So how do I start? I feel like I'm forced to be alive. My decisions almost never feel like my own. I lie to everyone so they won't disrupt their status quo over my problems. I constantly feel like I'm not supposed to be alive.
When I was a child I remember feeling disconnected. Like I wasn't a part of the world around me. In high school it became a really noticeable feeling. It's been almost non stop since grade 11. Friendships are hollow, and hobbies are pointless. At this point, I'm pretending to be who everyone remembers me to be. Who they think they know as me.
The world around me is tormenting. I'm always seeing something about building a future. As if providence is mocking me. "Look at this amazing thing you don't want!" It shout as it laughs. I only ever go out to work, and I only work because of my aforementioned charade.
Even all of this is starting to feel fake. Like i'm crying for help because its just what I've seen people do.
It's shameful to not want to be alive, but pretending to be alive is just as bad in my opinion