For the first time, I wanted to kill myself today

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Longshot, Feb 21, 2009.

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  1. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member

    Hello to you all.
    It is one of those days today. One of those days where I have to cancel all appointments, excuse myself from everyone and everything. I pace my aunt's apartment, that I had borrowed for the weekend, since it's closer to the clubs and bars. I just feel hollow. I'm not sad as such, I just know that I'm not happy. It happens, some times. My friend, who I'd lent the couch for the night, leaves for the rendezvouz we were both supposed to go to, with some other friends. We are supposed to go iceskating. I have forgotten my camera, and use this as a means to postpone going. I just can't be with people right now, I need a breather, if only just for an hour. So I tell him I have to swing by my apartment first, but he can go on ahead. So he leaves, and I pace. I sit down, staring a little into the air. I pace some more.
    I feel really empty. I have no reason for it. I'm generally living a good life... I've become a bit overweight lately, but I've just signed up at a gym. I've been single for a year, since things finally shattered completely between my girlfriend through three years, but there's finally some form of emotional connection with a new girl. I'm not sure if she likes me too, but I have a feeling she does. We spent every second day together. I've got some financial problems - moving away from my parents was harsh on my economy, but half a year later, my eceonomy is somewhat stabilized... I owe about 10K danish hr to the bank, but it's not that bad. The debt is not growing, and I'm slowly working my way up again. Come summer, I'll have a small sum of money paid out, which will cover the debt if I haven't already worked it away. I've been negelcting my studies, which has really left me far behind. Some days I find it really hard to find the strenght to get out of bed(and I usually don't have classes before 1pm), but I've pulled myself together and is getting back on track. Exams in april will be hard, but I think I can make it.
    And yet, I'm devastated. I have nowhere to place this non-pain, I have nothing I can look at and blame, nothing that to work with. But I know this feeling. Yet, today, it's different. Today, it's more serious. I look to the balcony and wonder how it would be to actually jump. I've thought about suicide before, but never, ever, in a way that I would put down as serious. I mean, I've thought of before how easy it would be, how all troubles would cease to exist, how there would be no more pressure, no need to take decissions, just nothing. Complete ataraxia. But I've never caught myself in these thoughts, and actually been scared what I might do if I don't keep in control.
    So I pack my things, and go home. It's two busses, about 45 minutes in total. On the whole trip, things clear up. I have a rather heavy bag, a big box, and a plastic bag, so I busy myself with carrying and shuffling about.
    My friends keep calling and texting me. When will I be there? When's my bus leaving?
    I keep telling them I'll be right there.
    I get home. I put down my stuff. Then I go to my computer, to find out when the next bus is leaving. And it starts creeping back. The emptiness. The feeling of being hollow. Like all the good emotions have left, but you're still stuck with the bad ones. Before I know it, I'm on YouTube, watching that scene frmo The Royal Tenenbaums, where Ritchie is killing himself in the bathroom. You know it? Very powerful scene. I've always regarded it as a work of art. But I watch it, and then I start crying. I have no idea why. I don't think the scene in itself touched me. It always does, but it's not that. I just cry. Not heavy, but tears are streaming down my cheeks, my breath coming in soft, quick bursts.
    I start contemplating suicide again. The tears stop. Then I remember I'd heard of a page on the internet that gives advice on how to do it. I don't know why... I don't think I was motivated, but I still start's googling. The second hit, however, catches my eye. It says
    So I start reading... And I start crying again. I'm crying the entire read, and I don't know why, but I have this feeling of actually communicating with someone about how I feel.
    I get another text from my friend, asking when I'll be there, and saying that they are considering going back to the girl mentioned above. So I tell them to do that, and say that I won't be there then. In retrospect, it might not make that much sense for them, but at the time, I thought it was the calmest way I could tell them I couldn't bear being together with them.
    Then I sit for a while. I start googling again... Eventually, I reach a page that seems like a sort of "guide". It's all rather intellectual.
    I get another text. This time that if I want, they could wait a little longer, if I wanted to go skating as well. This time, I don't reply.
    When the next text comes, I throw my phone at the nearest wall.
    And then I cry again.

    I really felt like I wanted to talk to someone. I think today is the closest I have ever been to killing myself. I really wanted to today, and I'm fortunate that I'm such a chicken, that I felt the need to try an research for the most painless method first. I've also considered now, that something might not be right. That maybe, I need help.
    The things is, I can't talk to any of my friends. They'll be worried like hell, and it'll just be awkward between us. I'm always extremely worried whether people are being honest with me, when it comes to friend- and relationships. And what if they'd just be friends with me, because they're scared of what I might do otherwise?
    My parents are not an option. My mother and father are divorced, and have both remarried. My mother and stepfather never really understands me. It's not one of those teenage-standoffs, we just grew apart after I went to boarding school for two years, where I found and developed my persona. We have very different values and ways of thinking, and that's okay, but I can't talk to them about this kind of thing. I have an aunt, not the one who's apartment I've borrowed, and she has had a depression ever since the birth of her last child, a year ago. My mother and stepfather just doesn't respect it. They are not bad persons, but I think they don't comprehend how you can't expect a depressed person be irrational. They seem to think that it's something you could just get over, given a little time. Hearing them talk about her, even though they love her as family and a friend, have left me convinced that if I ever had problems of the like, then I can't rely on them to understand and help.
    My father and stepmother are another story. I love my father very much, and my stepmother is like a second mother to me. The problem is that my stepmother is facing huge loads of stress already, and so is my father, as an extension. I don't want to cause them trouble, because sometimes I fear my stepmother is on the edge of a breakdown already. She works too hard.
    I considered a therapist, but I don't think I could actually face a complete stranger and start talking. I'm not incredibly shy, but I'm just not very comfortable about strangers, unless I have an environment in which I can "hide", like a bar or a friends house.
    Then I considered emailing the samaritans, but I really couldn't bring myself to it... I don't know.
    Somehow, I really, really want to reach out, want to tell how I feel... But on the other hand, that's precisely what I can't and maybe won't, do.

    In the end, I found this place. I'm not sure what I will accomplish by being here, but I think this may be the only place I can truly reach out.
    I am on a number of other boards too, and love the "culture" about internet forums.
    Being here, I can reach out, but be anonymous. I can get to know people, and still be incognito.

    Just writing this, I feel so much better.

    I am Nicolai, 21, and today I wanted to kill myself.
  2. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Hey and welcome to SF Nicolai.

    I just watched that scene on Youtube, didn't see it before and can only agree that it's very powerful. When you're feeling this down, try not to search the net because all you will search for is suicide related stuff. I've been there before and read suicide notes, suicide poems, looked at death related art ect. It just gets you more down and crying.
    Having friends around you can be annoying when you really feel bad but them being your friends means they really like and want you around them so treasure them. Friendship is a wonderful thing to have!

    I've been depressed for the most part of my life and this year I finally had enough courage to call a therapist. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life but as my therapist says the hardest things in life are the most worth working for. Of course it's awkward talking to a total stranger at the beginning about your feelings but they should take it slowly so that you don't feel bad talking about you think. I haven't told my parents about my depression and my suicidal thoughts but hope on doing so in the future. You don't need to tell them right away, the most important thing is that you find someone to talk to, being on the Internet is onething but talking to someone in real life is much better for clearing your soul.

    Stay safe, if you ever feel that you're on the verge of killing yourself or harming yourself please tell us. We all know what it's like to be there.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Nicholai,
    Sounds definitely like you have depression and possibly some anxiety. You are already pushing your friends away because you don't know who you can trust with your secret.
    I think you would find a therapist very beneficial!! They let you set the pace of how things are going to progress. The first thing mine asks me every visit is: So whats going on!! She lets me talk about what is on my mind rather than trying to dictate what we will talk about.. It takes time also, they aren't miracle workers. It took me two years before I finally told mine evrything. I'm on my third year and can see the progress we have made...
    Please consider it as an option.. And you will also find that the members here are very supportive..Don't feel your being ignored, when you are new sometimes it takes a little time before you start getting replys. I am sure you will find the support you seek here!! If you want to talk one on one then you can PM any of us and we will listen and offer what ever advice that we can!! Take care and Welcome to the forum!!!
  4. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member

    First of all, thank you to the both of you. Getting it off my chest has really helped a lot. Now I don't feel I'm completely alone anymore.

    I have been doing a lot of reading tonight... I am beginning to fear it might indeed be some sort of depression.

    I seem to fit a lot of the symptoms:

    - Outbursts of sadness, sometimes crying
    - An unexplainable "tiredness"
    - Finding it hard to make decissions
    - Finding it hard to do anything (get up, go somewhere I'm supposed to be, etc.)
    - Irregular sleep
    - Loss of appetite.

    I am starting to gather the resolve to see a doctor. I have just got a new doctor(since moving), and I actually think it will be easier than going to the doctor I've had for the last 6 years.
    I've also, sort of, told one of my best friends, the one I spend most time with right now, and the one that also knows a couple of the people I spend a lot of time with at the moment, that I'm not feeling very well. I didn't say I was thinking it might be a depression, I didn't tell him how down I was today, but just that I hope he can forgive me fo not keeping appointments, and that I hope he can understand that I don't feel too good. I asked him to cut me a little slack - not that he doesn't already, but just to prepare him, and to tell him that I'm sorry that I some times dissapoint them, but it's not intentional.

    It's strange... I have been down, I have felt hollow and empty so long... And it's only when I've really been down I find the resolve to start doing something.

    Step one: Doctor's appointment. I will make one soon.

    Again, thanks.
  5. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    I'm glad it helped to write your thoughts down. Going to the doctor is the first and probably most important step. Most people, like me, wait way to long before seeking help, so you kind of learn to accept it and see depression as being a personal fault rather than a health issue. Anways, good luck with going to the doctor and keep us updated with what he says.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey hun.....i read your post . .. i totally identify. . (as most do here) all the advice given has been spot-on. . .. and i know it is awesome to have real life friends, (PLease continue seeing them. being close) but i also know that at times, you cannot share suicidal feelings with real life friends. based on what you wrote. you definitely show signs of depression. .. a combo of therapy and meds CAN help. once you get in the '''stranger''s office. it is actually quite freeing. they are BOUND . .. to confidentiality. ((they will advise you if there is 1. child abuse 2. danger to your self or others. . they will have to notify authorities or put you in 'observation' ''hospital''. etc. every country differs in these criteria, just sayin

    everything you are going thru hun, , , is typical of depression. it can be treated.and you can re-gain a life that you want. suicide is never the answer. never. because it closes all doors. you have a beauty, value and purpose, to this world. .. we all lose. .. if you are not here. . . . please see that.

    pm anytime. me, or any of the others. and yes like the most -wise 'stranger1' said. . .the more you post and ''poke'' around the more replies you'll get - and for sure - i answer my pm's. .. . so write. and know that we all care hun :hug:
  7. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member

    A little update: I told a friend everything today.
    Since saturday, which was quite the wakeup call, I've needed to have a confidente. I need someone close to me to understand, if nothing else, then to cover for me. It's selfish, in a way, but I think I've chosen the right person, and made him promis me it's strictly confidential, even in the light that I wanted to harm myself.
    Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. I think. Appointments are made through an online system, and since I can't get replies to confirm whether I've got it or not, I'll just show up, and see what happens.
    Today was "back to normal" meaning I missed an appointment I had with friends at the gym this morning(was all ready to go, but just couldn't go), but no thoughts of doing anything rash.
    I'll be back, when I've been to the doctor. I don't know what to expect from one consultation, but I'll post afterwards anyway.
  8. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    hey nicolai... good luck at the drs xx
  9. Longshot

    Longshot Active Member

    Another update...
    It was as I'd feared... They hadn't registered my booking of an appointment, since I only booked it the night between saturday/sunday...

    On the other hand, she(the receptionist) was able to slot me in on Friday, which is good, because on the online system there wasn't any free appointments until the 17. of march... So friday is good, plus she set off some extra time when I told her what it was we were to talk about...

    I only wish I had a female doc... I imagine shed be easier talking to than a male doc. But you can't have everything...

    Regardless, even though I went in vain, I feel strenghtened. I got up early, I made teh appointment, and I have taken a conscious step towards help. That's gotta count for something. On the other hand, I'm not making it to my lecture today. It's in three hours, so I haveplenty of time to get there, but I can feel already that I'm not gonna make it, and feel bad about it already... But still, going to the doctor, the very act, has made me happy for the time being.

    Another thought: Maybe I should turn this into a blog instead... I'll check the blog section of the forum, and give it some thought.
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