Hello to you all.
It is one of those days today. One of those days where I have to cancel all appointments, excuse myself from everyone and everything. I pace my aunt's apartment, that I had borrowed for the weekend, since it's closer to the clubs and bars. I just feel hollow. I'm not sad as such, I just know that I'm not happy. It happens, some times. My friend, who I'd lent the couch for the night, leaves for the rendezvouz we were both supposed to go to, with some other friends. We are supposed to go iceskating. I have forgotten my camera, and use this as a means to postpone going. I just can't be with people right now, I need a breather, if only just for an hour. So I tell him I have to swing by my apartment first, but he can go on ahead. So he leaves, and I pace. I sit down, staring a little into the air. I pace some more.
I feel really empty. I have no reason for it. I'm generally living a good life... I've become a bit overweight lately, but I've just signed up at a gym. I've been single for a year, since things finally shattered completely between my girlfriend through three years, but there's finally some form of emotional connection with a new girl. I'm not sure if she likes me too, but I have a feeling she does. We spent every second day together. I've got some financial problems - moving away from my parents was harsh on my economy, but half a year later, my eceonomy is somewhat stabilized... I owe about 10K danish hr to the bank, but it's not that bad. The debt is not growing, and I'm slowly working my way up again. Come summer, I'll have a small sum of money paid out, which will cover the debt if I haven't already worked it away. I've been negelcting my studies, which has really left me far behind. Some days I find it really hard to find the strenght to get out of bed(and I usually don't have classes before 1pm), but I've pulled myself together and is getting back on track. Exams in april will be hard, but I think I can make it.
And yet, I'm devastated. I have nowhere to place this non-pain, I have nothing I can look at and blame, nothing that to work with. But I know this feeling. Yet, today, it's different. Today, it's more serious. I look to the balcony and wonder how it would be to actually jump. I've thought about suicide before, but never, ever, in a way that I would put down as serious. I mean, I've thought of before how easy it would be, how all troubles would cease to exist, how there would be no more pressure, no need to take decissions, just nothing. Complete ataraxia. But I've never caught myself in these thoughts, and actually been scared what I might do if I don't keep in control.
So I pack my things, and go home. It's two busses, about 45 minutes in total. On the whole trip, things clear up. I have a rather heavy bag, a big box, and a plastic bag, so I busy myself with carrying and shuffling about.
My friends keep calling and texting me. When will I be there? When's my bus leaving?
I keep telling them I'll be right there.
I get home. I put down my stuff. Then I go to my computer, to find out when the next bus is leaving. And it starts creeping back. The emptiness. The feeling of being hollow. Like all the good emotions have left, but you're still stuck with the bad ones. Before I know it, I'm on YouTube, watching that scene frmo The Royal Tenenbaums, where Ritchie is killing himself in the bathroom. You know it? Very powerful scene. I've always regarded it as a work of art. But I watch it, and then I start crying. I have no idea why. I don't think the scene in itself touched me. It always does, but it's not that. I just cry. Not heavy, but tears are streaming down my cheeks, my breath coming in soft, quick bursts.
I start contemplating suicide again. The tears stop. Then I remember I'd heard of a page on the internet that gives advice on how to do it. I don't know why... I don't think I was motivated, but I still start's googling. The second hit, however, catches my eye. It says
So I start reading... And I start crying again. I'm crying the entire read, and I don't know why, but I have this feeling of actually communicating with someone about how I feel.
I get another text from my friend, asking when I'll be there, and saying that they are considering going back to the girl mentioned above. So I tell them to do that, and say that I won't be there then. In retrospect, it might not make that much sense for them, but at the time, I thought it was the calmest way I could tell them I couldn't bear being together with them.
Then I sit for a while. I start googling again... Eventually, I reach a page that seems like a sort of "guide". It's all rather intellectual.
I get another text. This time that if I want, they could wait a little longer, if I wanted to go skating as well. This time, I don't reply.
When the next text comes, I throw my phone at the nearest wall.
And then I cry again.
I really felt like I wanted to talk to someone. I think today is the closest I have ever been to killing myself. I really wanted to today, and I'm fortunate that I'm such a chicken, that I felt the need to try an research for the most painless method first. I've also considered now, that something might not be right. That maybe, I need help.
The things is, I can't talk to any of my friends. They'll be worried like hell, and it'll just be awkward between us. I'm always extremely worried whether people are being honest with me, when it comes to friend- and relationships. And what if they'd just be friends with me, because they're scared of what I might do otherwise?
My parents are not an option. My mother and father are divorced, and have both remarried. My mother and stepfather never really understands me. It's not one of those teenage-standoffs, we just grew apart after I went to boarding school for two years, where I found and developed my persona. We have very different values and ways of thinking, and that's okay, but I can't talk to them about this kind of thing. I have an aunt, not the one who's apartment I've borrowed, and she has had a depression ever since the birth of her last child, a year ago. My mother and stepfather just doesn't respect it. They are not bad persons, but I think they don't comprehend how you can't expect a depressed person be irrational. They seem to think that it's something you could just get over, given a little time. Hearing them talk about her, even though they love her as family and a friend, have left me convinced that if I ever had problems of the like, then I can't rely on them to understand and help.
My father and stepmother are another story. I love my father very much, and my stepmother is like a second mother to me. The problem is that my stepmother is facing huge loads of stress already, and so is my father, as an extension. I don't want to cause them trouble, because sometimes I fear my stepmother is on the edge of a breakdown already. She works too hard.
I considered a therapist, but I don't think I could actually face a complete stranger and start talking. I'm not incredibly shy, but I'm just not very comfortable about strangers, unless I have an environment in which I can "hide", like a bar or a friends house.
Then I considered emailing the samaritans, but I really couldn't bring myself to it... I don't know.
Somehow, I really, really want to reach out, want to tell how I feel... But on the other hand, that's precisely what I can't and maybe won't, do.
In the end, I found this place. I'm not sure what I will accomplish by being here, but I think this may be the only place I can truly reach out.
I am on a number of other boards too, and love the "culture" about internet forums.
Being here, I can reach out, but be anonymous. I can get to know people, and still be incognito.
Just writing this, I feel so much better.
I am Nicolai, 21, and today I wanted to kill myself.
It is one of those days today. One of those days where I have to cancel all appointments, excuse myself from everyone and everything. I pace my aunt's apartment, that I had borrowed for the weekend, since it's closer to the clubs and bars. I just feel hollow. I'm not sad as such, I just know that I'm not happy. It happens, some times. My friend, who I'd lent the couch for the night, leaves for the rendezvouz we were both supposed to go to, with some other friends. We are supposed to go iceskating. I have forgotten my camera, and use this as a means to postpone going. I just can't be with people right now, I need a breather, if only just for an hour. So I tell him I have to swing by my apartment first, but he can go on ahead. So he leaves, and I pace. I sit down, staring a little into the air. I pace some more.
I feel really empty. I have no reason for it. I'm generally living a good life... I've become a bit overweight lately, but I've just signed up at a gym. I've been single for a year, since things finally shattered completely between my girlfriend through three years, but there's finally some form of emotional connection with a new girl. I'm not sure if she likes me too, but I have a feeling she does. We spent every second day together. I've got some financial problems - moving away from my parents was harsh on my economy, but half a year later, my eceonomy is somewhat stabilized... I owe about 10K danish hr to the bank, but it's not that bad. The debt is not growing, and I'm slowly working my way up again. Come summer, I'll have a small sum of money paid out, which will cover the debt if I haven't already worked it away. I've been negelcting my studies, which has really left me far behind. Some days I find it really hard to find the strenght to get out of bed(and I usually don't have classes before 1pm), but I've pulled myself together and is getting back on track. Exams in april will be hard, but I think I can make it.
And yet, I'm devastated. I have nowhere to place this non-pain, I have nothing I can look at and blame, nothing that to work with. But I know this feeling. Yet, today, it's different. Today, it's more serious. I look to the balcony and wonder how it would be to actually jump. I've thought about suicide before, but never, ever, in a way that I would put down as serious. I mean, I've thought of before how easy it would be, how all troubles would cease to exist, how there would be no more pressure, no need to take decissions, just nothing. Complete ataraxia. But I've never caught myself in these thoughts, and actually been scared what I might do if I don't keep in control.
So I pack my things, and go home. It's two busses, about 45 minutes in total. On the whole trip, things clear up. I have a rather heavy bag, a big box, and a plastic bag, so I busy myself with carrying and shuffling about.
My friends keep calling and texting me. When will I be there? When's my bus leaving?
I keep telling them I'll be right there.
I get home. I put down my stuff. Then I go to my computer, to find out when the next bus is leaving. And it starts creeping back. The emptiness. The feeling of being hollow. Like all the good emotions have left, but you're still stuck with the bad ones. Before I know it, I'm on YouTube, watching that scene frmo The Royal Tenenbaums, where Ritchie is killing himself in the bathroom. You know it? Very powerful scene. I've always regarded it as a work of art. But I watch it, and then I start crying. I have no idea why. I don't think the scene in itself touched me. It always does, but it's not that. I just cry. Not heavy, but tears are streaming down my cheeks, my breath coming in soft, quick bursts.
I start contemplating suicide again. The tears stop. Then I remember I'd heard of a page on the internet that gives advice on how to do it. I don't know why... I don't think I was motivated, but I still start's googling. The second hit, however, catches my eye. It says
So I start reading... And I start crying again. I'm crying the entire read, and I don't know why, but I have this feeling of actually communicating with someone about how I feel.
I get another text from my friend, asking when I'll be there, and saying that they are considering going back to the girl mentioned above. So I tell them to do that, and say that I won't be there then. In retrospect, it might not make that much sense for them, but at the time, I thought it was the calmest way I could tell them I couldn't bear being together with them.
Then I sit for a while. I start googling again... Eventually, I reach a page that seems like a sort of "guide". It's all rather intellectual.
I get another text. This time that if I want, they could wait a little longer, if I wanted to go skating as well. This time, I don't reply.
When the next text comes, I throw my phone at the nearest wall.
And then I cry again.
I really felt like I wanted to talk to someone. I think today is the closest I have ever been to killing myself. I really wanted to today, and I'm fortunate that I'm such a chicken, that I felt the need to try an research for the most painless method first. I've also considered now, that something might not be right. That maybe, I need help.
The things is, I can't talk to any of my friends. They'll be worried like hell, and it'll just be awkward between us. I'm always extremely worried whether people are being honest with me, when it comes to friend- and relationships. And what if they'd just be friends with me, because they're scared of what I might do otherwise?
My parents are not an option. My mother and father are divorced, and have both remarried. My mother and stepfather never really understands me. It's not one of those teenage-standoffs, we just grew apart after I went to boarding school for two years, where I found and developed my persona. We have very different values and ways of thinking, and that's okay, but I can't talk to them about this kind of thing. I have an aunt, not the one who's apartment I've borrowed, and she has had a depression ever since the birth of her last child, a year ago. My mother and stepfather just doesn't respect it. They are not bad persons, but I think they don't comprehend how you can't expect a depressed person be irrational. They seem to think that it's something you could just get over, given a little time. Hearing them talk about her, even though they love her as family and a friend, have left me convinced that if I ever had problems of the like, then I can't rely on them to understand and help.
My father and stepmother are another story. I love my father very much, and my stepmother is like a second mother to me. The problem is that my stepmother is facing huge loads of stress already, and so is my father, as an extension. I don't want to cause them trouble, because sometimes I fear my stepmother is on the edge of a breakdown already. She works too hard.
I considered a therapist, but I don't think I could actually face a complete stranger and start talking. I'm not incredibly shy, but I'm just not very comfortable about strangers, unless I have an environment in which I can "hide", like a bar or a friends house.
Then I considered emailing the samaritans, but I really couldn't bring myself to it... I don't know.
Somehow, I really, really want to reach out, want to tell how I feel... But on the other hand, that's precisely what I can't and maybe won't, do.
In the end, I found this place. I'm not sure what I will accomplish by being here, but I think this may be the only place I can truly reach out.
I am on a number of other boards too, and love the "culture" about internet forums.
Being here, I can reach out, but be anonymous. I can get to know people, and still be incognito.
Just writing this, I feel so much better.
I am Nicolai, 21, and today I wanted to kill myself.
