For the first time, I'm actually scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by th3silent0ne, Jan 6, 2013.

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  1. th3silent0ne

    th3silent0ne Well-Known Member

    For the first time in my life I am scared I will actually try to commit suicide. I've never been so depressed and alone. Not to this level. I've self harmed over the last 3 days. I just couldn't handle it anymore. My anxiety is really high, even to this moment. I can hear myself screaming in my head. I feel engulfed in sadness. The pain in my wrist.. I can no longer put a fake smile on my face. Can no longer fake happiness. I can't stop the sadness that creeps my thoughts. I don't want this. I want to feel alive. I don't remember that feeling anymore. For the first time I am truly afraid I will end it all. I would leave no note, no goodbyes, I'd just do it. I no longer see a point to living, no longer the desire to hold on anymore. My soul cries out, and my body says goodby. Perhaps this is my official cry for help, because I can't hold on any longer.
  2. Vivek85

    Vivek85 Active Member

    "My soul cries out, and my body says goodby" This line is beautifully written. It really speaks to me, and puts the reader in your shoes.

    Have you considered writing poetry?

    I've been in a similar place, though maybe what caused our depression has been different.

    The wrestle with depression is a battle that can reward you more than it hurts you.

    You don't have to put a fake smile on your face, or fake happiness, or self-harm. In fact, you might want to do just the opposite. Be honest, with yourself and trusted others, as you've been here, about your current condition.

    Seek professional help.
  3. th3silent0ne

    th3silent0ne Well-Known Member

    I have written poetry, yes. Very heart felt poetry. The feelings come from deep within and the words help you understand the complex emotions. I don't write often because I hate to write, but there are the odd times I am feeling up to it.

    Can't trust people as my trust has been abused. Here it's easy to relate, whether feeling or situation. People here can offer advice, helping hand, or an ear to listen. Don't have to face them, tell where I live, or what I look like. Even so, a bit of a risk my feelings will get hurt. If I don't hide my pain, rejection will come swiftly.

    Professional help I know I need. But I'm scared. Scared to try, scared what will happen. Wish I had courage and strength.
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Suicide thinking can be a very scary thing and knowing you have the ambition makes it even more frightening.Depression and anxiety can take all the life out of us and put us in a very dark place.If you are feeling suicidal it is a good idea to seek some prof help as you said feeling like this can be a cry for help.See ya doc and ussually they can direct you to some councelling. I know trying to seek help can be a daunting task but sometimes it can pay off.Also keep posting here and letting your emotions out as you will find support here too.
    Please take care
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