For the first time it's so real

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Israel Regardie, Jun 24, 2012.

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  1. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    There is no point to this thread. I can't tell you why or even describe it.
    For the last week this depression has sneaked up on me in spurts, and seemingly festering a little more each time; Eating away at me.
    Of course, it comes and goes, I know that. I know I will probably feel okay again tomorrow... But, it comes harder each time, and I'm not sure I want the next wave.
    It's impossible to explain of course.
    Most of it stems from this relationship that ended four years ago. I've made a thread for it, but no one replies anymore.
    She left me four years ago and I was incredibly painful at first. I drank, took drugs, got addicted, and went through hell. Then it got better.
    But now, now that its back, it's worse. Cause now the event is so distant... Now it's so far away that it just feel too painful. You're supposed to suffer after a break-up, then feel better. But no one says what you should to if, four years later, it comes back and its even worse.
    You can get sympathy, even help, when the break-up is fresh, but after four years most people don't understand.

    Here I am, suffering something that happened four years ago. How is that possible? HOW can you deal with something that old?

    There are other things aswell. And there is an element of something foreign to it too. Like it's biological. Or a disease. Like everything is clouded grey, for no reason, and I cannot shake this awful feeling. It's like something really bad happened... but nothing has happened.

    My father is very ill. Probably not much time left. That could be it.
    My failing current relationship. That could be it.
    Getting my novel rejected... That could be it.

    But... the core of it is just hopelessness and irrational depression.

    I dont know why I wrote this.

    Please feel free to read about the relationship at the other thread...

  2. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Find somebody who will break your heart more , that is how I solved it .
    Enough evil wenches in the world , some of them are truely evil , then you will realise why you have to get over stuff and move on .

    Maybe stop looking for replacements for you last girlfriend and compare everything to her .
    Find somebody you know will dump you abuse you and then spit you out like shit .
    Maybe then you will get over your first love , cause going into another relationship with another wonderfull person .
    With a dream girl in your mind , isn´t fair towards another person .
    You don´t want that done to you , so why do it to others ?
  3. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    No. But I don't want to be alone. I think it goes without saying that I have no friends.. No real ones anyway.
    It gets worse when I'm alone. I'm in bardo now. Like being in hell with an ice bucket...
  4. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    That is why find a horrible wench , then learn what real heartbroken is , and everybody else after atleast you will give that person .
    A fair chance ! instead of lamenting over your lost perfect love .

    And thinking of dying !
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    I think everyone has that person in their life that broke up with them that affected them like this - some of us have that chemical in our brains that give us this level of depression. There is no cure (outside of meds) really, unless you can meet someone else. I had one of these many, many years ago and it didn't affect me for four years but I did match every woman after up to her. For that first year, it was hell.

    As for the novel, rejection is part of the craft. Was it rejected by one house? You do understand you need to send it out to multiple places - and while you're doing that, you're already half way into your next.
  6. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Of course I shouldn't compare. But it's hard not to.
    As I write in my "Why can't I let go" thread, She was the only person who truly loved me. There I was, and for the very first time someone who not only loved me, but worshipped me; Who thought everything I said and did was perfect; Who looked at me like a hero; Who said she waited her whole life for me, and who would kill herself if I left.
    I told her clearly: I can't take any more rejection. All my life friends have abandoned me... Right before she came, I was going through this crisis, didnt know what I wanted in life. I end up, by coincidence, at this school and there she was...
    I've been alone my entire life. I've always looked at other people and felt they were so foreign, so distant. Here was a person who let me into her life. I loved watching her dress and undress, put on make-up, prepare for bed... To be allowed into her life. And, we were perfect for one another... We couldnt have been a better match.
    I don't know if anyone can relate... But to always be alone, to feel like sh***, to have no one love you, to have even your parents tell you you are worthless....
    To then have this fairy-tale story... We completed on another.
    Being alone, depressed, shy and worthless, it's hard meeting people. So, things like that just come along once in a life time.
    The days, the years, I spent with her I was happy, for once, I was whole. My life felt like it had purpose, meaning.
    Then she broke my heart. And this soul mate, this person who was non-different, who was connected wholly to me, became a stranger. And so she remains.
    I will always wait for her. I havent been allowed to talk to her in years now. Soul mate -> complete stranger.

    She is happy, so she doesnt care. But I'm not. And I really feel she should feel bad about what she did. To make her understand what she did.
    The only way to do that is to commit suicide. To show her what she has done to me. Maybe then she would understand. Maybe then she would cry.

    I see it so clearly... My dead lifeless body hanging in the room... THEN she would know. It's better than what I have now.
    I love my girlfriend, but it's not the same kind of love. We have "normal" love; We make love, talk, do things together, we feel happy when together, sad when apart. But nothing magical. Nothing that is perfect or fairy tale... I know thats rude...
    But, Ive been alone four years now, I know I will never love again, so I thought: "Might as well have someone while I'm waiting to die"...

    I don't think I'll have to wait much longer....
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