For The Love Of All That Is Sacred & Shiny

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Otherones90210, May 15, 2007.

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  1. I can remember thinking when I was 14 years old coming back from seeing the movie "The Truman Show". That if A system was in place that you could sign a list stating that you wanted die after ten years if you never missed a signing you would be given an assisted painless suicide.. I would sign it every day. It's something I've thought about everyday since then.

    I have every reason to live. A wonderful Mother & Father of whom I could not honestly say one bad word against. An older brother who has done nothing but great things for me and a sunshiny younger sister who has done the same.

    Everyone in my family has done nothing but great things for me and loves me very much. As much I'm sure as I love them.

    My 25th Birthday was this Friday. I drank a quart of whiskey, pawned my sister's boyfriend's bass, did not show up for my job which my older brother got me where he is upper management. To top it all off I left the window open and my Parent's cat got out and I can't find it. Unplugged the phone deadbolted the door and slept for 3 days in my drug induced semi-coma.

    As far as my messups go this isin't too bad. I've done worse. It's a miracle I'm not in jail. By all rights I could have a good life. I'm bilingual, play guitar rather nicely. I did well at sports in high school graduated with low grades but academics, I must have some sex appeal because I seem to attract pretty girls with some frequency. Provided I'm not completley messed up on drugs and booze.

    The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden upon anyone. Not my worst enemies and least of all my loved ones.

    I've done the sobering up thing. Gone to meetings. Taken seroquel and Risparadol. I was sober for the first 16 years of my life as well. Lasted quite a while every time I stopped drinking and toking. In my sobriety I do nothing but good things. I'm no longer a burden. I help anyone any chance I can get.

    However, I don't feel one Iota better either way. I wake up in the morning(when I go to sleep at all) and it feels like someone ripped open my skull and poured in molten lava.

    Nothing makes it better. I'm not looking for any redemption or for someone to give me some words of wisdom. I'm trying to appeal to someones sense of decency in letting me die.

    I was in love once. My friends with whom I was bandmates kinda conspired to hook me up with a girl. I tried the best I could to make them see all the ways it was a horrible idea. The very last thing she deserved was to have spend her time with me. I loved her very much. Even while losing my virginity I can remember wishing I was dead. It went on 2 years and it consisted mostly of her sitting beside me while I stared out the window desperatly fighting to bring my cold black soul alive.

    I may well have even gotten to spend my life with the love of my life. A girl I've known since I started grade 1. Though I was in love with I have never once in my life wished her the fate of spending time with me. Tried as I did to get away with I got stuck sitting beside her nearly every year through school. Then got stuck working with her. Then Drove clear across Canada with her. I don't think she actually gave a damn about me. I think it was one of those organized "Truman Show" styled torture things. Either way I eventually came up with enough ways to piss her off that I don't have to worry about her coming around or that kind of torture happening again.

    What's going to happen is I'm going to alienate the fuck out of everyone til I eventually die like a dog out in the street. When all that should happen is I get a painless death.

    If I had the choice between being given a billion dollars and being married to an army of super models or death. I would choose death without a seconds hesitation.

    Just because I'm paranoid Does not mean I'm not being fucked over and that there isin't a "Powers That Be" that are reading this. If you've got a life worth living at all. Please Please try to use logic and reason. Let me go. Let me die Please. Please. I'll do anything. Just to get out of spending one more day in this eterna-hell. Why are you keeping someone alive just to make them writhe in this pain.

    This is literally the stuff I think about all day every day. For as long as I remember.

    PS - All my suicide attempts were monitored, captured and then sent me to the asylum where I was mentally beaten within an inch of my life. GO TEAM!!
     
  2. Cat just came back. I kid you not. This post my seem like a joke post but I kid you not. I still feel like hell but at least the cat came back. Thank god for small miracles.
     
  3. missybaby

    missybaby Active Member

    hey cat for starters wanting to kill yourself usually has nothin to do with how your family is i know because mines pretty much the same and i wan to die too ....when do you think about suicide what has happen to bring it up..im here to listen so just talk and dont apoligize for wanting help the only place people really get it is from others whove been down that road or are going down it now not by therapists.talk to me cat
     
  4. I'm not cat......ya know what just forget it. I just went back and not one of my posts even sounds remotley sincere or makes any sense. In my mind's eye everything seems like it should work out but when I write speak or act it does not.

    I'll just go back to watching people live decent lives. Have children grow old and enjoy themselves. I'll listen to their innuendos and get ridiculed.

    And maybe, just maybe. If I'm lucky..... one of these nights while I'm playing guitar and trying to drink myself blind on whiskey I'll choke to death on my own vomit.

    Forget I said anything.
     
  5. missybaby

    missybaby Active Member

    you came here for a reason and it is important so just rant then i know exactly what you are trying to say so please dont give up your posts were and still are a plea for someone to help or at the very least listen .talk to please

    sorry i called you cat but was just too lazy to right other name so sorry talk to me please
     
  6. I don't even know what I could tell you. I don't really see what I can do but just go on in this misery. Being unhappy I can deal with. Going on hopeless in so much pain that every waking moment I want to die is altogether another thing.

    I imagine there are a lot of people in this town that are more than glad to hear my every waking moment is a non-stop hell.

    I did not want to be anyone's problem at all. I don't want the girl. I don't want money. I don't want fame or popularity. I just want to hide out where I don't have to hear the bullshit anymore. Never at any point in my life have I wanted these things. Take it all. Let me die. It's not asking too much.
     
  7. missybaby

    missybaby Active Member

    im not going to tell you your wrong because that would be telling YOU WHAT YOU WANT and i wont do that....is there anything that triggers these feelings.
     
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