I can remember thinking when I was 14 years old coming back from seeing the movie "The Truman Show". That if A system was in place that you could sign a list stating that you wanted die after ten years if you never missed a signing you would be given an assisted painless suicide.. I would sign it every day. It's something I've thought about everyday since then. I have every reason to live. A wonderful Mother & Father of whom I could not honestly say one bad word against. An older brother who has done nothing but great things for me and a sunshiny younger sister who has done the same. Everyone in my family has done nothing but great things for me and loves me very much. As much I'm sure as I love them. My 25th Birthday was this Friday. I drank a quart of whiskey, pawned my sister's boyfriend's bass, did not show up for my job which my older brother got me where he is upper management. To top it all off I left the window open and my Parent's cat got out and I can't find it. Unplugged the phone deadbolted the door and slept for 3 days in my drug induced semi-coma. As far as my messups go this isin't too bad. I've done worse. It's a miracle I'm not in jail. By all rights I could have a good life. I'm bilingual, play guitar rather nicely. I did well at sports in high school graduated with low grades but academics, I must have some sex appeal because I seem to attract pretty girls with some frequency. Provided I'm not completley messed up on drugs and booze. The absolute last thing I want is to be a burden upon anyone. Not my worst enemies and least of all my loved ones. I've done the sobering up thing. Gone to meetings. Taken seroquel and Risparadol. I was sober for the first 16 years of my life as well. Lasted quite a while every time I stopped drinking and toking. In my sobriety I do nothing but good things. I'm no longer a burden. I help anyone any chance I can get. However, I don't feel one Iota better either way. I wake up in the morning(when I go to sleep at all) and it feels like someone ripped open my skull and poured in molten lava. Nothing makes it better. I'm not looking for any redemption or for someone to give me some words of wisdom. I'm trying to appeal to someones sense of decency in letting me die. I was in love once. My friends with whom I was bandmates kinda conspired to hook me up with a girl. I tried the best I could to make them see all the ways it was a horrible idea. The very last thing she deserved was to have spend her time with me. I loved her very much. Even while losing my virginity I can remember wishing I was dead. It went on 2 years and it consisted mostly of her sitting beside me while I stared out the window desperatly fighting to bring my cold black soul alive. I may well have even gotten to spend my life with the love of my life. A girl I've known since I started grade 1. Though I was in love with I have never once in my life wished her the fate of spending time with me. Tried as I did to get away with I got stuck sitting beside her nearly every year through school. Then got stuck working with her. Then Drove clear across Canada with her. I don't think she actually gave a damn about me. I think it was one of those organized "Truman Show" styled torture things. Either way I eventually came up with enough ways to piss her off that I don't have to worry about her coming around or that kind of torture happening again. What's going to happen is I'm going to alienate the fuck out of everyone til I eventually die like a dog out in the street. When all that should happen is I get a painless death. If I had the choice between being given a billion dollars and being married to an army of super models or death. I would choose death without a seconds hesitation. Just because I'm paranoid Does not mean I'm not being fucked over and that there isin't a "Powers That Be" that are reading this. If you've got a life worth living at all. Please Please try to use logic and reason. Let me go. Let me die Please. Please. I'll do anything. Just to get out of spending one more day in this eterna-hell. Why are you keeping someone alive just to make them writhe in this pain. This is literally the stuff I think about all day every day. For as long as I remember. PS - All my suicide attempts were monitored, captured and then sent me to the asylum where I was mentally beaten within an inch of my life. GO TEAM!!