For the Record.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A.SoNiC.boY, Aug 4, 2013.

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  1. A.SoNiC.boY

    A.SoNiC.boY Well-Known Member

    I often feel judged here now (tho specifically in chat) because i seem so "up beat" most of the time and don't go on and on about how much i want to die.
    SO let my say it here. I want to kill myself everyday. my life is so far beyond what i should have have to tolerate that I don't think many people who may read this would be able to wear the bullshit happy face I do, and would in fact have already killed themselves. i have 3 attempts under my belt at least one of which should have killed me. EVERYDAY I have to resist, and exist in emotional and physical agony. My reason is that I have an almost 4 year old little girl who will have ENOUGH problems in life without having to have "My daddy killed himself" issues on top of it. I love her more than anything... but I still often believe she would be better off with me dead. I have Bipolar Disorder type 1, Thought Based OCD, Gastrointestinal issues. I was evicted from my Apartment and now live in a group home where after a recent month long trip to the hospital after becoming full blown MANIC I am not currently permitted, in accordance with Operating Procedure, to administer my own medication. something I've been doing since high school. In December I will be 27 years old. I am sometimes an ASSHOLE to people, and they judge me for this, but really they should take a hard look in the mirror at how they treat people like me, who don't have the luxury of that kind of venting because people like ME have to deal with consequences to their children not just their friends and families. people like me have to hold it all it and vent in indirect manners, such as creativity. and remember... people like US are more like caged animals than you would imagine, so be careful before you say something that might get all you worst fears about yourself sprayed right back on the screen in your direction.



    Ben, the asshole.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm really sorry you're having to deal with so much. Feel free to vent here whenever you want or need to.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    It's nice that you're being more upbeat.

    An asshole? I'm not sure you are one. Personally, anyone who thinks about someone else who could be affected by the act, is not an asshole. It shows you actually care about those around you.

    Everyone generally, regardless of whether they say they do or don't, is liable to be judgmental at some point - such is the imperfection of humanity. I would suggest try not to let it get to you - it may or may not make you feel worse, and you don't really need that.

    From another musical asshole (asshole for different reasons)...

  4. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    Dear Ben, I love and honor that you don't want your daughter to have to carry the "My daddy killed himself". As the child of a suicide dad, I can say that that loss is the hardest thing in my life... and I didn't have to start carrying it until I was an adult.

    Yeah, life is often intolerable. I'm glad you are still flogging your way through it. The smile you paste on is a mitzvah (a worthy deed). :hug: Thanks for sharing.

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