I often feel judged here now (tho specifically in chat) because i seem so "up beat" most of the time and don't go on and on about how much i want to die. SO let my say it here. I want to kill myself everyday. my life is so far beyond what i should have have to tolerate that I don't think many people who may read this would be able to wear the bullshit happy face I do, and would in fact have already killed themselves. i have 3 attempts under my belt at least one of which should have killed me. EVERYDAY I have to resist, and exist in emotional and physical agony. My reason is that I have an almost 4 year old little girl who will have ENOUGH problems in life without having to have "My daddy killed himself" issues on top of it. I love her more than anything... but I still often believe she would be better off with me dead. I have Bipolar Disorder type 1, Thought Based OCD, Gastrointestinal issues. I was evicted from my Apartment and now live in a group home where after a recent month long trip to the hospital after becoming full blown MANIC I am not currently permitted, in accordance with Operating Procedure, to administer my own medication. something I've been doing since high school. In December I will be 27 years old. I am sometimes an ASSHOLE to people, and they judge me for this, but really they should take a hard look in the mirror at how they treat people like me, who don't have the luxury of that kind of venting because people like ME have to deal with consequences to their children not just their friends and families. people like me have to hold it all it and vent in indirect manners, such as creativity. and remember... people like US are more like caged animals than you would imagine, so be careful before you say something that might get all you worst fears about yourself sprayed right back on the screen in your direction. THIS IS NOT A THREAT. IT IS A CALL FOR UNDERSTANDING. WITH LOVE. Ben, the asshole.