For the suicidal thoughts in your head

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Porcelain, Jan 13, 2008.

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  1. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    I read this on another forum. It was written by a guy after his girlfriend killed herself. I thought is was so heart wrenching and I thought it would be a good thing to post here for you all to see.....

    "I just wanted to write this for people to see, so if you are feeling like you want to do something to yourself, you can see how it might affect those around you. All those people that you think don't love you, or don't care about you, or don't think about you. It may turn out to be a jumbled mess and make no sense. Or it might turn into something helpful. Either way I feel like I need to get this out there. I don't want to offend or upset anyone and I don't want a huge debate or an argument. All I want is to get this out.

    If you do this I'm telling you now, they will never, ever get over it. They might move on with their life eventually, going through the motions, like they're supposed to, but the pain it causes will sleep in their spine and hit them at every opportunity it can for the rest of their lives.

    They won't hate you, it doesn't cause that. It's pain and guilt and gut wrenching sadness. And it's not just emotional pain. It's physical. My whole body aches. Sometimes, usually in the morning, when I wake up and it hits that she isn't here anymore...I flinch, like I've been hit. Sometimes I throw up. I could never hate my girlfriend but I guess I do feel a little angry. Not just at her but at lots of things. Every single day I wish she had come to me, I wish I had seen how she was feeling, I wish I had said something to make her think differently, I wish I had gone home earlier that day.....I wish so many things. I've felt some pain in my life but never have I felt as bad as I do now. The woman I love killed herself. She chose to leave me. She chose to leave instead of asking me to help her. She put herself through so much pain and she did it alone. And all I keep asking myself is why? I wonder what I did wrong......Did she want me to feel the same pain as her?

    I'll confess something to you because I hope it will make you think. On the 23rd Dec I drove my car into a wall, had to be cut out. I dont remember much about it but I have the horrible feeling that I did it on purpose. That's how low I went. That's what my girlfriend caused. I don't hate her for that. I don't remember what I was feeling when it happened. I know that I felt bad, as I have done since she left me. I guess I just wanted to be with her again. To see her face, to ask her all the questions that I'll never get answers for. I can't move on and I can't get over it. I don't think it will ever leave me. I'm stuck now. Paralysed. Just as your loved ones will be. I hope that I've hit the bottom now but I just don't know. I'm a wreck. A total and utter wreck. If you kill yourself, you're not only killing you, but you're also killing a piece of everyone that loves you. And those that love you the most.....more of them will be hurt, and damaged, and bruised, and killed, and some might not recover.

    I can't remember any of the good things we had. Even 13 weeks down the line. All I remember is finding her lying in the bathroom, the drs and nurses trying to save her, and I remember little things and I wonder if they were signs that I missed. I wonder if some of the things she said were hints and I was too stupid to pick up on them. I spend my days going over and over conversations, replaying them in my head. I'm driving myself insane. I failed her somehow. That's how I feel and it's how I will always feel.

    How can you just give up? How can you just choose to leave? What is so painful that you can't stay and risk speaking out and asking for help? Why are you willing to risk the unknown when you're not willing to risk asking for help? What do you think is going to happen if you die? You think you're going to go to some little paradise where there isn't any more pain? Is that what you hope? You don't know. What if it's worse than here? What if you regret your decision? What if you are shown your boyfriend and your family and the sadness they feel everyday? What is it? What is so bad for you here that you're willing to risk the total and utter unknown and everything else that goes with it? Can't you see? Can't you see what will happen?

    I can't be happy for her, I can't pretend that I'm happy that she's at peace.....because I don't know that she is. What if she isn't? What if she went throught all of that and caused all of this and it didn't even work like she hoped it would? What if, wherever she is now, is even worse than here? What if she's more afraid now? What if she cries and begs for a chance to come back and no one can hear her? I can't be happy for her because I don't know. I can't be happy for her because I want to be the one that makes her happy. I want to be the one that she grows old with so I can take care of her and make her smile and make her feel good again. But that's not going to happen now. It's hard to explain.

    Here's what I do know. I will never ever get over this and every girl I ever meet I will always compare to my girlfriend and they will never be good enough. So I won't ever be able to move on. I'm trapped in a glass box, watching everything go on without me and yeah, I'm moving along but I don't know where I'm going or where I've been. All I can think about, for every minute of every day is my girlfriend and all I feel is horrible guilt, pain, confusion and sadness.

    Please ask someone close to you for help. If not your spouse or partner, your family. If not them, call the samaritans, go to your doctor, go to your hospital......please, do everything you can to save yourself. Tell them again. And again if you have to. Tell them why you feel so bad. Ask them to help you. You're scared. So are they. They don't know what you're thinking or why. Talk to someone. They can help you. I'm so desperate to help you, to say the right thing, to make you see......I couldn't save my girlfriend. I feel bad all of the time. I feel guilt. Maybe if I save just one person my girlfriend will come back to me. Please go to your doctor or a counsellor or someone.....please? Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Explain your feelings to them....tell them about your past, your present, your future. They can help you. They really can. You just have to ask and let them help."

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Porcelain to have posted this.

    You did get me to tears. the words are that powerful that I can feel his pain.
    Ive been wandering alive because my parents, especially my father, are alive. I know that my loss would cause them so much pain. But right after reading this letter, the guilt is even bigger.

    Even though guilt hurts so much, it cant be too bad if it saves another day.

    Thank you so much for these meaningful words.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2008
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So this is going to make me sound like some horrible monster but, I don't feel "it". Yes I feel his pain in the words. But it doesn't change my thoughts. I have been "talking" so long now that my words are empty and have no meaning to those that should be hearing them. That includes my family and friends. I'm tired of trying to make them understand. Tired of holding on for their sake. But hopefully these words you have posted will help others. Others that still have their lives ahead of them, families that care
    and some importance to another. I pray that it does.
  4. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    No need to make it a know where to find it.

    This is but one voice, able to eloquently pierce the armour and address directly areas, which are so easily and conveniently forgotten - on purpose I might add. However, do heart-wrenching letters allure me from my chosen path? Does an eternity of dressing my days in gravediggers frocks come to an end because one individual -however expressive- expresses his/her pain? I'm afraid the answer must be no!

    Far too long have my shadows gorged themselves on pure blackness- fed to them by me-, far too intensive have I opened the many cuts to create the one wound and far too passionately have I worshipped on the altar of my gods effigy... The voice of reason only offers you respite of the days sun-rays, but the monster I created will forever house in the abysses of my mind...

    Pain of those who are left behind is as alien as my nights pretending to be days, just because they are dressed in a wedding gown... the last exit for the lost-my final destination...

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2008
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    That message heartbreakingly shows what happens when someone you love commits suicide. Don't do it guys.
  6. Alastair

    Alastair Well-Known Member

    Although you may not agree, it cannot be denied.

    At some point the price of life exceeds the price of death.
  7. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    I'm glad some people think it might help
    But it's okay if it doesn't
    It doesn't make you horrible if you don't feel it
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