For those of you havn't made that first plunge down yet....

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Feb 7, 2012.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Here is a piece of my soul. This is why you shouldn't cut, it controls you..
    Last night i had a rough night and i reached out in my community and was shot down... Im only giving you the ending of what ive written... Hold it close and realize what a bullet you have dodged... This was my morning... This is what i wrote..

    And as i wake up this morning I'm left with the feeling of "How much longer can I keep this up?". Its a fair and honest question don't you think? How much longer can I go taking this punishment, taking (what feels like) the low road and being told that the road with all the grass isn't an option (suicide)? What would you do? I am already dealing with so much, the memories are already piling up how can I deal with emotions too? Why can't I just shut them off... Why can't I just pretend...? I remember when I was younger and depression had a hold on me I could wish it all away, pretending that there was something to hold onto gave me hope for the future. I can't seem to find stable ground to walk on so instead I am stuck dealing with this rejection of myself and others. Happiness seems but a memory, but now I wonder if it was ever even that, I wonder if it was just another demon taunting me with the fruit of Eden; or, if by chance, it was an actual feeling how it has slipped away so far that I can no longer feel it, see it, or grasp it.

    I'm running you know, running to find the person I once was, who I came here to be. Everyday I find new struggles and every night i cope in ways that you could not understand; a simple cut isn't but a simple cut. It is a memory rippling through the times, through my entire body. As I try to extinguish this punishment I inflict on myself nightly I, instead, am left with memories that roam free throughout my body, weighing my soul down and anchoring what I tried so hard to fight. The memories are like holding flames to my body, burning them, searing my body; wounding me in ways that even I can not cope with. Some nights I lay paralyzed as i watch the flames flicker on and off as they dance across my body, leaving a trail of regret where they go. So I ask you, what sounds more pleasant; The fire, burning my soul or the blade, leaving a ripple of time on my body throughout the ages? I have to say the blade, I have never been one for self torture you see. Its funny that I put it that way, not because ultimately that is exactly what I'm doing with each of these cuts, but rather, self torture is all people feel like they see me do. I don't agree that dwelling on memories, the pain, the newly bred hatred is self torture. I instead think of it more along the lines of self preservation; I could not withstand having these things happen to me again. Although the matters might seem fickle to some, to those that understand, to those that have gotten that feeling that someone else gives; of love, you then realize just how much your life mattered before and without it you realize, again, just what your life is worth. The answer, for me at least, is again a neatly created scar. One that I can look at as the ages pass me by, remembering the past. Yes, each scar to me holds a memory; but, its so much more then that to me. Each one of these scars holds a feeling, the feeling I had when i was taken advantage of (Am I backtracking? I can no longer say the r word without goosebumps and a desire to self mutilate), the feeling I had when I asked her out, and the one that haunts my body, of her breaking up with me. Granted there are thousands of other memories I have extinguished but these ones litter my body.
    Why, I'm sure you ask yourself, would I have more then one cut for a single memory? The answer is simple, it isn't a single memory. From the time i asked her out and brought her down the hill and kissed her to the cheesecake factory. Each one of these has a memory, a feeling worth not forgetting. It's funny because everyone thinks its the depressing memories that bring you down but in reality its the absence of the ones that made you feel so happy and alive. The absence of her holding me, telling me it will be alright, hell I miss cuddling together in nothing but our underwear. To bad these, and this is what hurts the most, are nothing but memories that will be forgotten once I pass away...

    What if I told you I wrote this for you? For each and every single one of you that ever happened to read this? Could you even understand the pain that lays behind my eyes? Could you understand the words that I write? Could you even deal with the thoughts that might come up? Could you? Could you deal with knowing what you are putting me through, knowing that you are the soul reason this regret and unholy pain live breathing throughout this body? Twisting me, deforming my soul into something a little less human. Could you look away? Turn the other cheek so that I may find peace and happiness in my own suicide. No. I know you couldn't. As much as you say you want whats best for me I, of all people, know whats best for me. I know what I need... Yet I sit here. Unable to act or move. Unable to give into these demons that do stalk me every night. I might not be dead yet; but my soul, my body, and my spirit have broke long ago. They are but another memory, another scar on this wasteland I call life. So I will assure you, I am already dead. This note will fall on deaf ears though fore in a week or two you would have already forgotten this. You would have already found something else in your life to fill the hole. A new memory to replace this one. You will forget that I am already dead and ask me simply for help or to talk; to come by and tell you all the things you want to hear. And I, being unable to let my pain out, will sit there consoling your every fear, pain, and unwanted memory. Eventually becoming something less...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is a constant struggle to find a way to be affirmed, and I agree that harming one's self is clearly a very painful and tragic way...thanks for sharing this
     
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Thank you sadeyes. I was actually surprised how many people Pmed me in chat saying it either A.) Helped them understand or B.) Helped them feel like they were not alone with how they felt so i was very happy it made people feel that way. :D
     
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