For those with children, especially older kids

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InvisibleME, Aug 30, 2008.

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  1. InvisibleME

    InvisibleME New Member

    I feel like the only thing standing between me and peace of mind, body, and soul is my daughter. I don't want to hurt her and mess up her life, but I know damn well that having a parent commit suicide ain't gonna make her have a positive mental state. She's starting her 2nd year of college next week and I don't want to derail her. I feel like I should at least wait until she finishes school, but then I think...THREE YEARS???!!! At a minimum??? I'm not even interested in three more DAYS! I love her dearly and don't want to leave my death on her shoulders...but a part of me can't help feeling resentful because I feel forced to stay here (the right thing to do as her mother) when I don't want to. The only, and I do mean ONLY thing, that's keeping me in this world, is that I really do love her more than I care about my own feelings.

    Are any other parents out there having this same struggle???? I don't really need explanations or responses about how much my suicide would hurt her - that's a given...and is the point of this post.... I'm more hoping for some feedback on how to be a (single) parent when I don't want to be an ANYTHING.... How not to be angry when I feel obligated to get up and move around the house this weekend so as to not upset or frighten her, when all I want to do is stay in the room until Tuesday morning when I have to go back to work in order to keep food in the house and a roof over her head, etc. As a parent, I don't mind those things at all. I enjoy taking care of my daughter and making sure she is okay. But as ME, the person who wants OUT, OUT, OUT, I am frustrated by what I perceive to be an insurmountable barrier between me and what I call "the good place" (eternal sleep, I don't mean heaven).

    The thing is, I can cut out the "provider" responsibility when I really think about it. I know my parents could and would take care of her financially, but then I think of how unfair that would be to them. But the biggest problem? Emotionally and psychologically - due to how close my daughter and I are, obvious other reasons, and other things I don't have the space to explain - know that my death would deeply scar her, probably permanently damage her, for life...certainly right now while she's in college, but even later in her life....
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    Firstly, I'm not a mother but i read your post and wanted to respond to you. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time of it right now and the only thing keeping you alive is the love for your daughter and the unbearable pain you'd inflict on her if you did take your own life. That sounds so difficult and my heart goes out to you. I think there are several parents on this forum - many with older children - so hopefully you'll receive some replies from them so that you're able to see that you're not alone.

    I know you don't need to be reminded that your daughter, at whatever age (i'm 29 and know I'd be devastated if my mum killed herself) would be distraught to lose her mum... but I just wanted to ask whether there's anything that could happen to help make things better for you? Maybe there's a way to turn things round so that you're not living for your daughter, but living for you. Is someone aware of how you're feeling, like a counsellor? Maybe talking about things would help improve how you're feeling? Or maybe you're suffering chemically in which case medication could help with the imbalance? Or maybe a mixture of both is necessary..

    You said that you don't have "the space to explain", but i just wanted to let you know that you can take all the space you need here.. if you would like to talk more about what's going on for you, what's brought you to this space of despair and wanting out, then please do so.. we're here and will be listening.

    I hope things improve for you soon and that other parents are able to share their experiences with you here.
    Jenny x
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    My God you have put into words what I have been struggling with for years. At one point I even resented my children because they were the only reason to prolong the agony. Then it became how I hated trying to find the "perfect" time that would make it easier for everyone. I'm a single mom with 4 children that range form 17 to 3 years old. I love them much more than I could ever love myself. And as a parent they are always put first and foremost. And like you I know just how devasting and the life long effects my suicide will have on their lives. But in the same breath I know how devasting and life long my mental health issues are on them now. I battle the guilt of the two daily and to be completely honest I have come to a point where everything that can be done to prepare them has been done. Either way I hurt my darling precious children so now it's just a matter of which hurt will leave the smallest scar. Hun if you need to talk or just want to share some common thoughts pm me.
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    You express perfectly what I've been going through the past several years, with a 26 year old son getting married January 3, 09, and a daughter turning 21 in a few weeks, then getting started on college. Family is what keeps me going. My wife of 36 years, my children, my Mom and siblings...I set goals for myself to aim for - my daughter's birthday in October, then my son's wedding. So far, that's as far as I can project. That's a long time away, when at first it had to be just one day at a time. I'm looking forward to my eternal rest and peace in heaven, but no one wants me to hasten the day.

    As humans, we have an immense capability of coping with very difficult things and illnesses. Sometimes it's a matter of determination, but mostly, for me, at least, it's by the grace of God and the patient listening of therapists, and a psychiatrist who keeps me going with medications, and a couple of friends who are willing to let me vent. Facing the future without all those helps frightens me.

    Children are great motivators.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I just want to say that you guys are so amazing for staying around and helping your children, even though sometimes you might feel like giving up. Children need their parents in their lives in order to grow and mature properly and learn right from wrong. Also, I can't even imagine how awful it would be for a child to have to find his/her dead parent. That would scar a child for life. I just want to give all the parents a big hug for sticking around. :hug:
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