For What it's Worth

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by penguinpete, Jun 12, 2008.

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  1. penguinpete

    penguinpete New Member

    What can i say to a bunch of people I don't know. First of all I will be upfront and say that i'm not going to kill myself. Now with that out of the way you may be wondering why i'm even here. Well I've thought about ending my life more than i've eaten bowls of cereal. I used to fall back on reasons not to do it like:

    I'm a star in the sky and it would look different without me, which would lead me to thinking about this chain reaction of an effect i have on the entire world

    I would leave the ones who love me behind and I couldn't make them suffer anything that i'm going through

    Or just that I have researched every possible way and there is not any proof that any of them are guaranteed or aren't the most painful thing you will ever experience. Right now my reason for not doing it, is that it wouldn't do anything except cause my friends and girlfriend to be very angry that i'd be that selfish. I don't want to cause my parents to cry again.

    But these are ridiculously negative reasons not to end my life. Plus I think people are expecting it to happen.

    Here is what is going on with my life for some background info:

    I am 23 years old attending college and living with my girlfriend of almost 5 years long. Everything has dropped on me at once:

    first I got denied another loan from which i've been living on the last since i moved out (i was stupid when i was a teenager and quit every job i had and burned every helpful bridge)

    Second jealousy got the best of me and I read my girlfriends journal (one of the worst things i could do to her) and found out she's been wanting to date other people and is in love with one of them. Because of my relentless chats that are me attempting to fix the distance that's grown between us so she can be in a place to help me. She wants to either move in with this other guy or move out on her own, she doesn't trust me anymore and she might be out by the end of this month. She's my everything and every time i try to explain what i'm going through she gets frustrated with talking about the same thing.

    thirdly because of the loan I have max about 1 and a half months left in my appartment. my parents don't want me to move home but it may happen anyway.

    fourthly I'm losing my will to do anything, I'm in web design right now and i'm going to a community college. I really don't see a future anymore and even though i have already ruled out suicide, I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm afraid to talk to my mom because my girlfriend and i might work out and I don't want my mom to hate her. I can't talk to my best friend because he's going through a similar ordeal.

    I just figured people really listen to you in a place like this. i hope that even though I'm not dying that you still want to.

    I've never done anything like this before i've always been afraid of admiting i had depression. but now my anxiety and my jealousy has made it impossible to trust my girlfriend...and not just a girlfriend, but the one girl i hope to marry when all this is figured out. My greatest fear is trying as hard as i possibly can and the best i can do is less than average. If my fears become a reality I feel like I could never get my life back together again.

    I wish I knew why the most important people are still just temporary.
    I wish I knew why love doesn't conquer all.
    I wish I had an example, my parents marriage is a dad is gay and my mom stays married because she's Morman.

    I wish i could stop hating myself long enough to show my girlfriend I'm worth it. I wish i believed i was worth it. I wish i hadn't stayed up till 5am to write this only to have to wait till tomorrow to see if people read it.

    thank you gotta sleep now
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to what you are feeling. My luck with women has been zilch. Every relationship I have had ended with my other half cheating on me. My last one I was engaged to and she just totally went crazy. She is in her forty's and has turned goth, the black hair, black nail polish, black lipstick, black clothes, etc.etc. We bought a house together so I figured I could trust her. Boy was I wrong. She started cheating on me,and she ripped me off for $18,000 I put the money in a joint checking accout and she pulled it out and put it in an account with just her name on it.
    My point is you will get over her if she walks. You will go thru greiving, then anger, eventually you will see that it wasn't ment to be. I wish you luck and stay strong...:chopper:
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