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For What?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Austere Night, Sep 23, 2008.

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  1. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    I can get through my sorrow. I can, and I know it, but I don't care. I don't even want to care anymore. I could live, but for what? Life is failing to offer me anything I seem to desire.

    I share something in common with all the transsexuals in this world. I know what it is to be a mismatch with physical being. I'm not a human. Not really. I'm not a man, I'm not a lion or bear, I am not anything this Earth knows. I do my best to stand at the sideline and watch all you, wishing that I really wasn't part of it. I study, and I don't like what I see; I see the ignorance of all people, the willing wanton ignorance. I see social groupings distorting everyone and bending them to it, and once again it is indulged in by humans willingly and wantonly.

    I don't want to be a human. I don't want to live on Earth. Only in my fevered dreams do I have a solution. I wish I could fly away; fly away to somewhere, ANYWHERE and life alone. Live on a space station in orbit and look down at the Earth.

    At least that would justify my loneliness. At least then I would be able to accept that I'm alone forever and that's it, but no. Being down here I have this small glimmer of hope I will find someone else that knows what is to live on the sidelines. Someone that isn't really human... But my glimmer of hope is failing. I know if I work at it, I could find such a bond, but I don't care. It's not only that I don't care, but that I don't want to care.

    I want to live alone, detached from it all. Death seems the natural choice; it's cheap, it's lonely and it is free of binds to any physical bodies. It seems to be the ultimate solution for me.
  2. sicksadworld

    sicksadworld Member

    Life is hard for everyone and yet somehow people despite their wanton ignorance manage to press on. You definitely have a different perspective than a lot of other people do but doesn't that offer you insight that the rest of us couldn't achieve?

    I'm very sorry you are sad
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Austere. Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you a man that has become a woman? Did you have the 'surgery?' I know that it may seem like you don't fit in as a male or female in the classical sense, but you know what, you're still a human being and you deserve to be loved just like everyone else. Also, some people are into 'trannies'. :hug:
  4. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    There are a lot of people who feel this way, believe it or not. You are not superior (or inferior). I think everyone feels this to some extent. From your post, I sense that you don't really want to be lonely. You say that you don't want to care, but fact is, you do. It's not beyond your reach. There are people who feel the way you do, and there are people who understand, and people who also desire to find someone like you. You will find someone if you hold on long enough, perhaps many people.

    It sounds like you're really hurting, because you see things that most people don't see. I hope you'll find a way to embrace this and turn it into something positive.
  5. Austere Night

    Austere Night Well-Known Member

    No, I'm not. I'm don't feel I'm man or woman. I feel I am what I am, but that whatever that is cannot find comfort in a human body. My genitals are intact.

    I care? Do I? Maybe I do, but ultimately I don't want to. I just want to resign myself to my fate. I could have innumerable friends in this world, but I die alone. All roads lead to Rome. All life leads to death. Death gives me what I want. I'm free of all these feelings, good and bad, that I don't want. I'm free from this race and this planet. I'm free from everything.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    So does that mean that you feel like a woman trapped in a male body? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just trying to better understand transexuality.
  7. purplefizz

    purplefizz Senior Member

    I don't think he's saying that he's transgendered. :huh:

    In my opinion, you are thinking about this too much. You're overanalyzing the situation and your logic is telling you that suicide is the right answer. That doesn't mean that it is. Try to look at things from a different perspective. Think of the positives of being alive.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Austere Night,
    When I first started seeing my therapist she told me two things 1)I have given up 2) That I don't care about myself or others around me. She was right about both, I just didn't give a damn. I told my sister if I have another heart attack that Just let me go(I don't want any surgerys) I saw what my dad went thru and I don't want that to happen to me.
    Even though I still feel that way I am trying and that is all that counts. You sound like you need a good therapist not a phsycologist or a counselor. Therapists in my book seem to get at the root of what you are thinking about.
    You really need to seek help. I know it doesn't seem that way when you feel the way you do. Sometimes it takes an outsider to help you think a little clearer. Take Care and try to seek the help!!~Joseph~
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