I dread the painful memories Christmas brings.I grew up in a violent household and one year stood out from the rest in that every sign of festive cheer,the decorations,the tree,even the presents were destroyed by a family member....they carried this behaviour on to New years Day when they overturned the table while we we all sitting down trying to have New Years day dinner.This behaviour carried on all year with almost everything in the house being destroyed and acts of physical and mental violence being carried out.Maybe the day I decided to be a rotten person was when the vice principle of my school summoned me from class in order to tell me that he had been chatting with my tormentor and they had both reached the decision that I had let my abuser down,because my school work had deteriorated.I seem to remeber his ignorant but still nonetheless poorly chosen comment that I was "kicking them in the teeth". There is a moment where you stop feeling the injustice and give in.I gave in and as a result I am the shitty individual you have recently come to know. So,one of the reasons I was attracted to this woman,who some of you seem to think I am a semi-rapist towards for becoming wildly inappropriate in my fascination for,is because she has such a love for the Yuletide season.And I know for a fact that Christmas just would not have been there for her when she was a child.And if it was,if her parents made her feel happy at that time of year considering all they had been through themselves,well the thought just makes me want to cry. I just thought it was so lovely that she has never let go of that feeling of wonder. Maybe this makes me a doubly rotten person for being a drain on her emotions. I am willing to change,I really am,and I am sorry if any of you have been reminded of an abusive character from your pasts because of my posting. It was not my intention to do so. I just needed to be honest with myself and admit that the reason I have become suicidal is because at this moment in time all I seem to want to do, and all I seem to actually do is cause hurt and fear. I apologise and acknowledge that the abused party is never in the wrong.