I'm lonely. I've always been lonely in a sweeping, general sense but recently it's very acute since I don't have any friends here. There is nobody I talk to voluntarily. I think about my ex alot, living with him in the apartment was nice. I liked being away from my family. I miss the creature comforts of a warm body in bed and someone to share meals with. The autonomy and the presence of him and our roommate(his brother) are things I miss. Even though I know that that relationship was never what I really wanted I can't discern what it is I really miss and why it's bothering me so much. Do I miss him or the living situation? I feel a small compulsion to call him and forgive him for his infidelity. Our relationship was in poor shape and really I don't blame him from trying to save himself from my persistent depression, for finding companionship wherever he could. On the other hand I know the only thing that gets to him is feeling abandoned. I moved out very abruptly- he didn't stick around to see me off after a three year relationship. I was mad, and now I'm being stubborn. Proving this point, that I don't need to ever see or speak to him again, it's the only feeling I really feel anymore. My substitute for integrity. If I did try to talk to him would it really be for his benefit, or for mine? He hasn't tried to contact me at all in the months since I left. Perhaps that is what he wanted all along and calling would only let him know I really am doing as poorly as he probably figured I would be. I'm not going to take that risk. In the meantime, I need to know how to feel less lonely. Ways to distract myself. I burst into tears all the time. In the bath. While washing dishes. Walking to get the mail. I can't even think of a specific reason for why. I'm just...sad. Thanks to anyone who just read all that.