For whose benifit?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Inque, Nov 20, 2008.

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  1. Inque

    Inque Member

    I'm lonely. I've always been lonely in a sweeping, general sense but recently it's very acute since I don't have any friends here. There is nobody I talk to voluntarily. I think about my ex alot, living with him in the apartment was nice. I liked being away from my family. I miss the creature comforts of a warm body in bed and someone to share meals with. The autonomy and the presence of him and our roommate(his brother) are things I miss.

    Even though I know that that relationship was never what I really wanted I can't discern what it is I really miss and why it's bothering me so much. Do I miss him or the living situation? I feel a small compulsion to call him and forgive him for his infidelity. Our relationship was in poor shape and really I don't blame him from trying to save himself from my persistent depression, for finding companionship wherever he could. On the other hand I know the only thing that gets to him is feeling abandoned. I moved out very abruptly- he didn't stick around to see me off after a three year relationship. I was mad, and now I'm being stubborn. Proving this point, that I don't need to ever see or speak to him again, it's the only feeling I really feel anymore. My substitute for integrity.

    If I did try to talk to him would it really be for his benefit, or for mine? He hasn't tried to contact me at all in the months since I left. Perhaps that is what he wanted all along and calling would only let him know I really am doing as poorly as he probably figured I would be. I'm not going to take that risk.

    In the meantime, I need to know how to feel less lonely.
    Ways to distract myself.
    I burst into tears all the time.
    In the bath.
    While washing dishes.
    Walking to get the mail.
    I can't even think of a specific reason for why.
    I'm just...sad.

    Thanks to anyone who just read all that.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and it is so rough to feel that lonely...are there any interests you have that you can meet ppl either in RL or cyber that can start a relationship? Do you attend any events where you can meet ppl? Maybe chatting/posting about what you perceive would be obstacles to meeting ppl might be helpful...good luck with this and big hugs, J
  3. Inque

    Inque Member

    Hey. Thanks for the reply.

    I have a hard time relating to people. I've never made friends easily and even when I did have a social life I never felt connected. I've always preferred being alone to anxiety I feel when I'm trying to force myself to socialize. People usually perceive me as cold or mean. I know I have a way about me that seems friendly but disinterested. I don't how to be anything else feeling the way that I do.

    I have no transportation. The only people I see other than my family are my co-workers. I don't ever go out, I couldn't if I wanted to.

    I did have a relatively active online social life until recently. I've just been feeling so tired and sad I haven't been able to motivate myself to maintain those contacts.

    I keep thinking that I just want to kill myself.
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you feel as you do. I know what it's like to feel that lonely and I'm so thankful that I found the forum. Here it just seems easier to chat to people because I know I don't have to hide behind any kind of mask. I can be the real me. It's made me see that I am not alone. I hope you can get the same thing. Chat or pm me anytime:smile: As for calling your ex you should only do that if you really want that relationship back. If not then learn whatever lessons you can from it and move on. There are plenty of others out there.
  5. Inque

    Inque Member

    Thank you Raven.

    You're right, and I don't really want the relationship back. I think I just want to know that I am missed. The breakup left me with a serious dent in my already diminished self-worth. I guess I want him to realize he did an awful thing in lying and cheating. I want life to be fair and for him to feel remorse. From what I can tell, I don't think he does.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    He may never feel remorse for what he did to you. I know it is hard to just let go, but that is what you need to do.It doesn't do you any good to wish for those things in which you have no control. Let him go completely. He isn't worth it to you. :hug:
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