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Forcing Yourself to Stay Alive for Family

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by The Last Outsider, Jan 13, 2011.

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  1. Is anyone else anchored down to a miserable existence because of family? To be completely honest, if I didn't care about my brother or vice versa, I would get the hell out of this world as soon as possible. I've talked about this with him and he said that although of course he wouldn't want me to take my own life, he would understand if I did. He knows how fucked I am in life. Despite the fact that I am suffering every damn second of every day I feel that the suffering I would impart upon my brother if I would make an end of things would be infinitely greater somehow. And I know that family is just a fucking illusion like everything else, but this illusion of all, seems the most real to me.
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    There are alot of days that I feel this way to but then once I really start thinking its not all for them, after what Ive been through and sounds like you to, dont you think we owe it to ourselves to wait to see if happiness is coming or if it can be achieved at all?
  3. On the contrary, I sometimes think that we owe it to ourselves to stop, to make an end of things. Speaking for myself, happiness is an impossibility. I've already come to terms with this. I'm tired of waiting for something that can never come...and for the nothing that will come, that I can make come.
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    When i was at my worst, it was only the knowledge that i would destroy my family if i were to take my own life that stopped me.

    In hindsight, now that i am doing much better, i am glad that i have them, because at the time i resented them so much for trapping me here.

    I hope one day you will get the help you need to start making you feel better and can be thankful that you have them.
  5. And your right DIY, it isn't all for them. To my own torment I think - as much as I hate to say it - that I am actually overestimating my relationship with my brother. All in all, family is overrated, but at times it's all you got really, and you're lucky to have it.
  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Yes, I'm forcing myself because of the children, the responsability I feel for them is bigger than any wish I have including the one to die and it's been like that for the past two years. But, I wonder how good a mother I can actually be, Ive changed so much in the last few years that it had effect on them too and most visible one is school, they're both getting worse at it. Every time I'm on the edge the only thing that prevents me is the thought that I'd ruin their lives if I commited suicide. I hope I'll manage it a couple of years more until they finish school and after that there's really no one else whose hurt could prevent me getting rid of mine. Selfish it is, I know, but I'm getting so tired of this I don't know what else.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too like you Morfea hold on for my daughter and son and twin it is so hard so hard to be here in so much internal pain but i cannot pass this pain on never.
    even when your children are done school they will need you and you do not want them to live the rest of their lives in sadness and pain like ours. I hope you can find some help i really do emotionally help and eventually i hope you find peace inside as do i that is all we want right peace hugs to all of you
  8. I really feel for all the mothers out there hanging on cause of their kids. My own mother shares your struggles.
  9. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Peace, indeed Violet, that would be great, to be at peace whatever life throws my way. Big hugs to you and all.
    Thank you Last Outsider, it's really nice to hear.
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I think you should build on your relationship with your brother, how awesome to have someone that your grew up with, knows the history and is interested in sharing a life with you. I know that sounds corny but really coming from someone that has no family (because Im so much better than them cause Im not infested with drugs and drama) its a huge thing to have someone there to support you.

    Im staying or trying my damnest to stay for my kids, today feels like one of the hard ones where I just want to cry, some days its just not enough and I want to give up. Maybe I should have stayed home today and not came to work. Who knows maybe Its good to have come to work to keep me occupied.

    Hope your feeling better.
  11. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    For me it's better to go to work, or anywhere where there are people. It's just a temporary relief, but still, makes be better for a while. Hope you stay strong DIY. I hope you all do. As much as I don't want to live the only thing I want more is something that would make that wish go away. Not just the responsability I feel for the children, but a genuine wish that comes from inside, from myself.
  12. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    this is the thread i've been searching for.
    i am only staying alive for my parents and dog. deep down i really think without me they woud be better off; i'm such a burden. with the exception of my dog. i couldn't die and let her be taken to a shelter. when we got her she was on death row because she's older and she had this horribly sad look on her eyes as if to say 'i'm not good enough and i know it' (shit, maybe i'm projecting?). so she's really older this time around...
    and yeah i feel resentful that they haven't disowned me. i entertain thoughts of doing something that would make them disown me but then whatever it is would upset them too so it's a lose lose situation.
    i have ruined the life they wanted for me. i hate myself.
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    all your parents truly want is for you to be happy i hope one day with help you can hugs
  14. Pierre

    Pierre New Member

    Yeah, I'm staying alive for my mom, because I know she would be hurt too much if I died. It's good that you have your brother to have you think about the consequences of actually going through with it. But I know how you feel ... what do you think? Because I think maybe having just that one family member who you know loves you is enough, even if every day you feel miserable. What gets me through every miserable day is thinking about how many miserable days my mom would have if I really did die. I think the same goes for your brother ...
  15. Staysuplate

    Staysuplate Member

    Yeah pretty much, and my mother passed away recently, and she was quite young, and my little sister is somewhere else now too, and so not a factor, and now I just have an elderly grandfather and elderly aunt, and I'll be there for them to care, appreciate, and help them, in their twilight years, and I mean, I could still go before them, but now i am playing a morbid waiting game.
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for your loss, I hope you continue to fight this and find the reasons your looking for.
  17. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I've been staying alive for family and friends for many years now. Right now I really shouldn't try anything because my granddad is in hospital and that would kill him. But even if my family is important, my best friend is the main reason why I'm here.
  18. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Its not my family, but just one or two people i know, who i stay alive for. Even though things are tough with my girlfriend, our relationship isn't going well, and i believe she is better off without me, i also don't want to hurt her, and think it would be hard for me to make that step if i thought it would... Besides that, there is one friend who i've talked to online for several years now... They were there for me though so much, and i was the same for them too... we don't talk as much as we used to, as we both have more on in our lives, but... the thought of dying without them being ok with it, or at least understanding why i had no choice, is very difficult.
  19. Worthless

    Worthless Well-Known Member

    I agree with this 100%.
    I would of ended my life a long time ago if it werent for my family.
    Surely everyone dies, and your family suffers for it, but it would be selfish of me to end it knowing that my little brothers are going to grow up without their sister whos taken care of them for alot of their life.
    And my mum, who is already fragile as it is, losing her best friend.

    I hate my family because I love them too much to do anything.
    But I hate my life, and Im always curious if they would accept my decision or despise me for doing that to them.
  20. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    You got me.Absolutely.
    My only existence in this world is becuz of my family - my dad.(and my sweetie)
    and no one else. My dad is more imp than anyone else 4 me but currently i just dream n think only of my sweetheart:flowers:

    I love u dad
    I love u mommy(she is no more)

    I love u Amy(my sweetheart)
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