for the past several days i have been going up to the attic...knowing that is the only safe 'refudge' for me now. I often stand in the only window in that attic and wonder how life would be without me in it. I open that window and stick my head out (upper half of my body) and just stare at the ground. Even tho its not that far off the ground....if i fell just right i wont be living and breathing anymore. I stand there thinking...sometimes listening to a song about how i feel...I wonder if the neighbors know. If they see me as a risk or are they just as oblivious as my family. Its so obvious now, i see it in myself...most of the people at the barn do too...but they like my family do nothing to help. I dont know if that is a good thing or not. At one time i would have welcomed help with open arms....but now...now i think i am beyond help. What can anyone do now? I cant even speak...Im in pain...physical, mental, emotional but it doesnt matter. and it wont matter til the day i die.