forever broken

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Mar 27, 2012.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    for the past several days i have been going up to the attic...knowing that is the only safe 'refudge' for me now. I often stand in the only window in that attic and wonder how life would be without me in it. I open that window and stick my head out (upper half of my body) and just stare at the ground. Even tho its not that far off the ground....if i fell just right i wont be living and breathing anymore. I stand there thinking...sometimes listening to a song about how i feel...I wonder if the neighbors know. If they see me as a risk or are they just as oblivious as my family. Its so obvious now, i see it in myself...most of the people at the barn do too...but they like my family do nothing to help. I dont know if that is a good thing or not. At one time i would have welcomed help with open arms....but now...now i think i am beyond help. What can anyone do now? I cant even speak...Im in pain...physical, mental, emotional but it doesnt matter. and it wont matter til the day i die.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you Life would not be better with you gone please hun reach out o kay for the help you deserve hugs talk to your doctor someone who can get you the support you need
     
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    hey...

    You need to let your doctor know what is going on. Also, you need to get into hospital to get stabilized.

    You know these thing from our countless convos. You always resist.

    Sometimes one person saying it isn't enough.

    I worry about you. With everything you do that is destructive, especially the stuff we have talked about, I am at a loss as to what to suggest.

    Vent out here, but you know you need to see a psych and get a therapist. You need the support.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey hun...just logged in and saw your pm...
    I'm worried about you...

    please don't hurt yourself over what happened
    your life is worth more than that...

    what happened with your friend well...... you've been under a lot of stress and pain lately so it's understandable

    please don't be too hard on yourself..

    I hope being on leave will help you and you know you can come back here when you need to
    Lightbeam seems to know you well and I agree seeking help is the best option for you
    we don't want to lose you.
    I understand you're in a lot of pain that's why I want you to reach out for help

    this forum is full of people on the 'edge' and we all at times do and say things we don't mean to
    It's part of the anxiety that goes with this illness

    be gentle with yourself and stay safe :hug: :console: :heart:

    re the attic...my ex BF fell through a roof and didn't die but broke himself up pretty bad...he couldn't even feed himself or go to the toilet alone for months ..I had to help him with everything..he was lucky he wasn't in a wheelchair.
    just saying that what you're thinking to do could cause you even more pain and suffering in the long run.
     
  5. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    i was told u were looking for me...please dont worry. i am back for now at sf...i dunno how long I will stay...i feel so out of place. My world stopped 3 days ago but the rest of the worlds population continues to turn. I am in a lot of pain from an accident at the barn today but i have not tried to harm myself since 2 days ago...so i guess im safe. im not sure i can forgive myself for what i said to 'him' that night, but i will not talk of it anymore. Most people i have talked to lately thinks it so damn easy to fix my problems but it isnt and im getting angry now when people dont seem to get it which isnt fair to them. They dont really know me, they dont know my life...i shouldnt just go off like i did...been thinking a lot about just not talking anymore. be better for them (all of sf) and for me
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you let me know how you are Roll n.....I was worried about you...
    yes I did try to find out how you were doing..I hope you don't mind.

    what happened at the barn hun if I can ask?

    I am learning at my ripe old age (taken me this long and a fair bit of counceling) that it is better to confront our problems so they can't become so overwhelming we feel like there's no way to deal with them..
    I hope you will keep talking to us but I understand you have to do what you feel is right for you

    yes life isn't easy and in fact it suks sometimes...but promise me you will keep trying to help yourself..
    be gentle with ''you'' ok....you are worth it...:hug:
     
  7. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    I dont mind you asking. I wonder when I left if anyone would notice or try to find out.

    I tripped over the kids (great grandchildren of owners of barn) toys and went flying. Landed on my knees on the hard rubber mats. Today both knees are bruised and its painful to bend them (when trying to stand up or sit down). I didnt break them but sore as hell, im guess im lucky considering they were already 'broken'.

    I guess im at a loss as to how to deal with this. I know I have to let things out but seems everytime i do I let it out on the wrong person and fuck up. I guess i just need to learn when ive said enough and leave certain things unsaid.

    I'll try...cant promise anything else but ill try :hug:
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    that's all you can do is try hun...trying is a good start!
    sorry you've hurt your knees..I hope they get better quickly..will that make it hard to mount the horses?
    have you hurt them before?

    I'm learning 'assertiveness' at the moment with my T..I've always had a habit of bottling things up and then exploding.
    being unassertive then the other extreme aggresive...

    being able to say how I'm feeling without exploding is working better for me
    perhaps you might be able to have some help with learning that technique?...do you have a T? there are books on it also..
    it takes practice but can be helpful..

    hope you have a better day today :hug:
     
  9. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    thanks....at the moment I cant ride at all because i cant stand on one leg (in order to mount u have to put all my pressure on one leg before swinging other leg over horse and saddle). going up and down stairs is torture also. From previous injury and increased weight gain...I now have little to no cushion, so when i bend them I hear crunching.

    Ive never been able to let things out or let go of anything, but its something I have to learn. Cuz I know now what bottling up does to me.

    I used to have a T but things went really bad...i havent had one in 3-4 yrs...If i have a choice id probably choose the books verses attempting to get another T. Considering my insurance wont pay for that nor is it really possible right now even if it did. :hug:
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    those knees sound painful ..is there something they can do to fix them?
    I am on the waiting list here for arthroscopy decompression on both my knees but they're nowhere near as bad as yours..
    I fell on mine years ago too

    I hope you get a chance to rest them so the pain will ease..
    take care :hug: