forget me as I will be gone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Oct 19, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    too learn I wasn't daddy's little girl and my older sister was also sexually abused has killed me and also opened so many other questions for me.
    Too also within days off each other to learn that my uncle abused both my little sister and I (I don't know if my older sister was subject to abuse from him). Has ended the happy family I always tried to hold on. Destroyed.
    The whole has collapsed on top off me, suffocated, my heads exploded, I'm about to physsically and mentally explode but I can't let go off the confusing feelings. I keep getting throat infections, chest infections colds, tells me that something, someone doesn't want me to talk and this is the way I'm being told.
    Having also found out that my mum possibly did try to help me, but then got funny with me when I told her I was going to see my GP records, more questions, is she lying, is she hiding something that I don't know?

    I can't cope with all this, my world has literally feel apart around me, yeah I can pretend I'm smiley, getting on with things..but this week, I've sat in my Pj's, I've sat and held the pills and other drug I have in my hand with thoughts of how easy it would be to take them and for everything to go away. I told my counsellor today I was feeling suicidal, and she wants me to hold on, and to experience the sunshine that I've never had before, but how. I'm over the edge already, I don't see sunshine, i don't see things getting easier. 28 years have dramatically changed, people I thought I knew I don't. Things I was unsure of have come true, my dad, the person I loved with all my heart is a p**********, my uncle is a p********** and charlie is a p*********** and i'm meant to be able to forget that 3 people I loved, cared for forget it, it doesn't fucking matter. they killed me anyway. I want to be dead, I want to die,I'm not happy, destroyed. forget it, forget me.
     
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    how can we forget you, you are part of our family now.
    please hold on hun,
     
  3. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    couldnt possibly ur to important to us all pm hun ill chat with u please dont feel alone your not alone and u are cared for by so many here hold on just a while longer :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
     
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm so numb, just numb.
     
  5. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    lost child, how can we forget you? i'm here for you in any way i can be.
     
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I have never been a somebody, always the nobody, nobody's child, nobody's friend. layin on my bed, eyes are so heavy and the pills are just laying they, a bottle of morphine and all the pills. I don't have energy, living is hell. never have i felt sad, and alone as I do now. just the sound of the keys, my phone doesn't ring, no1 contacts me. People won't even notice I'm dead. just a nobody somwhere in the world.
     
  7. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    You have posted something similar before and I told you then that it was the demons speaking and not you. You have GOT to fight them,you are worth your place in the world as much as anyone else and certainly more than the people who have caused you such distress.

    Your infections are not someone trying to tell you something,they are to do with the fact that you are not looking after yourself properly in terms of diet,exercise etc.Depression also knocks the immune system.

    I am pleased that you have opened up to the counsellor but concerned about your current thought-mode. If you really feel this way you should tell your sisters who I am sure will help you.Throw the pills away and try to focus on other things .Think about what you like in life and go for this in a big way.

    I do not have past issues like you but have had a crappy last three months but lately things have taken a turn for the better and I am so pleased that i did not attempt anything stupid before.

    Why do you keep saying you are worthless when in fact you are blameless?
    Do you really think that your mum and sisters would just forget you? More chance of martians invading the earth.You would cause untold grief to them and don't think otherwise.

    Keep posting.
     
  8. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Your value as a person has not been lessened because of the things they did to you and your siblings. If anything, you are a stronger and better person now and I think you should carry on because things will most definitely go upward when you are at the bottom.
     
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    cause I feel worthless. I feel like i am a nobody. a friday nite and home alone again. No calls, no friends, no family. this really isn't a life is it.
     
  10. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    what do you do for a living?

    The real problem is that you don't trust anyone and you probably unconsciously come across like that which can put people off.You have got to learn to relax and act naturally rather than being uptight

    Give other people a chance.. try to dispel the past and "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". What about evening classes,sports clubs, you need to go out and about and TRUST
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    When I get into work I'm a Business Applications Consultant.

    I don't trust, and I know I don't trust people. I've tried and the last time I trusted someone it was thrown back in my face. I've had so called friends rape me, because I said NO to sex, 4 times I said NO NO NO and still they over powered me and have sex. I want to be able to trust, not trusting anyone and pushing people away does u feeling very lonely but its not just my childhood.

    when I went away in Jan with so called friends, I asked them not to leave me alone in the bar area with these men that were quite loud and been very flirty with me...they left me I don't know how long for but enough time for 5 of the men to grab me, put a tie around my neck and pull me like a dog into the lift where each one was touching me, another tie was put around my neck and as we got out of the lift they pulled me towards one of the rooms, it was only interventation from another person in the hotel that I wasn't raped that nite, but I was sexually attacked...I trusted my friends to stay with me but they walked off.. so I don't trust easy. sorry
     
  12. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    Out of interest and ignorance, what does a business applications consultant do? It certainly sounds very clever

    I can understand your mistrust, with friends like that .It is easy to mistrust the human race but I still maintain that the vast bulk of people are good and so you need to try again.Rape or attempted rape is a crime that is NOT tolerated by society - what happened to you was wrong not right,please do not think any other way

    You need to go to places where you will feel safe eg evening classes ( and get a taxi home) where you can meet people in a group setting.Build up some interests in your life, it IS worth living
     
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Its Information tech, I basically I anaylis the system they use, they business needs, make recommendations and then implement the changes needed.

    I used to go Thai Boxing, but stopped...I've tried the gym but I felt everyone was looking, I know they weren't and were looking at themselves but I couldn't help feeling that all eyes were on me (not that I'm anything special) its just paranoia.

    I'm really shy as well, so meeting new people is like a whooo..I have panic attacks, I get a mess. I can go out, and get drunk and speak to people but that gives me more problems.

    Sorry I'm just so negative. I've been taking pills all day and now feeling tired so giong to bed. I don't feel too good.
     
  14. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone of us here, can help you overcome this by yourself. You seem completely devastated.

    I strongly recommend calling "crisis counselling" or "sexual abuse helpline" or 1-800-suicide hotline"(in your area) and talking to them about what's happened and how you're feeling.

    I don't have any right to tell you what to do with your life but I hope you hold on.. just a little longer and seek more help, online or offline.

    Just checking, have you had enough food lately? Don't forget to eat and sleep well, try to be healthy.

    I'll pray for you.
     
  15. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I took an overdose on friday nite, it wasn't unfortuntely enough to send me to sleep forever I didn't get medical help, I wanted to die so why would I. The last 2 days, i've been ill, sleeping and when awake drinking alcochol, anything to end the misery, the pain.

    I am seeing a pyschotherpist, psychiatrist and waiting to see a psychologist. Apprentely, unless you end up in hospital unconcious from an overdose your not worthy of support. if you say the thoughts of suicide are increasing please help, you get yes but are you going to kill urself...this moment, maybe not, but in the very near future yes..oh but ur intelligent, intelligence has nothing to do with it..what about the people who you leave behind, how do you expect me to tell them u killed urself?, i reply what about how I feel (selfish maybe) but I don't feel what others feel just what I feel. what about me? my whole life has been about others, doing what others wanted me to do..what about me.....if you feel like killing urself will you call the samaritians..NO. Can you try, yes. Ok, see you in 6 weeks..end of discussion.

    why does it always have to be about everyone else, what about how i feel ~ why does everyone seem to do the guilt on you.

    I have been looking for answers, looking for support, I feel so much an outsider to everyone. I feel all the time that I'm just a shadow, not a person.

    I can't seem to find any contentment or understanding, I feel like i've ran out of choices.
     
  16. nowill2live

    nowill2live Member

    when it rains it pours. I'm glad your attempt didn't work and that you're still around. I read the stuff you wrote and certainly your life has been filled with hardships. I think that the fact that you're willing to come here and tell about this means some part of you wants to live

    hold on to that tiny little part till it overtakes you and you find peace and happiness. all seems black and white now but it will all pass and you'll see that there is joy in this seemingly bleak existence
     
  17. numberman

    numberman Well-Known Member

    I was hoping you were having a better weekend as you had not posted

    You should read the thread "paying the price" before thinking that an overdose might be a good idea..

    Both the work you do and the nature of ( most of) your posts reveals you to be bright and articulate.You also revealed in an earlier post how much you love your niece and nephew,what do you think they would make of it all if you hurt yourself or worse? You may think you are selfish but do you really want to hurt them and your sisters for life (-and don't think that anything else would be the result)


    The expression "get out more" is usually used in a jokey sense but it applies here in a serious way.You need to do some activities in a group setting,you have plenty of choices in London.There is nothing wrong with shyness,don't use alcohol to cover it up. Nobody can be liked by everybody but there are plenty of people around who would like you as a friend but you have to make the first step,you are worth the effort and don't think otherwise
     
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