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Forgiveness. Please tell me I'm right?

HappyKitty

•✮• SF's pet kitty, the cheerful and purest. •✮•
#1
After the eating disorder support group... Like... What kind of hell hole bad influenced family am I from? How can my mother thinks its okay to control her child cruelly and not taking any responsibilities for lowering her kids self-esteem dangerously?! I am still trying to absorb everything, because of my ADHD, I am the slowest to absorb how cruel my mum is that I just realised why my brothers are all wanting to move out and STAY away from her. Only I can't afford moving out yet so I am with my grandpa. I am sad with the way my parents upbringing, not only that it effects me but it did effects my brothers mental health as well. Okay look..

Me: I have eating disorder next cause my parents are always harsh on my weight, thinking I'm always not deserving treatments and expects me to be perfect all the time.
My 2nd younger brother: He had lived in Australia for 4 years and living there 2 more years, he didn't even chat with us unless its super necessary.
Other than that, complete silence and my mum did cry wondering why her kids didn't even approach her...
My 3rd younger brother: Lowers his confidence and becomes severely introvert. He can't even be the spokesperson of himself.
My 4th younger brother: Was a people pleaser so ever since he work as a firefighter, only then he had change.

Now that all of us notice how my mum behaviour is, she can't completely still be out of control with us right? I mean, all the good stuffs we're educated with is not even from her. ..
We learned it ourselves.. . My close friend Diyana even cried for me... . .. ?

I know everyone is sorry with my parents abuse on me because again, of my adhd but I'm just glad that they're home and... if I know my parents can't control us because they're angry, so I feel like the only thing I
could do is just forgive them and forgive myself then gets back to focusing on myself. If I'm in their position, I'd be the same right? I can't control them either if I'm so angry now. It is what the support group has thought me. None of us is perfect and that this is how we should be kind to ourselves and each other and if I continue to fret this, this will not help with my ED recovery at all... I'm trying to avoid that.

So am I right to forgive her? Should I just let her be if she can't control herself? She's gonna look so crazy when all of us knows how to avoid her. haha.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#2
So am I right to forgive her? Should I just let her be if she can't control herself? She's gonna look so crazy when all of us knows how to avoid her. haha.

You seem to be well tuned into your situation ,,sounds like your mam has serious issues and as you say she can't control herself.
God knows her own upbringing and what toxic behaviour she's learned .
Be glad your aware and live today in regards you have the tools to better yourself.
Maybe in time your mam can get help.
Gabor mate is an addiction specialist but he has great understanding in the family dynamics and what make us tick.
I was able to take the foot off the gas of anger towards my dad after what I learned of hes past.
Alot is learned behaviour.
Key to moving forward is setting boundaries.
Kudos with having such awareness.
 

HappyKitty

•✮• SF's pet kitty, the cheerful and purest. •✮•
#3
Thank you so much @LOSTINSIGHT I just feel sad after forgiving her cause part of me feels like “being raped” (just expressing it). It felt unfair but everytime if I complain this to someone, they’re gonna say “kid, I know your mum never wants you to be in treatment but you seriously need to hang on cause you deserve to be in treatment whatever weight you are. you need forgiveness for your recovery forward. forgo them.” i just feel sad i swear. idky.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#4
I've the type of personality that bares grudges trust me its useless, it serves no one ,your young ,you can learn new ways and undo what ever your mam did .
Since I understand my personality I can move forward with forgiveness of others
.stop listening to everyone else and find your own path
. Other peoples dark energy can affect us .most of the time there not even aware what there at .my father has a very dark pain body, hindsight I can see why we clashed.
Maybe you will need help filtering out resentment,,that's OK,,get good at understanding your feelings and emotions.
Set the boundaries, if your not getting the validation you deserve ,take a step back and validate yourself .its all learning that takes time.
Gabor mate ,exhart tolle,doshin roshi,,these have helped me in understanding everything we come up against in life .
Peace and take care .
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
SF Pro
#5
Hi @HappyKitty
I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this, but it’s so good that you recognise the toxic behaviours coming from your mum. No one should tell you how to look. Whether that’s you wanting to be fat, thin, skinny, medium, well built. No one has the right to say that! She shouldn’t be restricting you at all and should not be controlling what you eat. That’s against your human rights.
you’re fairly young (I think) so you could easily amend the tools she has taught you. This behaviour is just not acceptable. If my kids felt like this towards me I’d be devastated.
As a mother I do worry about my oldest daughter and her weight, not that she’s fat at all, but right now she has a bit of puppy fat coz she’s clearly not been as active as normal, like when she’s at school. She’s not the best eater either, she’d eat a whole oven cooked pizza if I let her. She’s 7 by the way. But I’m not gonna fixate on her weight because I don’t want her to end up like me
Anyway, I hope one day you can escape her and her manipulative ways ♥️
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#6
Disclaimer in regards anyone i mention and myself.
I've done alot of reading and trying to understand how we tick, ive had good reason.
My late 30s before my subconscious gave up its secrets after years of treating myself terribly.last year I had an existential shift in my phsyci.its what brought me to this site.
Turn off the news and social media are two of the biggest tips ive seen come out of my vast research.
Cheers.
 

cymbele

SF Supporter
#7
Forgiveness does not mean that you agree with her behavior. it means that you let it go and don't let it hold you back. I had a friend who did bad things mentally to me and I forgave her but never hung out with her after that. But it doesn't bother me anymore. Someone on this site said that withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die. forgive and forget. Stay away from her. I had to do the same thing with my mother.

My 2 cents
 

HappyKitty

•✮• SF's pet kitty, the cheerful and purest. •✮•
#8
Thank you so much everyone! ❤️ I’ve never been this happier and so validated in my entire life! 😺🧚‍♀️

DBFB76A5-71C0-416C-84E0-2FD031D4475A.jpeg
 
#9
Hey Kitty. I don’t know about forgiveness, since that’s a very personal thing. If you can, it seems like it might be a good thing. But, either way, now that you understand that’s just how she is you need to find a way to let go of all the negative stuff she taught you about yourself. You’re not gonna make her happy, she’s incapable of it, so just focus on taking care of yourself.
 

HappyKitty

•✮• SF's pet kitty, the cheerful and purest. •✮•
#10
Hey Kitty. I don’t know about forgiveness, since that’s a very personal thing. If you can, it seems like it might be a good thing. But, either way, now that you understand that’s just how she is you need to find a way to let go of all the negative stuff she taught you about yourself. You’re not gonna make her happy, she’s incapable of it, so just focus on taking care of yourself.
yeah. welp my point here is... being perfectionism is gross af and taking pride about that is off the line. Like being perfectionist does make you feel so bad on everything about yourself. Its gross, id rather have self respect. 😺
 

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