Forgiveness?? What is that?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ~PinkElephants~, Dec 13, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I don't know what to do anymore. I'm like beyond everything with this relationship with him. I like him but he grates me the wrong way. I like him but I have the undoubted feeling that he's only out for one thing. I like him, but it's like he gets off on watching me hurt and cry. I don't know what to do. I make an honest mistake and he flies off the handle. He makes a mistake and it's okay and I forgive him. Maybe I'm too forgiving or just don't care enough about the small things to get aggravated. I'm just tired of the tears that he manages to bring to my eyes.

    He says that he forgives me but then screams at me. He says he likes me, wants to get to know me, but when I try to tell him how I feel he shuts me down. It's like what do you really want man because I'm sinking here. I don't enjoy the pain that he brings but he says I get off on it. He says I get off on feeling upset and sad. The last damn thing I want is for anyone to see me cry. He says I'm constantly pushing him away, well maybe I am. Maybe it's gotten to the point where I see through his shit and I push rather then try to dredge through it. Why dredge through it if he still makes me feel like shit? It's relentless and aggravating. It grates my nerves to no end, so why put forth the effort of being with him when he clearly wants nothing to do with me.

    He says he forgives me, but needs to cool down some because he's angry. Isn't forgiveness about trying to work through things? Isn't forgivenessa bout trying to make things okay? How can I possibly do this if he's "too angry" to be a man and talk to me? Instead he screams, yells and makes me feel like utter shit.

    I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to not have someone there now that I've obtained it, but I'm at the point where I'd rather be alone and empty then have someone beat me down like this. The last thing I need is to feel more depressed and empty then I already have felt. It's just not what I need to feel at all anymore.

    Sigh. Sorry for this. I don't think anyone can help me here...I just needed to get this out.
     
  2. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    From what you've said here it really sounds like he's not worth you, or a lot of it could be your perception of the situation and his motives. Only you can answer that, but trust your instincts. Whatever the answer, you deserve more than someone who makes you unhappy. Obviously depending on someone else to make you happy is just doomed to failure, but whoever you're with should at least brighten your day more often than not. If he dosen't do that then that might not be his fault or your fault, maybe you're just not right for each other. You're better off alone than with someone who brings you down. The relationship might just need some time, or you might be better off getting out now before you get hurt more. Whether you're with someone or not though, you are a good person with many admirable qualities and you deserve people in your life who help you to believe that rather than make you doubt it.

    Hope I made sense, take care of yourself
     
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    His anger is a worry. What brings on these outbursts? It sounds to me like relatively inconsequential things can trigger it off. Do you really want to be around somebody that gets angry so easily? That anger is really going to wear you down long term. You're already experiencing that. I also worry that the two of you could end up getting into a shouting match, and he could end up hitting you. I'm not saying just cause he gets angry his the type of guy that beats up women, hell I get angry as well, who am I to judge, but if you play with fire....

    It's interesting you mention him "shutting you down", and he talks about you "pushing him away". I can relate to that. Sometimes when K talks about an issue that we've gone over many times before, I do have a tendency to tune out, and sometimes ill interrupt her and change the subject. She would see that as "shutting her down". Now, I really try to focus on what she is saying, trying to become a better listener. If I do that, hopefully I can come up with better answers to what she is saying, those issues are then sorted, or at least recognized, and with any luck we don't have to keep talking about it.

    Win-win...thats the theory anyway. I think he might need to start listening a little better, perhaps you need to focus on that as well. Listening sounds like such an easy thing to do, but I think its a skill a lot of us have lost. Listening without being distracted or tuning out.

    I know your afraid to be alone. It's wonderful to have somebody in your life, especially if you've been on your own for so long, but there is only so much worth sacrificing in order to keep that relationship. If you're finding that the tears and negativity are starting to out weigh the good times, its time to question if its really worth it.

    It's so hard when you really want it to work so badly, only to find the tears, anger and sadness overwhelming any chance the relationship might have.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2008
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    After the hearty 56 reads and my whole 2 replies I figured I'd update with what's going on. Why do I even bother? Who the fuck knows?

    After going out that night in spite of him and getting shit faced I had a 5 minute voicemail from him on my phone. He sounded not only sad but pitiful. Apparantly after our fight he went over to his dad's(they live next door to each other) and he found him unresponsive on the bed. As R is older than me by ten years his father is a bit older too so any kind of health problem is a huge setback.

    Anyways the message said he was at the hospital with his father and that he had to much anger at the world to hold any anger against me. He also said that hearing me cry made him feel awful and he shouldn't have made me cry. He told me he was sorry and that we should talk.

    I've been in contact with him everyday since the message checking on him, checking up on his dad, and seeing if he needed anything. Turns out he has a liver that's going bad and there's a built up amount of amonia in his system and they are trying to flush it out. He's been unresponsive for most of it and has no idea what is going on.

    My heart breaks for R because I know that his father is all he has left and if his father goes I don't know what will happen to him. He's stated that he's envious of me because I have all this family etc. and it makes me wonder sometimes because I crave silence alot. I love my family don't get me wrong but it's hard when they are there 24/7.

    anyways update for the 2 whole people that resonded. Thanks.
     
  5. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    Well i apologise for missing this, you know my views on it after our countless chats over the past two weeks, end of the day it does sound like he is just out to hurt you Kelly, so you do need to work out what is best for YOU, not for anyone else. As you say he is 10 years older, maybe that is part of what grates you so badly, maybe if you found someone slightly closer to your age it would be easier for you.

    I am sorry to hear about his father and its a time like this he needs yo as a friend as you need friends around you. You know even after our disagreement today i am still going to be there to talk and help you so i hope you will let me and i will talk more about this tonight once i have let it sink in
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    To me forgiveness is to draw the line in the proverbial sand and move on...each of us get angered, it is how we handle it and the damage we do to others when angered that is critical...being angered without personalizing it (e.g. you are such a piece of ___ or it is all your fault ___) is something I do not have a prob with...it is when someone has to lessen the other when angered or does not take responsibility for his/her feelings that causes me concern...when anger becomes rage and rage becomes abuse, I think it is a transgression...only you know how it felt and what cost it was to you...relationships are very difficult and require much attention...only you can tell if this one is worth your work...best of luck, J
     
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    As I stated in the second post between him and I...thinks have been forgiven. Things were said out of anger and hurt and I've dealt with it and so has he. He's dealing with the probable death of his father and I'm standing by him to make sure he's gonna be okay.