The Onion SCHAUMBURG, IL—Foster parent Laurene Talley is a total **** who always has to get into everyone else's business, 14-year-old Kristen Wenc reported Monday. "The second I walk in the door, Laurene is on my ass about something," said Wenc, who never asked to be sent to stay with Talley in the first place. "It's such total bullshit." Enlarge Image Foster Mom A **** Talley, who doesn't have to be such a bitch to Wenc (right) all the fucking time. The ****, who had no right to go through Wenc's backpack, was paired with Wenc by Lutheran Child And Family Services Of Illinois in January, when Wenc's natural mother was convicted for felony drug possession and entered a long-term drug rehabilitation center to avoid a jail sentence. Wenc, who is almost 15 and sure as hell doesn't need anyone looking after her, was doing fine by herself until some stupid social worker, Donna Piwowarski at the Illinois Department Of Child And Family Services, decided otherwise. "The state was alerted to Kristen's need for housing on Jan. 1," said Piwowarski, the bitch. "Kristen stays with her aunt intermittently, but we were unable to contact her, nor were we able to locate any other close relatives. Kristen and I decided together that it would be best to find her a placement in a stable environment until her mother is physically and financially able to resume her care." After four days in a temporary shelter for minors, Wenc was trucked from Chicago all the fucking way out to Schaumburg. "Kristen is staying in the upstairs bedroom, which she's welcome to decorate however she likes," the **** said. "We had a little bit of a rough start together, but I'm confident that she'll settle in. She may even find that she likes it here." According to Talley, Wenc had a "somewhat combative demeanor" during her first weeks with the family. Talley said Wenc broke the windowpane in the front door when she slammed it angrily, and has had arguments with everyone from her new next-door neighbors to her teachers at school. Last week, Wenc stole a vial of cholesterol-lowering medication from the family medicine cabinet and attempted to sell individual tablets in the parking lot of an area gas station. According to Wenc, Talley believes anyone who has anything bad to say about her, even some greaser who works at the goddamn QuikTrip. Assisting Talley with Wenc's care is Don, Talley's total asshole husband. "You can't imagine the horrible family situations some of these kids have had to endure," said Don, talking shit about Wenc's mom. "When you hear what they've been through, you understand a little better why they act out." The **** and the asshole have provided temporary care for 14 different children during their 11 years as foster parents. "Everyone who comes to live here needs to obey the household rules," the total Nazi ****'s husband said. "Most importantly, we don't allow any drinking or drugs. None. There's a strict curfew, there's no smoking inside the house, and we don't allow any violent video games or movies. We're strict, but it's important to provide structure for these kids." According to Wenc, Don forgot to mention a couple of Talley's enforcement techniques, like going through Wenc's room, constantly calling her school, and watching her every minute of the day. In fact, Wenc can't even make a simple phone call without the nosy bitch hanging around the kitchen listening in. Last week, Talley went so far as to drop by Schaumburg High School unannounced to make sure that Wenc was in class. "I was, okay?" said Wenc, who can't skip a single day of school without Talley freaking out like Wenc robbed a bank. "I hope it made her happy to waste her time checking up on me. God, I hate her so much." In addition to riding her ass about every little thing, the old hag treats Wenc like she's some kind of a servant. "Put this away, clean this up, wash this," Wenc said. "That's all I ever hear." As part of her weekly chores, Wenc has to keep both bathrooms clean, vacuum the living room, do her own laundry, and make dinner every single fucking Wednesday night. "Kristen does a great job helping out around the house," the twat said. "She still has some bad habits she needs to break, but I can already see improvement in her attitude. All she needs is a little structure." "Well, I have to admit that the past few days haven't been so good," added Talley, who should just go fuck herself. "I found some marijuana in her backpack and had to ground her. She's been stomping around the house mad ever since." Wenc is one of more than 20,000 minors in Illinois currently living with assholes who won't stay out of their business.