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Found Faith: I Finally Feel Whole Again.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by DanSarg, Feb 4, 2010.

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  1. DanSarg

    DanSarg Member

    I'm not quite sure how I should explain this; but that doesn't change how utterly miraculous this is for me. Those who read my other thread probably heard how I was planning to end everything at college... I failed and I'm glad that I did. What happened:

    I packed what I was going to use into my backpack. My parents knew that I packed books into my backpack before college for me to read during break; so they weren't suspicious. My transport came, and so I went down the stairs and went into the taxi. I was planning to casually slip into the toilets and kill myself there. But every Monday morning, a college psychologist comes to talk to me about my life and how "the map is not the territory". That's where something compelled me: I just slipped and told him everything I planned to do. Ironically, he told me that he was going to the toilet, and told a member of staff on the way.

    My Dad came and picked me up and I was pretty much kicking myself over having blabbed like that. I felt like such a chump. I had thoughts like:

    "You retard... You lost it AGAIN... Now you're stuck here like a poweless little baby. Awwwwww, is baby gonna cry? You !#@%ing bonehead... It's your fault you feel this way."

    "Why did you tell him? You had everything laid out perfectly, and you still managed to screw it up? Are you sure you actually want to die? You seem too pussy to do it."

    "Great. Now your parents have found out; you're @#!%ed."

    The first one thought cut particularly deep, being a member of an infantilist community (ADISC). Being taunted by the state of helplessness I sometimes indulged in made me feel terribly guilty.

    A couple of weeks passed, and one of my friends (name's Leo), came online.

    Leo had a situation in which some girl (whom he called Kitty) and him were wanting to start a relationship. (He's 18 and she is 16). Kitty's father is a Pastor, however, and only allows his daughter to have a relationship with Christians. Leo was obliged to join a church and be baptised before he would be allowed to start a relationship with this girl. I was an anti-thiest and warned him against whatever brainwashing tactics I thought they would employ. I told him that I would be going down to get a snack when I got this odd feeling - an urge to read the Bible.

    What I remember most is how out of character it seemed that somebody interested in LaVeyan Satanism would want to learn about the Christian God. I concluded that gaining knowledge was a good thing, so I scavenged the bookcase downstairs and found a book about Bible stories. I took it upstairs and tried to make sure that nobody caught me (they were used to thinking of me as the family antichrist, and I didn't want the $#!@ hitting the fan) again. I read some stories, like the story of creation and how Adam and Eve spoiled it. The babbling tongues story and Noah's ark. Something about them resonated in me, and I decided that later that day I would try praying for healing to see if anything happened.

    Later that day I tried praying to God. My bedroom door was closed and the doorstop was wedged in to make sure nobody bothered me. Nothing arcane happened; but I felt really strange. My bedroom window was closed and the radioator was on, so the room was stuffy, yet I felt like a cooling breeze was going through me from head to toe. Ever since then, I've been a believer in Christ the Saviour.

    I really feel as if I've been reborn as an entirely new person. To anybody facing despair and thinking about killing themselves: Hold on. Hope is so easy to lose track of when you focus on your fleshy desires; but it's not all bad. Just remain hopeful, because you won't feel like you do forever. I swear upon my newfound faith that you will get through your depression if you try. To all who are struggling and feeling alone, I come to assure you that you aren't. You might not feel it now; but God and his son truly do love you, and feel deeply saddened for you.

    Lots of love to EVERYBODY here.

    ~Dan Sargent
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2010
  2. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    Good stuff :)
    a good message :)
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you found something that works for you.
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I can relate quite a bit to what you're saying here. I went through a tough time the month leading up to the Christmas just gone and I felt extremely alone; unwanted, unloved, things like that as a result of the departure of my ex-boyfriend. But then I was in my bedroom one day and noticed that the rosary beads I bought five years ago at a market were still hanging over my bed. I took them down and ever since then I took them everywhere with me, talking to God and asking him to keep me safe and protected. Then my ex-boyfriend who I was still very much in love with turned up on my doorstep. At first I was angry and upset as I'd just started to get better and accept his departure, but then as time went on and he stayed here we began enjoying our time. When it came to the moment he had to leave, we said goodbye and went our parted ways (he lives in another country). As I left the station I took my beads out that were in my coat pocket and rubbed them. There was this full moon that night and it looked lovely with the clouds in front of it making it look like something out of a werewolf movie. I rubbed them and said to God, "If you love me, you'll bring him back. You'll make him come after me". Now usually when we part I wait and wait and wait to see if he comes back but he never does, and that was before I had turned to God for help. This time time was different. I reached my house and just got in the door when there was a buzz on our intercom. It was my ex-boyfriend who had come back for me. I'm not saying it definately was the work of God, but I'd like to believe he at least had some hand in what happened that night. It's great that you found God the way you have, I too like you had always looked upon God and Christianity with sceptism and in the past I have been known throughout my school and amongst my friends for being a "Satanist".

    Sorry for rambling on about myself. I'm glad that you feel reborn now, and that you're doing better than you were when you had failed college. I hope more people are able to find help through God too. :hug:
  5. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've found something that makes you happy. And even though that might come off as condescending, I really don't mean it that way at all; I genuinely think it's a great thing that you've discovered this relationship with the divine, and that it keeps you going and gives you purpose.

    I've become a much more spiritual person over the last couple years, since I've been depressed. I've become something of a fan of C. S. Lewis- his writings about wonder and the longings of the heart really resonate with me, even though I don't share his Christian faith. I'm still an atheist, but I feel more of a connection to the "beyond" than I do to the physical world, if that makes any sense. There is something higher than what we can see- I just don't believe it's any kind of creative intelligence.

    That said, whenever I've tried to speak or write about my feelings and experiences, I invariably find myself using the terms and imagery of religious and spiritual writers, rather than those of the more science-focused authors I grew up with. I think that, at some level, we're all experiencing the same thing, the same deeper truth; only our cultural and life experiences cause us to express the details of it in different ways, because, ultimately, the true meaning of it is utterly inexpressible. It's taken a long time, but I'm beginning to come to terms with it.

    Much love, and best of luck. :)
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    What a great fucking story! Thanks for sharing it with us.

    You probably don't remember me but I wrote to you while you were down and when I didn't see you on for a while I have been worried.

    Well seems things were working well for you on so many levels and that light has entered your life literally and figuratively.

    My faith has given me what strength I have in facing my depression/pain and so understand what you are saying and feeling...I am so happy for you! :arms:
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    My most favorite words of Jesus are in the Sermon on the Mount. The new testament book of Matthew, chapters five, six, and seven. It's super, duper, advice about daily life.
  8. DanSarg

    DanSarg Member


    I spoke too soon. It's been a week and I'm as miserable as ever. Also, what I felt turned out to be just a placebo effect. I give up. :/
  9. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :hug:..don't give up.....keep praying.....
  11. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I have learned that whether I feel good or bad or somewhere in between, God is always with me.

    Please read the book of 1 John. It only has 5 chapters.
  12. callen202

    callen202 New Member

    Draw closer to God. Pray and meditate continually on his living word. He is an ever prescent help in times of despair and trouble. I have been recommended to several phycologists for my depression but Jesus is my counselor so his living word says that he is a counselor to all who seek him.
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