Four recent poems of mine, I know I've posted two and a half of them before

Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by troon, Oct 10, 2007.

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  1. troon

    troon Member

    I wanna post the four poems I've written recently, to get some feedback and such.

    Poem 1: Hopelessness

    Banging your head against a brick wall
    Not knowing what to do at all
    Being frustrated beyond belief
    Waiting for a fresh breath of relief

    Tired of the way of the world
    Feeling as though you’ve been hurled
    A complete feeling of hopelessness
    Moving in such complete blackness

    Being unable to survive
    Wishing to not be alive
    Drowning in a sea of depression
    Looking for a hopeful bastion

    Wanting to find an escape
    From this melancholy landscape
    Looking for Death's embracing grasp
    To remove me from life's clasp

    Dreading the rising sun today
    Every second brings only dismay
    Seeing no rays of light
    Even in the daylight

    Hopeless at all times
    Wishing to be senseless sometimes
    The tightness in my chest
    Loosening to allow me to rest

    Just wanting to scream
    Hoping it is but a dream
    When will death come
    To make me numb?

    Poem 2: Worthlessness

    An existence of worthlessness
    Never knowing what to do
    Feeling the way blindly through darkness
    The life that I begin to rue

    Always a burden on people I love
    Impossible to do things right
    Constantly failing to end up above
    Walking in an endless night

    Friends asking for help
    Always I try to respond
    Calmly and without a yelp
    Yet deep inside I wish to abscond

    Always the fear of failure
    The unending feeling of ineptitude
    Infinitely feeling in danger
    Trying to avoid a feud

    Eternally a huge disappointment
    Never living up to expectations
    Attempting but failing to elude
    While everything around me worsens

    Falling apart at the seams
    What does this all mean?
    Whenever I try to succeed
    I always end up wearied

    One day perhaps change will come
    Perhaps I will not be as I once was
    An end will come to all things toilsome
    I will succeed and there will be applause

    Poem 3: Hatred

    Despising someone for no reason
    Being unkind for some self-gratification
    Hatred is a destructive force
    That can be more deadly than poison

    Watching abuse without action
    Attacking others with no remorse
    Without any thought of caring
    Hatred is tantamount to treason

    Sometimes enslavement by force
    Other times causing fighting
    That too often is fatal
    Would you endorse?

    Indifference a similar feeling
    But hatred much less neutral
    And indifference allows it to take hold
    Many do horrible things without paying

    Causing things to become awful
    Bringing all things pleasant inside its fold
    Hatred abound is a force deplorable
    That reduces all in its path to rubble

    Hatred will worsen problems tenfold
    It is the thing in the world most evil
    Causing the deaths of millions
    All in its grasp are controlled

    Eliminating hatred is thinking wishful
    But when this force weakens
    Things improve for one and all
    So please treat all others equal

    Poem 4: Hope

    A bright glimmer of hope
    Filling one with rays of light
    There is no time at all to mope
    Success requires you to fight

    Not a single thing is impossible
    Everything is within reach
    Not a single person is unable
    To do what it is they wish

    Living life to the fullest
    Never regret things of the past
    Always keep to things you hold dearest
    If you do the opportunities are vast

    Whether you are in rain or shine
    Always look on the bright side
    Life is like tasting a sweet wine
    You should always have pride

    Nothing ever lasts forever
    There is always room for change
    Sometimes do things for pleasure
    If it helps you it is a good exchange

    Do the best that you possibly can
    Never put down your own work
    Live till the end of your lifespan
    And always appreciate a little perk

    Things will not always be so bad
    Simply just work to improve
    There is no need to ever be sad
    Just find a way to get in your groove
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I like these, especially "hatred" and "hope". I like the ideas that you put forward all of the poems, but I like those two in particular. "Hope" is a really great one to post here too, because it can make people feel better. Its always nice to see poems that have a happier note here.

    On a critique note, one thing I found in common with these poems is that the lines are uneven. I think it takes away from the flow of it a lot. try and shorten some of the longer lines... because when you dont, it can seem like you are just rhyming for the sake of it. Pick a number of syllables try and work with it.

    Other than that though, nice writing. =)

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