Four Weeks to Live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by April16, Mar 25, 2008.

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  1. April16

    April16 Member

    I don't want to commit suicide, but now circumstances have brought me to the point I have no choice.

    My former company had a mass layoff. I was pretty high up at the corporate headquarters, had a great track-record of success, got a nice severance package, money in the bank, low debt...I knew I'd be back in the game soon.

    I'll spare you all the details in between. It's 3 years later, I took two sales jobs (not my field) and ultimately failed at both. Unemployment has run out which really doesn't matter because I'm now $90K in debt, my house experienced foundation damage during a drought 2 years ago so, in today's market, is unsellable at break-even.

    I have gone to endless job fairs, networking events, called everyone I know 3 times....I'm either under-qualified, overqualified, too old (in my early 50's), don't have a high enough degree or there's just nothing at the rate I need to break even on my bills. One company even turned me down because the job I applied for paid $40K less than my last one, and since they were so impressed with me, they were convinced someone would hire me away so they didn't want to take the chance.

    I see a shrink (pill pusher) have been on pretty much everything, but have no self confidence, am very depressed, suffer from panic attacks: I am nothing like I was 3 years ago.

    An old friend of mine offered me a partnership in his new internet business. It has the potential to be unbelievably big. I've been working on it every day and it's coming together....slowly. We go back to the investors in about 7 weeks for 7 figures. I have enough money to last 3 months so it looked like life was turning around.

    Then I received a letter from my Life Insurance Company. My policy was expiring in the middle of April and they included a renewal notice. Problem is, the new policy has a 2 year suicide exemption.

    If things don't work out with the new company or quickly enough, we'll be broke, have nowhere to live, and mentally I'm a mess...I doubt I could flip burgers let alone get a real job. I don't like being around people anymore. I sleep too much or too little.

    I don't care about myself: it's my wife. She is the most wonderful, amazing woman on the planet. She didn't deserve the last 3 years and she doesn't deserve the life we will have after we are broke.

    Right now, I'm worth more dead than alive. She could take care of the bills; she's very close (by phone...we live 1500 miles away) to her family. She could move there, buy a house by her family, keep her dogs (which are her children because she couldn't have children).....a homeless shelter is not going allow us to bring dogs. And it would be hard on her emotionally for a while, but she would get on with her life.

    Do I gamble that the internet business will all come together, we'll get our funding, and everything will be fine.....there's a lot of risk with start-ups.....or do I kill myself before my current life insurance runs out so my wife will be taken care of.

    I don't trust my own judgement anymore on business related things.....or much else. Suicide looks like the safest option. I'm running out of time: I have a hard deadline now. My wife comes first. I'm mentally a wreak. It looks like I have no other option.

    I don't know why I posted this. I guess because I really don't want to die and am hoping for some miracle solution. Or maybe I just needed to see it in writing. Four weeks to live.

    It wasn't supposed to work out this way.
  2. zeppelinrule

    zeppelinrule Member

    Stay alive for your wife. It might sound selfish, but if it's the only thing that will keep you alive, remember : She doesn't deserve it. She's not going to live happily ever after. If she loves you through what you guys have been through, and she's still there for you, it means you're the most important thing in the world to her.

    I'm in no position to be giving advice, and wonder if I even should be, but that's my take on it. I'm really sorry if this advice is shit. But your wife man, she deserves YOU, because she wants you and has shown that nothing will ever change that.
  3. Bellabie

    Bellabie Member

    Truly, friend, you are in quite a dreadful predicament.
    Have hope, though.
    Have heart, though.
    Have help, though.
    I certainly believe that things will improve,
    Also, sincerely, this is not something to die for.
    It is absolutely dreadful, but you are strong.
    I know that you can do it.
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I agree with Zeppelin. Live for your wife. Killing yourself would only hurt her. Eventually these problems will work themselves out. Life is temporary anyway.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sure your wife would rather have you alive than receive the money from a life insurance policy. You have had a string of bad luck to be sure, but you state several time that you don't want to die. Live and continue to try and improve the situation you find yourself in. Have you talked to your wife about things? Give her a chance to help. Most of all, don't give up. You never know when things may change. maybe this internet gamble will pay off. You won't know if you don't stick around to find out. :hug:
  6. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    My uncle felt the same way as you did, years ago. he killed himself so his family could receive his life insurance, because he felt like he couldn't provide for them. What I learned from their situation is that it will only make your family's lives worse. You may feel like you are worth more dead than alive, but the amount of emotional worth you have to your wife is infinitely more valuable than any money she would collect. Take whatever other options you have -- businesses are risky, but there is always the possibility for success. Any chance is worth taking when you are at this point. Life is risk, after all... the alternative is a guarantee, the guarantee that your wife will be thrown into terrible despair if you kill yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2008
  7. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Is it possible that you could talk to a psychologist who doesn't medicate? It sounds like you are in a tough position, but it doesn't seem hopeless. I know this is easy to say when you're not the one in pain, but it seems that the most important thing is that you and your wife have each other. She obviously loves you more than any insurance policy could offer. Money could never replace YOU, and to think she would be better off without you couldn't be further from the truth, from what I have read. She probably would never be the same. Losing a job and hitting rock bottom financially can be scary, but it seems like you are blaming yourself unnecessarily, which is making matters a lot worse. Why are you to blame for any of this? You have done the best you possibly can, but life unfortunately has thrown a curve ball. If you can only realize that this too shall pass, you might be able to see the situation differently. So much is how we perceive something, not how it truly is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2008
  8. April16

    April16 Member

    You're probably right....I've talked to her about it. I just don't know where to turn, who to talk to, how to survive. The internet thing got pushed back a software coming out. If I freeze my credit cards and cut a deal on repayment, it will trash my credit rating until long after I die of old age. These credit councilling places just want money...or the equity in your house to pay off the bills. I'm messed up...I don't think I could work a full day doing anything without losing it. There are probably programs out there....Texas is one of worst in the nation, but I don't even know who to talk to about those. Social Security Disability? From what I here it takes forever, you need a lawyer, and do I really want to be declared mentally incompetent? I just don't know where to turn. So if suicide is out, what do I do? I just don't know.
  9. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    You need to stay quiet and let god (or your higher self) help you. You need to give yourself a break. That's the first order of the day. It seems to me that you are taking responsibility not only for your own mistakes, but for the things that you have no control over. Do you think you are being fair to yourself?
  10. April16

    April16 Member

    That's one of my problems my whole life: I've always held myself to a higher standard than was possible to achieve. It made me look very successful to others, but I always felt I could have done more.

    In the past, I've been able to keep that under control but with no job, no self-esteem left, 3 years of being a loser....I say I'm doing this for my wife so she'll get the insurance and that's the main part of it.

    I get no pleasure out of life any more so that argument doesn't work.

    But truth be told, the thought of defaulting on my debt and taking some job at 7-Eleven....I can't do it. I'm killing myself as much for me as I am to give my wife a fighting chance at a decent life. I have a deadline until my life insurance expires so unless I hit the lottery in the next couple of weeks, it's a bullet to the head.

    The New Testament says God doesn't do miracles anymore....not until the 2nd coming. And I'm not going to ask him to make an exception for me. It's the lottery or a bullet....I can't gamble I'll last another 2 years when the suicide clause runs out on a new policy. And then my wife would get nothing.
  11. April16

    April16 Member

    Your advice isn't's what's kept me from killing myself before. But she doesn't deserve the kind of life she's going to have with me going forward. It will be hard on her, especially at first, and she'll probably hate me. But she'll have a chance. With me, she's going to end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge. I'm damaged goods now. I'm no use to anyone.
  12. April16

    April16 Member

    Thanks, but I used to be strong. I'm not anymore. And I have that deadline. I have to make a decision, I can't rationalise it any longer. So unless I hit the lottery, it's a bullet to the head before the insurance expires. No option. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts though.
  13. April16

    April16 Member

    Life IS temporary. Mine ends this month, that's all.
  14. April16

    April16 Member

    We've talked. She understands the situation...she pays the bills in our house. She wishes things were the way they were before, but their not and I can't gamble they will suddenly improve. She's upset, but I think already planning for what she'll do afterwards. Life just doesn't go the way you want it to or thought it was going to sometimes. Maybe God has plans for her that don't include me. He wouldn't let this happen if it wasn't apart of HIS plan. And who am I to argue with him?
  15. April16

    April16 Member

    I know it will be tough for her at first. She deserves a better life than I'm able to give her anymore. I'm damaged goods and even if I hit the lottery, I'll never be the same person I was 4 years ago. I'll stick around if I hit the lottery in the next few weeks, but only to spare her the pain of my suicide. I get no pleasure out of life anymore and have been praying for death for quite some time. But this time, it looks like I have to take matters into my own hands.
  16. April16

    April16 Member

    True, and without the insurance deadline, I'd probably drag on a while longer. But I don't have a choice now. It's pick the best of two bad options. At least with the money, SHE'LL have a chance at a life.
  17. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I have just a few things to add:

    It's not gonna be tough for your wife at first, it will devastate her, and it will be forever. She will be left asking herself why she didn't know what you were planning and why she couldn't help you. She loves you. Not the house, the money, or your material goods. You. If you are so sure she'd be okay with your decision why do you hide it from her? Is it because you think she would try and talk you out of it? My bet is that she would be so sad, maybe frightened, that you are so low and that she'd do anything to help you feel better.

    Sounds to me like depression has a grip on you and has tricked you into believing that you have no options other than suicide (I'm ignoring the lottery choice here). If you are suffering from depression you need to know that many of the things you believe to be true are not... your thinking is distorted by the illness.

    You are a smart, educated and talented person, but depression has distorted your thinking to the point that you are without hope and it's time for an all or nothing decision.

    Please take some time to educate yourself about depression. If you accept that you are depressed, know that it *can* be treated and you can recover. And once you recover, you will be strong enough to take on a new job search, begin consulting, start a new career, or something else entirely.

    Finally, because you are smart it can be tempting to try and "think" your way out of depression... you go over the problems you want to solve over and over again in your mind. You come up with elegant responses to what people have posted here. But treating depression requires *action* and it can be so hard to do it without professional support.

    Please reach out for some help. Do not be embarassed to ask for help, many people have struggled with depression and recovered.

  18. April16

    April16 Member

    Hi Catherine. You're right, but it doesn't matter. I've tried every antidepressant on the market. I just switched back to Prozac from Effexor XL, which I used before but then stopped working. The Prozac is working again. I'm not as lethargic but I'm tired of having nothing NOT to be depressed about, I'm tired of being unwanted (except by my wife), I'm tired of 2nd guessing myself all the time, never sure if a decision is rational. I passed up two good opportunities and tried two bad ones because my judgement is compromised.

    I'm tired of being unemployed, or on rare occasions, underemployed. I'm tired of having no self respect, no self confidence, of going through the motions of living every day to no purpose. I'm tired of watching things get worse than better. I'm tired of watching the economy and America slide down the toilet. I have no passions anymore. The only career position I was really interested in (and they admitted I was the best qualified) I didn't get because I never finished college and that was a deal-breaker. I have over 1500 books in my library: I haven't read a book for pleasure in 3 years. I'm tired of existing instead of living. I'm tired of looking at job listings and automatically dismissing them, saying "I can't do that anymore". I'm tired of putting up a brave front to the world.

    I'm tired of going from debt free to almost $100,000 in credit card debt I'll never be able to pay off. I'm tired of watching my wife cringe as she opens the bills. I'm tired of existing day after day with nothing to look forward to but a homeless shelter. Nothing interests me anymore, and when I do get passionate about something, it ends up going nowhere.

    Sure, there are other ways out....I could cancel my credit cards and pay them $50 a month. I can take some mindless job for $30-$40K. President Bush, who I voted for twice proving my insanity, made sure one of the first policy changes he enacted was to make it practically impossible to go Chapter 7 Bankruptcy anymore. And even if I could, the thought of stiffing my creditors makes me sick: I took their money and they deserve it back. And so my wife and I could just exist until we're on Medicare eating cat food. She deserves so much better than that. She may not find it, but she at least deserves a fighting chance.

    I used to have a credit rating over 800. Now I'll be lucky to have a 400. The lock comes off my 4.5% mortgage next year. My mortgage will go up $500 a month to start. Maybe I can work overtime at my mindless job or get a second mindless job to keep the house: because with my new credit rating and the sub-prime mortgage crunch, I'll never get another mortgage.

    Lets say I live another 20 or 30 years. To what end? To what point? Why waste the oxygen? The same drugs that keep me from constant panic attacks and screaming insanity have ruined my memory. I'm not competent to handle a 6 figure position anymore. If there was any money in robbing a bank, I could try that, but the average take is less than $5K so it wouldn't solve my financial problems. Jail would give me food and shelter, but I'm not a criminal and spending the rest of my life in jail would be no better, or worse than suicide. Worse, actually, because my wife wouldn't get the insurance and would have to live with the stigma of being married to (or divorced from) a felon.

    There is no help. (short of the lottery, of course). My shrink just keeps changing medications every couple of months, tells me to get a job and go back to the gym. I'm 50. My best days are past me. What's the point?

    Maybe this insurance deadline is God's gift to me. It forces me to action instead of being a rudderless ship tossed by the wind. I'm just tired of the futility of it all. I want to go to sleep and never get up. A bullet to the head should accomplish that just fine.

    I'm not saying it will be easy: humans are hardwired for self-preservation, even unbalanced ones. But I can do it. I won't think about it, I'll just go out to the garage, put a garbage bag over my head so my wife doesn't have to see the end result, put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. And it's over.
    Hopefully. I'm a Christian, and while I hope Christ will forgive me: He said all my sins, past and present are forgiven, who knows what's on the other side?
    The Bible does not say "thou shalt not kill". The actual translation is "thou shalt not murder". It's a fine distinction, but I'm not murdering myself, I'm killing myself.

    Sorry for rambling. I think I keep coming back to this forum, often repeating my reasoning to different posters, to help me come to grips with what I must do. To drive home the fact that it's for real, not just a fantasy because I'm burned out. To help me prepare for the path I seem to being led.
    To accept that this time, I have no choice and I will die this month by my own hand.

    Thanks for your suggestions and you are correct: depression is treatable in many cases. But I've run out of time and options. And energy.
  19. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest

    is there any way or anyone who can help you to pay/renew your insurance so that you can buy yourself more time?
  20. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    It’s very refreshing to see someone like you post here. Someone who approaches suicide with intelligent, logic and cold hard calculation. Your circumstance is bleak to put it lightly and I can see why you feel the way you do. I understand it even better because I'm in a very similar predicament.

    I've never posted on this forum about my problem. But I want to tell you a little bit because not only do I feel the same way you do but I understand totally understand your situation. Why I want to kill myself is not important, all that is important is that I have thought it out for years and it’s the most logical solution.

    I have a good job so I took out a huge life insurance policy for my family. The problem is the 2 year suicide clause. I feel the same urge to kill myself you do, maybe even worse. I sit with my gun in my hand fully loaded on a regular basis pull the trigger half way and hope one day I will slip. So I got it pretty bad. But I try my damnedest to stay alive for these two years. It means complete financial freedom for my family.

    On your first post you said you don’t want to kill really yourself but you will do it for your wife because you can leave her with a huge life insurance policy. But ask yourself this is that the most logical solution? I'm not even going to argue if it is justifiable to commit suicide in your situation, because I’m in it and the answer is yes.

    But just because you can justify it does not mean it is the best solution. First let’s take into account what everyone has already mentioned, your wife. Money is great but can you ever leave her enough money to make up for the pain you will cause her. Now in my case I WANT to die, so the money I leave my family is an aftereffect of my death. Meaning I’m not killing myself to leave them money. I’m killing myself for me and the money I leave them if just a side effect of my death.

    In your case you said you want to kill yourself for your wife. But it will not benefit her the most. She will benefit more from you staying alive.

    Next, let’s take a look at your internet business. From your own words you say that there’s a chance it may work. Don’t you think that’s a chance worth taking? If it works then you will have a second chance at life! You may get back to your normal self, be out of debt, and be happy. And these are all very realistic possibilities. In your situation there’s hope. And I’m not talking about false hope; I’m talking about REALISTIC hope.

    When I say I understand you completely I mean it, right down to the “the only hope for me is to win the lottery” because I think the exact same thing! I understand not getting enjoyment out of anything in life anymore. I’m also an avid reader but haven’t touched a book in a while. But there may be a real chance you can pull through. Give yourself that chance.
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