Four's Conflict

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Four, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. Four

    Four New Member

    I have tried to take my life, around a year ago, but it failed due to my negligence...

    Since that day, I have earnestly tried to find meaning and value in life, cherishing life for what so many other people would only dream of attaining within a world that I myself find to be bleak and uninspiring...

    I tried reasoning with myself, that a foreigner from another country could achieve a job of the lowest calibur, and yet still be more content than a person of a higher social class who makes so much more, yet works so much less.
    It is in that... That I tried to tell myself that this was what my society, America, had become: That Americans had developed this type of mentality due to constant government mothering, and yet...
    I found no desire to conform to life within society as a whole...

    I've even tried vouching for the value of life, as a little girl with cancer affecting the regions of her brain showed only the brightest and most charming idealogy of life, despite the fact that she herself was destined to die before she could truly enjoy the life that she so profusely dared to define as desireable and well.
    And again, I could not force myself to enjoy life as she did...
    Life simply has no splendor for me, struggle as I may to find it...

    I cannot find the reasons why I exist, and I cannot find the reasons why I should die either.
    I've questioned myself about the perceptions of reality, and it is within this that I find the most confusion about my standpoint.

    You see, people will always say that death, if dealt the final blow by one's own hand, is ultimately unsatisfying due to an innumerate amount of explainations and circumstances...
    But as a result of my near death experience, that logic seems to fall short of anything I would originally have come to believe.
    Death, in that case, was as though falling through an ethereal dream, with all pain and suffering fading away while the dream ultimately became the new reality for me.

    It did not help that when I woke up, a mountain of pain awaited me.

    It is my desire to not conform the the uniformal standard initiated by the men of the past that is still enforced by the men of the present that leads me to want to escape back to that beautiful world where I couldn't seperate my existence from the boundary of the reality within the world itself.

    I have thought of how my future ultimately might turn out, and how my death may affect my family, but I can no longer feel anything for those who claim to love me.

    There is no reason why, I'd think for now, as I simply cannot.
    I don't feel pleasure in speaking with friends anymore.
    I have no desire to eat food, as it tastes like dirt now.
    I have no desire to see the world anymore, and I would wish for nothing more to be blind, if not blind and deaf.

    My father once asked me what would I like to do once I exited highschool.
    He asked for my interests outside highschool.
    He asked if there were any people of whom I could open myself up to...
    I simply stared him into the eye until he moved on to the next question.
    It hurt too much for me to tell him that everyday, after school, for the past 4 years, I simply locked myself up into my room to be away from all contact.
    I have even begun to huddle into a small corner in my room during bedtime.
    My bed feels disgustingly soft.

    It was only until recently that my father began to see the darkness of the void from despair welling up within me.
    As a result, I am to go back to Therapy soon, though I have no desire to do so.

    I have noticed my mentality is regressing, though I won't make an attempt to stop it...
    I'm almost childlike... regressing into a vegetative state, yet I've no mind to halt its infectious progession...

    I can't say I've given up hope either...
    The hope is not for me to live anymore, but to pursue a death or serious affliction of pain that honestly dampens my perception of the world as a whole.

    My natural instincts to live and connect with the people of the Earth lead me to write such a plea for help...

    If sooner than not, I'm about to literally smash my eyes in with my bare thumbs...
    My growing desire to inflict self harm is beginning to turn my self-defensive mechanism of pain into a motivation to heavily inflict damage upon myself.

    I no longer want attention, yet I don't want desolation...
    I'm so confused upon the concepts of these matters that I feel as though ending my existence is the only escape for me.

    Not dying, but simply fading into nothingness is a most gorgeous concept of which I find no equal...
    And yet, is this truly the best path to choose?

    Please, someone answer me of this...
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 29, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are very talented your words show intelligence You sound so much like myself isolated myself in my room never had friends just didn't belong anywhere.

    You need to talk to a therapist someone who can help you out of this depression you are in. Maybe get on medication as well. There is life out there things to see people to meet but you have to get out and find them

    Isolating oneself will only cause more suffering more pain Only you can break this cycle by forcing yourself to get out and be with people. Join an activity that brings you enjoyment art music a class of interest but do something to change your environment

    Get some help now okay stop you pain and sadness get professional help and start healing today..
  3. Four

    Four New Member

    The only thing I would like to see is my own perception of reality...

    Please, forgive me.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    And what if that perception changed? would you want to see it then??? big hugs, J
  5. Legna

    Legna Member

    You sound alot like me from a few years back, but no doubt different in your own individual ways, I grew tired of the world, life, reality, I saw too many sick things in the world to want to live or enjoy anything,
    I had to do alot of sould searching and think of things I wanted to do with my life to make me feel whole, or important, or even alive at all.
    I also tried to notice little things that alot of people understandably overlook.
    people holding the door open for me at the store, flowers, squirls playing with each other... the sky... silly shapes in the coulds... me doing this did not help at first I was looking at things in a very practical way, "so what? it doesn't mean anything" but anything can mean something if you let it, maybe the clouds make those weird random shapes just so we can pick them out when we're bored? reality, changes from one person to the next, there is no set meaning to life, or reality, we in a way make our own, the only thing I consider irreversible is death, as long as your alive you have infiniye possiblities in front of you, you are important, everyone is important in their own way, happiness is within anyone's grasp, but you just have to look in the right place, and that place changes from person to person, dream big and make that dream a reality. :cow: << and there's still milk right?
    milk is amazing... and wet... and white... and look at that adorable little cow... :reub: or the cute little ...err green thing? :donut: doughnut?
    OOOO :cow::donut: cow doughnut.
    and as a final note, you seem very smart, most people's minds seem to be trapped in a narrow hallway or corridor yours seems to be right in the middle of an open feild, your mind wandering in every direction... you would be a wonderful story writer, or maybe poems.
    you seem like a very cool person
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Your thread is very insightful.. It is obvious you are speaking from the heart..As a fellow isolationist all I can say is get a good therapist who can help you to get back out there into society.. Myself I have failed.. I have isolated myself for the last eighteen years.. I only come out of my room for necessities and doctor appointments..My therapist has gotten me to the point if I get out earlyI can drive myself again and go to the store before it fills up with people..Then it's straight back to my room..I don't wish this on anyone.. Please get the help now while you are still young..
  7. Four

    Four New Member

    Thank you everyone.
    Thank you for listening to my plea, and for responding so generously.

    I suppose if my perception on life changed, then perhaps I could truly find happiness within the span of my life.

    It saddens me to see that I'm desperately searching for a method to either bring great harm or death to my body, and yet, I feel as though this is the only alternative to living in a world that I want no part of.

    Perhaps if more people were like you all, then people like me would not exist in the terms that we seek death as the absolution for unwantingness.

    But as it is now, I simply cannot conform to the standard that life is good in its present state.
    I'm not even sure if the goodness of life could alter my position on these matters, and yet I converse with you all with interest.

    Please, continue to speak with me.
    Tomorrow shall be a day of the utmost challenge, for a multitude of reasonings.
  8. Legna

    Legna Member

    No problem four! ^^
    Make sure you stay strong you hear? :cow: << cow
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