Fourth attempt last night

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lizzyqwerty, May 6, 2013.

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  1. lizzyqwerty

    lizzyqwerty Active Member

    Well, I don't really know if it was an attempt or not. I don't know if i wanted to die or if i wanted to just sleep....I was too scared to take a lot of stuff but i did take stuff which gave horrible effects and i was so sick especially during the first half of a nine hour work day today.

    I just like, no one understands the feelings that I feel going through it. I can't really explain. It happened after work (after an eleven hour day). I work at a nursing home and the last 5 hours of the day I was pretty much entirly doing 1-1. My 1-1 finally had decided that he/she wanted to go to bed around 9:30pm that night and I was pressing the CNA to put he/she to bed so I could go home. During that time several other people told me they needed this/that so I let the CNA know that as well which was when he went off on me, but it wasn't like going off on ME, it was just him being frustrated in general and tired, you know? The last like half hour of both of our work days sorta thing and he was exhausted. I've never witnessed this from him and he normally jokes with me so I thought he was joking at first so I was there smiling/laughing along until I realized he wasn't joking then I felt terrible, I started blaming myself in my mind, I was so ashamed. I said I was sorry and went to my office and started crying but i stopped, cleaned my face up, clocked out and left and cried so bad the way home, self-harmed in the car and a lot more when I got home, etc. Then eventually was so upset that I took stuff (suicide attempt???) that eventually made me fall asleep. I just wanted to calm down.

    It was that moment I felt totally worthless and everything which is what made me want to take things and eventually did. Like I can't really explain my thought process but its so painful and it makes me feel so alone. I KNOW even in those moments that what I am thinking and totally believe then is not true but just my mind overreacting but it feels so real and true to me then, even though I am trying to remind myself that I am just overreacting my mind wont quit telling me how worthless I am, stupid, alone I am, etc. How much people wouldn't care if I would die, how much the worker at work wished I would die, how much my family wouldn't care if I would die.... glimpses in there I remembered that my nephew didn't deserve it (which is the main reason i didnt take tons of stuff) especially since his birthday was yesterday, too. My nephew is pretty much my little brother and has lived with me his whole life.

    I fell asleep after taking stuff, not caring if I even woke up in the morning. I woke up, though. I just feel.... empty. Totally empty. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I want a hug.... I want someone to hug me, while I am writing all of this and thinking about how alone I feel, I want to feel loved... but I don't feel any of that.

    I am so ashamed too, I don't want to tell my therapist. I told her I promised I would never try again (my last attempt before yesterday was in September) I promsied MYSELF that too, but I failed. I'm a failure. So much of me wishes two things.... that if any one whatsoever thinks negatively of me which I sure people do, tell me all of it straight up. I want everyone to tell me how much I fail at things, how much I am not worth, etc. But, another side of me really just wants someone to hold me and hug me, WHILE people tell me how stupid, worthless, ugly, etc. I am....

    I don't make sense.
    So much of me wants to not be here.... my main goal, is I just want to be happy again.... is that too much to ask?
    I should stop though, I am sitting here in tears crying so hard I can't breathe....
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Firstly, I want to say that I am glad that you are still here sweetie. I know how intense the care setting can be, as I am an RN myself and 1-1's can be really draining and stressful. We all have days where we just feel like we are useless and have really bad days. I have had a rough few days at work myself, and I just feel, like I am a crap nurse. But that feeling will pass. And it will for you too. I think when we are also feeling depressed, we can sometimes take things to heart too much and it makes us more sensitive and vulnerable. I think you should tell your therapist what happened, because then you have something to work with. You shouldn't feel ashamed at all :hug:
     
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