Freaked out and is this a form of self harm or what?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by lelantgirl, Oct 3, 2012.

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  1. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I am not sure which sub group this fits on here, but think its probably best under self harm, and normally the forum I write in anyway.
    I am sure alot of you know from previous posts am suicidal, harming and grieving.
    I have had very trciky and abusive past and alot in my head to deal with.
    Since I watched and nursed and helped mum through her cancer until she drew her last breath I have had overwhelming self hatred and feel to blame for her death.
    I am tormented by grief, losing her and all the other things from my past.
    I have people attacking me, not physically but being spiteful and everything has reached a head.

    I have a very close male friend of about 12 years and we share everything. he has said he will help me in anyway he can.
    I dont know WHY, because been subjected to violence from my fiance in past, but I seem to want for my friend to hurt me.
    I think I must be going mad?!
    Is this some kind of self harm in differing form? I am so hating right now of myself, although I am hurting enough I suppose I feel that I deserve to be hurt and get my badness away, for my past, making mum ill, her dying etc etc.................

    I tell myself I deserve for him to hurt my physically, but I dont know why?
    He is very gentle and loving and kind, like I am as a dont wish to ask him to do this incase he gets upset............but the impulse is getting worse.
    I know its not me self harming myself, but in same line.
    Also today its gone a step forward, in that I want to kill him and then that upsets me. Obviously I wouldn't ever do that, but its all got too much for me to cope with and wished to share it with you all.

    Do you know what I can do?
    He says he will help me get through it anyway he can, but would that be acceptable to ask him to hurt me? And why do I wish to kill someone who loves me and I love them as a top it all I just want him to hurt me and shower me with cuddles at the same time, and this is SO CONFUSING.

    Can anyone help me out here?
    Hope I have posted in right sub-group.
    Thankyou. I feel so desperate and freaked out by it all.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are more comfortable in something you know that is abuse you are afraid of having someone to care for you It is not normal for YOU to have such a kind person in your life

    It would not be ok to ask such a gentle soul to harm anyone and if you are feeling anger you are directing it at the wrong person My suggestion is to go get some therapy to undue the harm done by to you from your ex and to get therapy to help you grieve for loss of your mother Postive things hun to help you heal
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Lelant, hi..... I reckon TE is spot on ..... & your emotions are affecting your feelings, and you're thinking that your feelings are reality -.......and then that gives you a faulty perception of yourself. No wonder you're confused, but there is hope that this can be mended and healed. We don't need to labour under a wrong self-image and identity.... you can get to a place where, looking back you can acknowledge the bad that happened, and begin to integrate it in a positive way.

    If this sounds too good to be true, the secret is that we can do it, when we start and commit to telling ourself what is true, and not what our feelings are saying. For instance: I did not cause mum's cancer, therefore I am not to blame. I have a friend who loves me and this is a real positive in my life and I will nurture and love this positive. I have the power to stop wanting to self-harm like this. It is possible for me to change...... etc. etc.

    Because these things are true, dwelling on them as much as you can will help clear the head. There may be a fight between the positive thoughts and negative ones, but if there is, still try to be positive and say that the positive is going to win over the negative.

    It's how we become strong hun, and how things will begin to change for us. The universal law is that when we think good and on what is true, we start to feel better... and it's a growing thing. We start off small and look after it, nurture it, until it grows up:)

    If you want any more pointers about this, PM me any time:)
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