I am not sure which sub group this fits on here, but think its probably best under self harm, and normally the forum I write in anyway. I am sure alot of you know from previous posts am suicidal, harming and grieving. I have had very trciky and abusive past and alot in my head to deal with. Since I watched and nursed and helped mum through her cancer until she drew her last breath I have had overwhelming self hatred and feel to blame for her death. I am tormented by grief, losing her and all the other things from my past. I have people attacking me, not physically but being spiteful and everything has reached a head. I have a very close male friend of about 12 years and we share everything. he has said he will help me in anyway he can. I dont know WHY, because been subjected to violence from my fiance in past, but I seem to want for my friend to hurt me. I think I must be going mad?! Is this some kind of self harm in differing form? I am so hating right now of myself, although I am hurting enough I suppose I feel that I deserve to be hurt and get my badness away, for my past, making mum ill, her dying etc etc................. I tell myself I deserve for him to hurt my physically, but I dont know why? He is very gentle and loving and kind, like I am as a person..........so dont wish to ask him to do this incase he gets upset............but the impulse is getting worse. I know its not me self harming myself, but in same line. Also today its gone a step forward, in that I want to kill him and then that upsets me. Obviously I wouldn't ever do that, but its all got too much for me to cope with and wished to share it with you all. Do you know what I can do? He says he will help me get through it anyway he can, but would that be acceptable to ask him to hurt me? And why do I wish to kill someone who loves me and I love them as a friend........................to top it all I just want him to hurt me and shower me with cuddles at the same time, and this is SO CONFUSING. Can anyone help me out here? Hope I have posted in right sub-group. Thankyou. I feel so desperate and freaked out by it all.