Freaking Out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BornFree, Mar 12, 2014.

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  1. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Its been one of those nights, H in a rage, DS devastated at the violence and now I have discovered H has saved my passwords through an Add on? Last Pass and Remember Pass and when he was flicking through it I saw my username Ditsy come up... Oh God, I feel so terrified, betrayed and angry and I am so scared right now. Its like being raped all over again. I just want to take my kids and run... DS has started cutting again. More than ever I want out. Sorry just had to tell someone. I hate this, and right now I hate him too.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I wish that there was something I could do to take away all the pain that you go through....
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    can you get your user name changed Ditsy so hsb cannot find you hugs
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Sending you lots of love and hugs. :hug: If there's anything I can do, please contact me!
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ditsy, I am really glad you posted this. And I'm so sorry that he is doing this. I wish you could get safe. Suffice to say, I have asked my brother who is on the other side, and others there to send help for you and the kids. Maybe that can happen. Like what wildcherry said, please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do. :pinkheart:
  6. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much MisterB, Total Eclipse, Wild Cherry and Flowers. Your care means the world to me, I landed up just taking pain killers and going to bed last night.
    I am so torn I want to ask my DS to help me lock or hide my stuff on my laptop but this is the business laptop so H has to come on this one sometimes and help me sort stuff out for the business.
    I'm so scared he finds out and ends up raging even more and takes it out on DS I get so scared when the fights break out and he is in a rage, he ripped my DS headphones out his ears and broke them and even though I tried getting him to see and understand what those headphones mean to my DS he kept raging at him saying it was his own fault that if he /DS had listened he would not have "had" to do that...!
    Then I am running around sneaking plasters and helping DS clean up the blood from where he cut himself again.
    I hate what he stands for the "policies" and then he has this Jeckyl & Hyde showing the world one side of him all "2nice" and "upstanding" citizen and then this monster who cares about no one else and thinks everyone deserves to be punished if we step a foot wrong. I know I run the risk of him seeing this now and am playing with fire, part of me thinks how much more can he do to me, I am already dead inside.
    Yesterday he made this "joke" as he called it that "all I need to do now is to decide to get well and not be sick anymore" I take almost 34tablets a day all prescribed and am under how many different Drs for all my various official diagnoses and I just need to "decide" to get well?!! Surely they (health professionals) would not just "humour" me and waste money by giving me all this medication if they didn't think I need it?
    I must be such a pathetic individual to not know what to believe anymore and to let him shake me like this to my very core.
  7. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    There must be some support for you away from him.

    Is there family to shelter you perhaps.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Ditsy, there is no way to avoid it shaking you to your core. This is what happens when someone who we live with does this. When it is repeated often enough the words take effect in the deepest way. It is the most heinous form of abuse. Because they are able to rewire the thinking process to what they want. It is so sick. So weak. So very horrible. But I want to let you know that there is no way that you can think yourself well. This is a lie. Your thoughts cannot make this condition go away or heal. This is NOT your fault !!!!!!!!!!!! :hug:

    You are light. I know that for sure. You are good. I know that for sure. I just wish with all my heart that you and the kids could get safe. I know that this is all you want, as well. I know what a good person and loving devoted mom you are. Oh how I know that !!!

    I wish someone could come and scoop you all up and get you to safety. Because mental psychological abuse is so destructive. Abusers usuially tell their victum/target that if they try to tell, no one will believe them. Thats how they keep the person from getting help. Sometimes this is true. But often it is not. It is the abusers way of being able to insure then will continue. So very common they say this. My mother said it. to keep me from talking.

    I bet that over the years you may have reached out countless times. I wish someone could just get you safe. I wish it with all my heart. I think it is VERY important and good that you are talking here. I am grateful for that. I am sending requests that someone, anyone get you all safe from him.

    Just want to let you know he is wrong wrong wrong. He is sick with this darkness. A darkness that is so harmful and horriffic, as you know only too well. I am sorry. YOU are loving and light. I feel that all the time. And my feelings are NEVER wrong when I am sure of something. Seriously. He lies. Darkness lies. It is their favorite tool.

    I will try to focus on someone getting you all safe. I know my words dont mean much under the circumstances :hug: :pinkheart: PLEASE KEEP WRITING. okay?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2014
  9. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I agree with flowers. Controlling people can sometimes almost "get in your head". And it is only when you are far away from them that you can understand that you were somehow being bullied into seeing almost everything through their peculiar perspective - and they present that as the normal reality, it is very difficult to see that when you are in the midst of it although your instinct keeps on telling you it is not right.

    I haven't been on this site for ages (prob a year or more) so I don't know your story but you could consider a woman's refuge if you thought that would help you, even just to get some breathing space. Trust your own instinct, deep down you will know what is best for you.
  10. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mark B - I so wish, my family are in another country and my 1 true friend lives the other end of the country and has just started a new relationship. I am disabled and so am very dependent on him unfortunately I just could not manage with my 2 children & their issues on my own. Thank you Mark B, Flowers and chj :grouphug:
    I feel like such a cow now maybe I have been too harsh? Everyone thinks he is such a nice guy so I haven't said anything not even my friend who also thinks he is amazing. Which he must be I guess to put up with me. He does so much, and I worry that I am tarring him with the same brush as my father. My father was a monster, truly evil and so I know my H isn't as bad as that... and I just could not do the business without him.
    He doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour. Now he has skype too so messages me while he is at work too. He has remote access to all the comps so I am constantly on edge wondering when he is just going to log and what he will see...? I use the private window but have no idea what he will or can see... Maybe its all in my head I just don't know what to do or say anymore.
    I have found free councilling for my DS so he has agreed to go to that so maybe they will shed more light on whats causing his self harm and then I'm hoping to get a better understanding exactly as to how severe things are really. chj you are right it is like he is in my head, and then I have my father in my head too.
    Flowers you are right, I have tried to reach out many times particularly when I was alone at home with my father and I know from then my own sister said it was my fault my father was an alchoholic if I was the only one at home with him. There was loads of other things he was doing too and my father told me quite honestly he would kill me if I told so when the guidance teacher questioned me I lied and said he was wrong. It seems my life is destined to have issues. Even the pdoc after my last attempt went out of his way to remind me that talking is not going to change my circumstances. It really seems like there is no other way.
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sweetie, everyone thinks my mother walks on water. But they never were allowed to see what she did or said when no one else was around. Thats the confusion ( to put it mindly) with this sort of abuser who can be so charming and giving to others. And then there is the confusion that sometimes they are not all that bad. So I,.for one, always quetioned if it was me. Surely my mother wanted just that. She wanted me to know it was me. She had her friends and therapist to fortify her thinking. And yes, she was charming and smart enough to know how to get her therapist to be one of her ardent admireres.

    YOU are not too harsh. Not at all. And while he is a nice guy in public, he is anything but a nice guy to you. Thats for sure. Proof? Nice guys do not covertly spy on their wife's pc activity. Thats is the sign of a true control freak, manipulator and abuser. You are not alone in that there are way too many men out there who do what he does. They act like the best person in public. But in private they are quite the opposite. They control their girlfriend or wife. they blame her for things. Try to isolate or spy on her. They work over the days months and years to errode her self esteem. While all the while telling her it is her fault and her imagination. And if she was stronger or _______________ ( fill in the blank) he would not be forced to do what he does. They systematically break down the woman's confidence,self esteem and ... well sense of reality as it really is.

    I am very sorry your sister did not believe you. But with the way you describe your dad, no wonder she doesnt. She came from a very dysfunctional family where she was likely taught denial. I am deeply sorry for that. I am deeply sorry she did not believe you. So many people did not believe me when I was young. I know how it causes people to just stop trying to talk. I remember my mother one day warning me " you can tell anyone you want. But no one will believe you". So I do understand.

    I do believe that if you call a womens helpline and talk, they would believe you. I understand that you have circumstances which make it not possible to scoop up the kids and just get away. I know that. Still, I know that there are sadly too many men who seem like heros and good guys to the outside world. And yet they are the opposite at home. I believe that many people at womens helplines understand this.

    Free counseling for DS is great. would it help to make sure he knows he has permission to be honest no matter if his dad tells him otherwise? Sighs. I am sorry. I wish I could scoop you all up and get you safe. Sending much love to you and your beautiful good heart. Nothing is your fault sweetie. No matter how much he says or implies it is. And no matter how much you think it may be or is.
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