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Freaking out

#1
Context: I'm here because I think I've just really messed up. | Suicide Forum - Live Chat & Online Support for Suicidal Thoughts & Emotional Distress

My mood is currently going up and down like a yo-yo. One minute I feel like I did nothing wrong, the next I end up in a crying meltdown through guilt. I’m worried I WAS being manipulative and I WAS suicide baiting.

I realized last night that there are many avenues in which this woman doesn’t end up killing herself. I was completely unable to see that last week. I was knee-deep in images and thoughts of her suicide. I don’t even know her but I felt I had to save her. I had a meltdown over the fact I’ve been publicly accused of suicide baiting and messaged them saying please take it down, I was in the middle of a mental health spiral where suicide was everywhere I looked, it is really hurting me to be accused of manipulation for having a PTSD delusion. He didn’t reply, I don’t know, I backed away. Now I’m worried I was being manipulative all over again. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just SHUT UP??

My suicidality went through the roof last night. I was scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t know what to do. It’s happening all over again.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this.
My suicidality went through the roof last night. I was scared. I don’t want to die but I don’t know what to do
It sounds like getting a therapist, a doctor, or both involved would be a good idea, especially if you're at risk for an attempt. I know you've been reluctant to ask for help from your family, but if you can't find care that you can afford on your own, please ask them for help.

I’m worried I WAS being manipulative and I WAS suicide baiting.
You really weren't doing that at all, you were just telling the truth. It's really not worth it to torture yourself about this.

My mood is currently going up and down like a yo-yo. One minute I feel like I did nothing wrong, the next I end up in a crying meltdown through guilt
I wonder if there could be some element to your diagnosis that's still missing. Is this something that happens with PTSD, or could it be something else?
 
#3
Sorry that you're going through this.

It sounds like getting a therapist, a doctor, or both involved would be a good idea, especially if you're at risk for an attempt. I know you've been reluctant to ask for help from your family, but if you can't find care that you can afford on your own, please ask them for help.


You really weren't doing that at all, you were just telling the truth. It's really not worth it to torture yourself about this.


I wonder if there could be some element to your diagnosis that's still missing. Is this something that happens with PTSD, or could it be something else?
Maybe I need to. I don't know. To be honest last year or so I've been really thinking about therapy as soon as I get a job. Unfortunately COVID has made it incredibly difficult to actually get a job; it just came out of the blue and messed up all of my plans. But tomorrow I'll make myself look at therapists nearby even if I don't want to. It might just be a first step to seeing prices, location, etc.

To be completely honest, I feel manipulated by them. I feel that whatever this woman has done-and she has done wrong things-uploading a 120 page document of her flaws is a really horrible way to deal with it. They've been upfront about the fact they just can't retrieve evidence of every other thing she's done, otherwise I suspect the document would be far longer. In all honesty it sounds very stalker-ish to take conversations she's even had in private with friends and put them on show to the world to show how 'bad' she is. I feel it's common sense that this stuff, and being told by strangers online that they hate you, can tip people over the edge. And now I'm the bad guy for telling them of a consequence they don't like to think about?
I feel very manipulated and frankly gaslighted to a degree, but I'm not sure if those feelings match reality. It's very difficult to see so many people say 'this is just what accountability looks like', and to be the one to get up and say 'no actually this is just cruel'.

I felt like I was being mocked and laughed at. They said stuff like 'you're running out of ideas', 'nobody just kills themselves at the drop of a hat', 'she's too happy to kill herself', 'somebody who is suicidal wouldn't do the things she does.' And then next day they're posting things about how Piers Morgan is an awful person for not believing Meghan Markle was suicidal. I think my jaw may have dropped, actually, I couldn't quite believe it.

So I feel manipulated and gaslighted. But I don't know if that's the truth. I am finding it very difficult to believe in myself when a whole load of retweets and likes is telling me I'm wrong.


I have been diagnosed as traumatized, but not diagnosed with PTSD yet. I've tried but it's quite difficult to get a diagnosis when my trauma was that somebody else attempted suicide-add on the fact it was all online, and it's been difficult to get people to realize what's wrong with me. If it's been 7 years and you're still traumatized then frankly I'm not sure what else it could be.

I've also been diagnosed with OCD and social anxiety disorder, which is why I can struggle with making friends in real life and so go online instead. It takes me years to be able to fully relax with someone in real life, and that makes it very difficult to make friends as they get fed up, I think, of me wanting to go off by myself. The OCD has been in my life since I was a child. It gives me horrible images and thoughts, and then I obsess over them and feel like I have to do something to make them go away. On top of that I have a very anxious personality in general and struggle with periods of depression.

Thank you for your comment.
 
#4
tomorrow I'll make myself look at therapists nearby even if I don't want to
That sounds like a good idea. 211 might be able to tell you about some affordable options.
I am finding it very difficult to believe in myself when a whole load of retweets and likes is telling me I'm wrong
The truth isn't determined by likes and retweets. I know it may be hard to ignore, but at most this just reflects the beliefs of a small number of vengeful people.
Thank you for your comment
You're welcome!
 

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