Freaking ridiculous.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Jan 15, 2014.

  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I cannot for a second seem to make myself believe that my husband is really that much of an unsupportive ass, even though the evidence is right there in front of my face. Constantly. After I broke up with my last ex, I had to do something to bring my self-esteem up and keep me busy, so I decided to join the gym, which was open 24 hours a day, so I could go any time I felt like it if I was feeling like shit. And I did just that almost every single day for quite a while. I managed to lose like 15-20 pounds and felt better than ever about what I looked like. During that time period, I met my husband, we got bad on heroin for a while, got clean, and all I felt was this complete and utter emptiness inside that I still wanted to fill with drugs so desperately. Almost a year since I got clean, it still feels like there is a gaping hole in me that I can't seem to fill with anything at all, and I'm still constantly craving drugs. And in the meantime, what I have managed to try to fill that hole with is food. My eating and exercise habits have changed drastically since then. I haven't given a shit about calories or moving from the couch in quite some time now, thus, I gained those 15-20 pounds back. My husband seems to think my weight is completely normal and I look perfectly fine, which I do appreciate, but him saying so doesn't help me feel any better about myself. I'm about 138 and 5'4 right now, and he doesn't seem to understand that for me, that's not normal, and MY opinion about myself is what matters most in this situation. I used to be 120 and I was happy with that. Now, my size 5 jeans don't fit anymore, I have to wear a 6, I am absolutely disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, I feel extremely guilty every time I eat anything whatsoever, and our sex life has completely gone down the toilet. And he constantly complains that we don't have sex as much as we used to, to which I reply "because I hate taking my clothes off and seeing myself naked", and he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just not as interested or attracted to him as I used to be. And no matter what I say, it doesn't matter, that's the conclusion he's sticking with. I've been practically begging him to let me join the gym again for quite a while, and his response is always that we can't afford it. So, finally, I got my mom to buy me a membership as a gift for our one year anniversary which is coming up. And what does he say when I tell him this? "What?? Out of all the things you could've asked her to help with, you ask for that? We're practically broke and you somehow manage to get the luxury of going to the gym when we need money for more important shit. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just fucking psychotic." SERIOUSLY??? This IS extremely important to me. I don't want to feel this way about myself anymore, I don't want to constantly be sitting on the couch doing nothing thinking about getting high, I want my fucking jeans to fit like they used to, and I don't want to be ashamed to take off my clothes to have sex with my husband. Is that really so freaking wrong and ridiculous of me??? Like, fine, I get that you think I don't need it but your opinion of me doesn't make mine just "poof" and go away. Doing this helped me stay busy and sane enough to not go into a suicidal spiral when I broke up with my ex, so obviously it worked, and you want to try to take that away from me? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with that picture? And he seems to disregard the fact that my mom wouldn't just hand me cash to spend on whatever I wanted if I asked her to. She knows I'm a heroin addict, so unless she knows exactly what it's being spent on and approves, she's not going to go for it. So what exactly have I done wrong here?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry to say after reading this my only response is "yes - he is a fricken idiot" and I have no idea how he could be so clueless. If he cannot see that self esteem and self worth are the only chance you have to stay clean or is placing that much priority on those few bucks that would have been gone anyway in a day with nothing to show for instead of having a year of feeling better and an outlet then he is in fact stupid. Sorry to be blunt and harsh about your husband. If he is that fixated on the sex end of things then remind him working out in the day may inspire you to feel more active in the night as well and see if that has any value to him.

    I hope you keep the motivation to use your gym membership and not let this spoil it and your mother is a wise person for choosing such a gift.
     
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Thank you, so much. I appreciate the support. Ever since I met him, I've stopped feeling like my opinions (on anything at all) matter because he always tells me that they're wrong and/or stupid. So it's a nice change to finally hear someone agree with me on something.