I was living with a tiny piece of hope many years. And I finally lost it. I dont hope anymore. Im just waiting the day when I will take my life in my hands. I have ifnally reslised that there is no way out for me, exept ending my life. I have seen that there is no hope that things will ever be better. But, when I was hoping that things will be better, I was thinking that if I lose this hope, things will be better, because I will feel happy and free. But, I have lost my hope, but I am still scared, afraid, I still think what will be if I do this, if I do that, if I say this, If I say that, what should others think. Sometimes I think, I can do what I want now, because I live my last days (or weeks, months, I dont know) and no mather what I will do, soon it will be all over, without consequences. But I cant feel like that. Why I still care for the others, why? I thought that at least my last days here should be embrased by freedom, and full of joy and happines. But I dont feel like I am free. Am I so fucked up, that I cant be happy even If I know the fact that everything is gonna end soon, all problems, all pain, all suffering?