I think I've known for a while it'd come to this. Things have gotten so messed up. I'm homesick, but I'm at home, where I grew up. I long to be at home but I don't even know where that is. I'm heartbroken, but I've never truly loved. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. I'm hoping, but I know the darkness has already arrived. I thought about putting myself in a situation where I'd end up in Prison. I've got 16 months left on my sentence to see out, I wouldn't have to hurt anyone else to get put inside, it'd be an easy way out. That keeps me safe from everything out here. But that doesn't solve anything. I've thought about just losing who I am, walking out into the wilderness and seeing what happens. Running away won't solve my problems. Nothing else has helped so far. I cry everyday in the hope that my tears will flush this demon out of me. I've developed an angry full-body twitch whenever something bad happens. I'm sick of being lied to, I'm tired of people not understanding, I'm done with being a failure. Everything I've ever tried, or done, I've failed at. I got kicked out of school, I can't hold down a relationship, nor a job for more than a few months. I can't control my drinking, or for that matter any other illegal "coping" methods. I had a promising start in football, but I shattered my knee. And now I've got convictions floating over my head truly limiting any future career. I've tried talking, I've tried to just try, and I've run out of options. I'll miss my brother, and it'll destroy him, but he understands. The rest of my family won't care. My parents would be pissed off that they'd have to go through the financial effort of burying me, whether they ever vocally expressed that or not. The worrying thing is, I've got the power to finish this all. Due to family medical reasons, there is *something* (I'll not name to protect others) that is otherwise not normally acquirable. Something that in the quantity I have would be enough to finish me 10 times over. A rare opportunity to end this all, and not have to worry about failing. But not yet. I want use my right to life or death with dignity. I've set a date, in say roughly in a few weeks. I want to put my affairs in order. I want to go for a pint with my brother on christmas day. I want to let my best friend know that I appreciate her. I want my family to know that they could have done more than neglect me. I want to die, but I want to do it on my own terms when I'm at peace. I'm looking forward to not having to spend my days crying. Not having to spend hours trying to just gather the strength to make it out of bed. Not having this sinking feeling in my heart. Not having that lump at the back of my throat. Not daydreaming about death. I could simply be free. I guess really I'm just begging one last time for someone to show me the light, show me that this isn't how it has to be. Because, for me, the book is already closed. The final chapter has already been penned, and it's now just a matter of signing the dotted line and delivering the deed.