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Freedom, at long last

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alsadan, Dec 14, 2014.

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  1. Alsadan

    Alsadan Member

    I think I've known for a while it'd come to this. Things have gotten so messed up.

    I'm homesick, but I'm at home, where I grew up. I long to be at home but I don't even know where that is.
    I'm heartbroken, but I've never truly loved.
    I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep.
    I'm hoping, but I know the darkness has already arrived.

    I thought about putting myself in a situation where I'd end up in Prison. I've got 16 months left on my sentence to see out, I wouldn't have to hurt anyone else to get put inside, it'd be an easy way out. That keeps me safe from everything out here. But that doesn't solve anything.

    I've thought about just losing who I am, walking out into the wilderness and seeing what happens. Running away won't solve my problems.

    Nothing else has helped so far. I cry everyday in the hope that my tears will flush this demon out of me. I've developed an angry full-body twitch whenever something bad happens. I'm sick of being lied to, I'm tired of people not understanding, I'm done with being a failure.

    Everything I've ever tried, or done, I've failed at. I got kicked out of school, I can't hold down a relationship, nor a job for more than a few months. I can't control my drinking, or for that matter any other illegal "coping" methods. I had a promising start in football, but I shattered my knee. And now I've got convictions floating over my head truly limiting any future career.

    I've tried talking, I've tried to just try, and I've run out of options.

    I'll miss my brother, and it'll destroy him, but he understands. The rest of my family won't care. My parents would be pissed off that they'd have to go through the financial effort of burying me, whether they ever vocally expressed that or not.

    The worrying thing is, I've got the power to finish this all. Due to family medical reasons, there is *something* (I'll not name to protect others) that is otherwise not normally acquirable. Something that in the quantity I have would be enough to finish me 10 times over. A rare opportunity to end this all, and not have to worry about failing.

    But not yet. I want use my right to life or death with dignity. I've set a date, in say roughly in a few weeks. I want to put my affairs in order. I want to go for a pint with my brother on christmas day. I want to let my best friend know that I appreciate her. I want my family to know that they could have done more than neglect me. I want to die, but I want to do it on my own terms when I'm at peace.

    I'm looking forward to not having to spend my days crying. Not having to spend hours trying to just gather the strength to make it out of bed. Not having this sinking feeling in my heart. Not having that lump at the back of my throat. Not daydreaming about death. I could simply be free.

    I guess really I'm just begging one last time for someone to show me the light, show me that this isn't how it has to be.
    Because, for me, the book is already closed. The final chapter has already been penned, and it's now just a matter of signing the dotted line and delivering the deed.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I KNOW this probably is not what you want to hear. But somehow you need to quit taking illegal drugs and drinking excessively. They are shadowing the problems you are having and you need to deal with the root of what's wanting you to make you take them. They are also clouding your judgement.

    PLEASE do not do anything that will make you end up in prison. Bad bad idea. Please do not try and commit suicide. My mind was where yours was before, I couldn't even leave the house, it was my comfort zone, please seek help now while you can and believe it or not it's great you have realized you have these problems.

    One at a time you can come come over them. Go to your G.P and ask to be referred to the counsellors, especially the addiction ones. While you can see no way out of this without dying as an outsider I can definitely see hope for you. There IS LIGHT. You can do this, maybe not alone but with help I strongly believe you can. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders,get help as soon as possible and we will always be here for you too.

    Kind regards, Petal.
  3. Alsadan

    Alsadan Member

    I probably should have mentioned, I stopped drinking at the start of November, as with all the other stuff. I realized it wasn't helping, but I miss the numbing effect of it. Now I have to face it every day and I haven't got that escape clause.

    I can't leave the house, which is horrible. I live with some members of my family, and they just continue to make this a living hell. They threw most of my stuff away whilst I went away for a month to try and straighten my head out. I've got a bag full of clothes and that is my fortune. 6 months ago I had 4 employees. Now I've got the arm chair I spend 23 hours a day on, and a bag of clothes. They even joke about how they did it and openly talk about me as if I can't hear them.

    I'm trapped, I've not got any money, I've not got anyone to help me, and I can't stay here any longer because fighting the urge to just end it all is leaving me sat on this chair wasting away. I honestly feel like being in prison or being dead would be a better quality of life than I have right now. And just thinking about that reinforces my desire to do it.

    I know I should take your advice and go to see a GP, but I've had a police officer on my back for the past month telling me I need to do things and I really just can't. I leave my chair for toilet breaks, or to eat. I don't move for anything else. I don't think I could even face what is outside of the front door. I've actually forgotten what my street looks like, I've forgotten how the fresh air feels. I barely even see the entirety of where I live. I see the bathroom, the kitchen and the chair in my room.

    I really don't know what else I can do
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