Hi people. I made an account here a long time ago, didn't get to actually go through with it for several reasons, including the password. I had some trouble after my mother found out that I've been visiting sites about depression and suicide and so goes on. Now that I don't have that problem anymore, I'll be more comfortable with posting. So. Let's just say that I'm new here. My name is Gretchen, although I do go by Greta also. I'll be 19 soon, and I feel like I've still yet to live. In other words, I feel like my life so far has been eaten by a large, overgrowing hole and has turned everything that could be perhaps a pleasant journey into a neverending nightmare. I'm not pittying myself, and I don't want anyone to pitty me. I know it's partly my fault things are the way they are now. But I just can't help but wonder what life would be like if I had been born in a different family, in a different place, in a different everything. I don't think anyone in my family has or will ever get me. Ever since I was little, they'd keep on insisting that I'm a problem child, and that I needed constant supervising in case I did something out of character. I was never rude, agressive, and I never misbehaved. I was highly sensitive, and I had tendency to over analyze everything with my mind, so much, that it seemed like I was lost in thoughts and didn't live in other people's reality. My parents of course, didn't think that was normal in any way, and for as long as I can remember I've been switching therapists. I felt so angry at my parents for not believing for one second that I'm just like every other kid, that I would just stay silent whenever I went to my therapist. Either that, or I would pretend that I was deaf. I drove two of my therapist's mad that way, and as a result, my parents thought I had an even more serious problem. Eventually I changed my attitude, but there was only so much I could tell my therapists. I blame my family for part of what I'm going through now. At 15, my father left the house after beating my mom and me both. It was the first time I went over just to hug my mother, who had never showed me any sign of affection before. It was just the two of us afterwards. Eventually, I started to get severely depressed. It wouldn't help that I found it hard to make friends. Other people at my school just seemed so happy with their lives and so careless about everything. They obsessed over insignificant things and appeared shallow to me. Maybe I was overreacting, but I couldn't become friends with people who had it it all good. Ok, maybe some didn't, but I just felt like I didn't belong, you know? So I preferred to keep to myself most of the time. The cherry on the top was when my mother started dating a guy I didn't like at all from the first time. He would come to our house every single day, and I hated that, I hated seeing him around the whole time. He would come home drunk and have sudden anger outbursts, and would even smash things on the floor. My mother, however, still seemed to love him, and didn't seem to acknowledge the fact that he called me names when they found out I had been cutting. I was forced to do more therapy from the and on, and my mother just declared to me that she wishes she had had a child who was normal and didn't need so much looking after. At 17, I decided I couldn't take all the crap at home anymore, so I just, left. I passed at a university out of town and I went to live alone, to start over, to hopefully start living for once. Much to my regret, things haven't been the way I had hoped for them to be. I feel lonely, I feel unwanted, I feel alone. Really alone, and I don't want to be alone. I have made some friends, but they don't have time for me and my problems. I think about dying constantly, I'm not afraid of death, I think it will be an adventure. It couldn't be worse than life itself. I've told one of my friends about that, and well, he just laughed. He thought I was joking. Oh well. If you made it so far and read the whole thing, I applaud you. I do tend to make long posts, and since I have nowhere to write about this, you'll have to keep up with me writing long posts every once in a while. Thanks for reading.