Freshman Cutting, and I can't stop

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Dashigara12, Jan 5, 2011.

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  1. Dashigara12

    Dashigara12 Member

    (Could be Triggering)


    I'm a freshman in highschool, and for months I've been cutting. I've been trying to stop since October 30th. But it's been getting worse and I'm scared. Things involving it haven't been getting better. Someone at school saw and told the crisis counselor and they told my mom. I don't understand, we (my mom and I) haven't talked about the cutting once. It's been a month and she hasn't talked to me about it. The help I was originally getting I haven't seen for since November 22. I am going insane. The urge to cut has been getting worse, it's been getting deeper, and I can't go a single day without it. It used to just bead and then stop, now it's running down my arm. I'm always carrying a razor around in school. My self-esteem has been going down a ton. I'm gay, I'm out about it, but the day I wore a shirt that said "All the Cool Girls are Lesbians". More than ten people were laughing and insulting me, and that was total shit. I'm emo. DOESN"T MEAN I'M WEARING ALL BLACK AND DEATH METAL! I'm emo = Emotional. I've taken insults for many years, and this year I've taken none, and I loosened up, I allowed emotions through, and I finally was at ease, and then it changes and completely crushes me on the inside.

    I need to stop cutting. I've done EVERYTHING! Ice, Rubber bands, Music, Art, Writing, like EVERYTHING. I'm freaking out and scared. I'm paranoid because I'm trying to hide and I'm failing somehow. And it's just going insane.
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Do you remember what may have first triggered you to start cutting? I remember when I first started cutting, I basically thought: "Well if it works for them, maybe I should try it." And I guess it kind of did. Well that depends. Anyway, it sort of worked, I liked harming myself because I hated myself. Well I kinda still do but it's a semi-long story. I eventually stopped, somehow. I'm pretty sure I lost my pocket knife, and no one uses those old blade razors in my family(only those super lame disposable things that snap, lol).

    Have you ever thought about trying to go to a therapist or a counselor? As in an outside of school one. I've never told ANYONE about my problems(well sort english teacher now knows about my social phobia/anxiety becuase I wrote her a note regarding an assignment I hadn't handed in), but having a fully qualified counselor that deals with many kinds of related traumas instead of just school aged ones might help. And then they can see how bad your feeling and maybe advise other means of 'recovery'(or what ever) such as meds etc etc.

    I suffer with self esteem issues along with confidence ones, the list goes on really. The people that were making fun of you when you wore that shirt are fuck heads. Chances are they're probly insecure about themselves. Just remember that you being out helps other kids come to terms with their sexuality and makes them feel not so alone. Kinda like: "If you let yourself be happy, you let others be happy". Actually, I have no clue where I heard/saw that or even if I just made that up sometime ago(I have a bad memory at times).

    I'm not called an emo usually, but I do probly seem weird at times. I don't speak an awful lot at school and the other kids kinda scare me. But that's probly because of the social anxiety etc. I only came out in november last year, a couple of weeks before school went out for the christmas holidays. I hope I don't cop a lot of shit for being gay, I think most/all of my grade knows now, just depends what other people in different grades think. Then the depression has kinda raped my attention span. My grades have slipped quite a lot, but I don't really care. I don't really plan on living past 18 for various reasons.

    Ok, well I started blabbing again. Happens everytime I answer a thread :sigh:. I end up writing my fucking life story lol.

    Hope things get easier soon :) :hug:.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2011
  3. Dashigara12

    Dashigara12 Member

    I cut for some reasons, and some I don't even know. 1. low self esteem vent 3. to hide my feelings (which is the same as venting) 4.depression 5.grades problems 7. past (it loves to haunt me)

    I have considered a counselor, I am actual signed up for one by my mom. They said I'd get one after Christmas...I'm still waiting. The crisis counselor and the vice principle in my school know, and they were helping me. Then we haven't seen each other for a while but apparently the vice principle asked my friend about me, so I'm going to try and stop in to see her tomorrow. I have a "bothering people with my troubles" phobia. It's extremely hard for me to ask people for help.

    And same here, I'm not considered emo. I'm a butch lez, so everyone usually thinks I'm a boy at first glance. But, my grades have been failing because of the depression and cutting cuz, I was distractable before, now, omg i can't stick to one train of thought. My teachers don't really help. My literature teacher is always talking about something triggering. So is my history teacher. :fence:
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm too uncomfortable telling people my problems. Even though I never have(in real life). I think it's got something to do with a paranoia that they know what really gets to me and make me go nuts/fall of the wagon.

    I've only noticed for maybe 6 months at the max that my concentration levels are really bad, lol. I'll be sitting there in class just staring at the board/what ever the teacher is doing, and when the teacher asks me a question I'll be like "I don't know" or "I have no clue". Lol. I have a problem with doodling and scribblin in my books. And it's just that. Scribbling. I'll sit there and draw lines in my book or squares, or just plain old scribble :laugh:. I think the teachers kinda notice I'm not paying attention when i have to show them my book and they find all the scribble around the edges of the pages.

    My english teacher actually asked if anythign was 'wrong' or if something was going on at home. Well not really. Ok, well something is wrong but I stick to the notion that it's un-fixable(depression/my various undiagnosed disorders). So she says that if anything is happening there is people I can talk to about it. How the fuck is talking going to help? I'm the kinda person the will have an idea of what's going to happen in the end. And one way or another the outcome will be that(me dead at 18, lol).

    I'm probly going to fuck up a shitload this year because I'm in my second last year of school and things can get semi-hard. Then I wouldn't be surprised if they end up telling me to go to the guidance counselor or what ever because my grades are slipping and I won't get a QCE(senior schooling cert). Meh, I'm probly not gonna go to Uni to get that degree I was planning on anyway. Not like I actually wanted to in the first place.

    It's good that your mum plans on getting you to a counselor. Maybe you could just say to her "So when am I going to go to this counselor you planned on?", or something. I wouldn't really know how you could bring something like that up anyways. I'm a bad person for 'start up lines', lol.
  5. Youth

    Youth Active Member

    I know how it feels to hide something. The fact that you came out is, in fact, an accomplishment in itself. When I was young my parents wanted to force me to stop "being alone" by immersing me with children that liked to bully and have sex a lot (of course my parents didn't know about the sex part). So, I went along with it all the way until my junior year in HS. My junior year I finally became myself and was alone, but I also got a lot accomplished since I started being true to myself - I was a real headache, but very gifted at the same time. Now, I'm in college and I really regret conforming to the children that were around me when I was young. It stunted my growth as a human being that I hid something for so long.
    What exactly did I hide you might ask? I liked reading and doing things alone. I was a true loner until my parents broke me out of it. Now, it's hard to make up for that lost time.
    I think you should be what you want to be how you want to be it. You've come out, so have some momentum. Now, tote your momentum with you each day. Be an individual. Trust me, you'll be proud of yourself in the future for it.
  6. Dashigara12

    Dashigara12 Member

    Well, to LongRoads89 - completely the same. I was a straight A student at the beginning of the year, and then when my grades started dropping my literature teacher asked "Where did the Alex go that I knew? If there is something wrong you can talk to me about it." I completely dissed him, not on purpose but to be serious, that is my reaction when people try to get in close. I either close my mind or diss them and ignore them. I just walked out of the room without an answer.

    And for the person I used to talk to at school. I was thinking for a whole hour on how to start an conversation with her, I failed, completely. Tomorrow I am going to talk, since I finally found one, like, an hour ago, thanks to my mom's bitchyness.

    And I am extremely uncomfortable talking about my feelings. There are random people in the world that I can open up to and not be as uncomfortable. It's like, extreme randomness. Once a 18 year old person, then someone my age, now a fully grown adult and Idk what makes it easy to talk to them. It's just weird.

    And I can no longer talk to my mom about anything, even that. She is a stranger to me sometimes. Sometimes I can see the mom I used to know in her or maybe I've just changed so much that the old perspective of my mom is changed in memory, but I can't talk to her.

    (And I can't either imagine living past 18. It seems like a horror)

    AND to "Youth"

    I used to be the loner, and I got an extreme amount of work done and all this stuff, then my mom made me make friends, made me go to people. I came out about being gay because I was sick of hiding it. It's just those type of things that you don't want to hide, but I only hide my depression and cutting now. I no longer hide anything else. I say I love piano, soccer, drawing, basketball, music, screamo rock, all this awesome stuff without caring what people think cuz so many people out there like some of the same things. So it's completely fine with me for my personality, it's only my depression I hide, and I'm proud about the personality, I think it rocks once I minus the depression.
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