Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LILICHIPIE, Jan 30, 2008.

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    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Made up my mind that I wouldnt do it abroad
    The pain is terrible because I should be dead by now but the guilt over my fees couldnt bear it
    Im due to fly back to France friday night-
    How ironic that I should be dead and finally on the other side
    Feeling more horrible than ever but regarding that it d cost merely 8700 euros to fly home my worthless corpse; couldnt do that to my parents
    thats no childlish attempt to not do it
    I think ive just not lost this kind of humanity

    Feels even gruesome now that I see myself alive even though I had the right method and timing

    The only good thing about being on a hotel
    loaaaaaaaaads of alcohol lol i can have calm to think and having a great pill alcohol week end on the row without bothering about roomates - Hips lol-

    Getting back to serious:
    So friday night ill be home in france and when parents are peacefully asleep - to avoid any bad timing- at around 2 am; hanging in my shower -

    thanks for your help all and Im keeping the boat until friday
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2008
  2. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Please, don't do that. Your parents will be very sad. Imagine that they are entering bathroom and see you dead. Please keep trying. Have you tried some medicines anti depressive? Please stay safe!
    I hope you will be better soon

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    hell yes hun
    effexor being bipolar which i stopped for my own sanity as i was not only thinking about my death but dreaming and seeing it - visual hallucinationsè
    bipolar isnt treatable i dont want to endure that all of my life
    I didnt want to end up schizo
    im ready and ive thought about it
    I was only posting because I had some messages regarding that and wanted to thank everyone that has been messaging; nothing more
    everyone who knows me know that im very ready for it and only wishing it - aka previous threads

    thanks for ur concern though and stay safe for urelf
  4. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Do you really want the last time your parents see your face to be that.
    If you have to hang yourself, and i'm not saying you should. Maybe somewhere secluded, where nobody can find you.
    Or maybe you could just wait awhile, i have it on very good authority that the world is gonna end eventually. Why not stick around and see.:smile:
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    your torturing me and everyone else on this site. your parents deserve better. Stop this madness. You want me to say I care then I do but Ive got a feeling that your just after the attention, so dont pm. You want to hurt everyone go ahead and do it, your so brave-not. :unsure:

    Ive decided to give up aswell and you were my motivation
  6. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    I guess coming all this way i couldnt talk you out of it. well you know youre going to break everyones heart when you leave.i just dont know what else to say to convence you not to do it. i feel out of words.idk what to say. know that evryone here would like you to stay, esspecially me..its hopeless i guess. :unsure:
  7. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I sympathisize with what you're saying, and to a certain extent I even agree with it. But I don't see why you're saying bipolar isn't treatable. It is treatable for a great many, and just b/c you've had a bad experience with one medicine it doesn't mean there isn't one out there that won't work.

    I wouldn't either, to be honest. I think I've made my cynical feelings about psychiatry pretty well known, but they are medical doctors and they do know what they're doing when confronted with a biochemical condition like BPD. It is a medical condition, same as diabetes or krohn's syndrome. And there're lots of other options out there besides efflexor.

    Also, if its any help, I'm just about positive BPD does not lead to schizophrenia, or vice versa. They're two disorders related only by the fact that both take place in the brain.
  8. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    Do you know I think thats just a lame excuse. My mum was schitzophrenic and always had to take at least 14 pills a day and her injections every month etc etc. However she was one of the most pleasant and happiest people I know when you sat there with her chatting. She had a fantastic sense of humor and would have still been the wonderful grandmother and mother that she was if she hadnt been taken by cancer at 56.

    She may have wanted to die at times, I know she did as I found notes asking my aunties to take me in, but she never gave up because she put me first, and also wouldnt have done that to her own mum. If Lilli wants to go then its her choice, but I hate reading excuses that just aint good enough.......I wouldnt want to be in a wheelchair but if I ended up in one Id just adapt and make the best of it.
  9. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    I don't really know what to say. I don't think hanging yourself in the shower is a very good idea though. It's one thing making a choice about ending your life, but you'll cause endless nightmares and mental trauma for your parents after they find you like that.

    I hope whatever your final choice is that you'll find happiness.
  10. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    That made me chuckle. :laugh::laugh:
  11. And that's the fucking truth.

    Do you really want to die? I did. I still do. I'm still here.

    "Although I hurt myself, it's always someone else I see."

    Remember that.

  12. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    I think English is not Lillichpie's first or even second language, I think it is more like her third. I shudder to think what I would read like if I tried to express myself in what amounts to pidgin Spanish (well, at least I know all the swear words!), never mind nonexistent French.

    In any event I think she deserves some slack cut her that way.

    Well, some people get cancer and die almost immediately, some people get cancer and linger for a long time, and some people make a full recovery. Your mother was certainly unlucky in being schizophrenic, but was also lucky in that she found a treatment that worked well enough for her to lead what sounds like a pretty fulfilling life. Unfortunately, not every schizophrenic responds to treatment that well, just like not every cancer patient responds to the same treatment that gives others complete cures.

    I think a full-blown BPD episode can be extremely frightening. And on top that being on a medicine that induces hallucinations? Seems like some of the better reasons I've ever read, personally. My advice to her would certainly be to stick it out and keep trying, at least a little while longer, but advice is easy to offer...especially since BPD is not what I suffer from, I don't really know what she's going through, and never shall.

    That's you. I honestly don't think I could. In fact, fear of maiming myself is one of my big fears when it comes to contemplating my own end.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Agnes. I'm glad that you were able to hang on as long as you could, but I'm sorry to hear that you will leaving us on friday. But I've also accepted your decision to hang yourself, because it's what you really want to do. I just feel very sorry for your parents when they find your lifeless body hanging in the shower. I wish there was another way. Goodbye Agnes. I've really enjoyed chatting with you and being your friend, while it lasted. :hug:

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    We have our own reasons so please accept mine
    you know nothing about me; nor my past;nor what bipolarity is about
    same for me regarding to you
    Sure; its "better" to be bipolar if thats what you want to know than being shizo
    I didnt mean anything mean with shizo I was saying that having horrendous mood swings; gruesome changes of direction in life and all that goes on was too much for me
    As started Effexor; I did have voice and visual hallucinations - and anyway I dont know why im explaining myself about this
    The fact is you pretty allow yourself in saying that its pretty lame but you dont know so please back off
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2008

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Well at least you did not have the guts to even say that to me in private: instead you are slagging off in public- isnt that seeking attention and being mean

    I havent asked for your advice about my suicide; In fact im pretty desapointed to see that as I guess I was one of the few who would talk to you until late hours and thats what I get
    No I dont want attention
    and please dont say that you re going to end up of ur life because of me or some posts I did; thats ridiculous and pointless
    I wish you happiness in whatever you are contemplating for and do not EVEN bother like tonight to come for apologizes after having passed your nerves on me because you were drunk and depressed
    You drive your life; you are responsible for your own failures
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2008

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Before assuming that I only tried Effexor; read some other posts
    I did try; ive been on most of SSRIS -zoloft; prozac; aldevil; seroplex; xanax etc
    Yes with Shyzophrenia; bipolarity are the 2 psychiatric illnesses you cannot cure
    Besides that Im not implying that Ive found a reason to kill myself by saying this; there are lots of, reasons but knowing that Ill live all my life with horrendous mood swings and self destructive behaviors; I chose my path

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    thanks dave for your help

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    thank you gmork; you are one of the few here who read through posts
    and have an interesting point of view
    As said before to Lost1 etc; I would never assume that someboys illness is a lame excuse to end it because you dont know what it is to go through
    and yes; BPD is an horrendeous illness; most ple here who kept slagging off probably dont even know what it is about and probably think that its some mood swings depression; however some have found how to live with; some havent

    Merci beaucoup :tongue:
  19. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Just wanted to wish you well. Not sure what else there is to say except,
    hope your rope breaks.:biggrin: We'd miss you.

    Take care.

    Your avatar made me smile.:biggrin:
  20. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm going to miss you Agnes. I hope that you find peace in your afterlife. And if you do end up a wandering spirit, be sure to visit me sometime. Just don't try to scare me.
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