Friday's D-Day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aristotle, Dec 1, 2011.

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  1. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    So here we are at the end. I give up the booze – no one believes me. I g to bed early – but don’t sleep, so no one believes me. I guess you can’t blame people when you’ve had a problem - own up to it but there’s no miraculous change - your lying. Anyway I don’t want to think about them this time it’s all me. Me, me me.
    Anyway, where to start. Family I guess did their best. Grandmother we lived with was a tyrant unless you were my brother. He was an angel and I was satan. I only realized recently why I got packed of with an uncle for a day out or something it was to kind of make up for dear old granny. My mother said as much at grannies funeral. I was never jealous or angry at the time. I was angry that no one was on my side, ever. Somehow my brother doesn’t remember it that way. We’ve never talked about it but a couple of times girlfriends have asked about us as kids and he seems to think I gave him a hard life. Should have tried my side of the fence I had no one.
    Then there were my teens. Yeah let’s just skip over that.
    Then 20’s and I was actually fairly happy most of the time. University wasn’t too bad but I should have put more effort in. Then work which was – well - just work a mix of good and bad. The opera stuff I did was mostly awful (i.e. lacked talent not commitment) but still a good laugh. I looked forward to it each week. The shows were a kind of highlight.
    Then I moved jobs, it was time for a change. Went to Glasgow and was mostly fairly happy. Work wasn’t bad and kung fu was great fun. I made a huge mistake here which I now see cost me everything in the end. I kept seeing the same girl. I left Glasgow to be with her – what a fuck up. We were never happy but stayed together. I think this was where the drink started although I’d never been afraid of it. Just now it wasn’t cos I liked it.
    We eventually split up but it was too late. Now she’d gone I stopped any exercise and just stuck to the booze. I was able to function but that was all. I had a number of jobs after that of slowly degrading work. I think mostly cos I’d given up. I just existed without ambition, idea or energy. You at least need energy to live, even a little.
    So now I’m at the end. Work say I’m not up to it. I don’t like it much. The place is fine and so are the people. My boss never speaks to me although he doesn’t shut up with others. Can’t work out if that’s cos he hates me or that’s how he thinks it should be. I think this is his first management post. My health is shit and I don’t know why. I eat stuff and I’m doubled over in agony. This also means I don’t sleep and look and feel tired. Of course everyone assumes I’ve got boozed up again – just another lying drunk to words to that effect. Seems random and makes even walking difficult as the pain is just too great.
    I have quit the booze which is great but find I still don’t care, enough to live anyway. I do now have the energy to end it all though which is great news. Got the plan, equipment, setting, etc. even put thought into being found to make it as easy as possible on the poor soul. Just one last gasp and I’m over the line. I guess there’s more but I don’t want this to be war and peace.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    What they think matters, but not as much as the truth. You know you have given up booze, that must have been very hard, but you have done it. Congratulations!

    As for the eating, that sounds bad, have you seen a Doctor?

    Work - your boss may think you do not like him, or may think you prefer to be left alone.
     
  3. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    I know you mean to be positive but I've run out of everything. I was going to try and outlast Christmas but I just want it all over now. I'm never going to be happy - yes I know others have been and are much worse off. It's just a slow decline with no hope. That's the thing that get's you in the end - no hope.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    can you do anything to try to reverse the decline?
     
  5. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    No nothing. i've tried but not seen any change. not in health work anywhere. its the same ebrry day. just got the last item for tomorrow. i hate to do it at work but i want to get found.
     
  6. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Have you thought about the effect on your mom or brother?

    Suicide is devastating for those who remain, I can say this as one who was close with someone who ended his life, and also as one who made an attempt, then had to deal with the psych ward, and my hurt family and friends. There are probably more people that care about you than you realize. They may have distanced themselves because of your drinking, and it takes a while to convince everyone that your recovery is genuine.

    You've got people here who care, don't judge you, and wish the best for you. Stick around and get some support and encouragement from us. There may come a day when I'm hurting, reach out, and you are the one with the right words for me.

    Have you thought about going to a group like Alcoholics Anonymous? It functions much the way this forum does, just peers trying to help each other.
    I've gone for years, and it's not what I expected at all. And if you don't like one group, you're free to go to another.
     
  7. aristotle

    aristotle Member

    Yes thought all of that. can live just cos someone wants you too. Christmas makes it worse but wait? it'll be my birthday then someother damn thing. put it off long enough. if i'm all that's between your life and death Gods reallyy sick.
     
  8. Waine

    Waine Member

    Giving up alcohol and admitting you had a problem is a big positive step, you should build on this, enrol in a gym or start jogging, you will see that it takes your mind off everything in the world and this in itself can be addictive.

    Who cares what your boss thinks, most bosses are dicks anyway (thats why there the boss) its just one less xmas card to write.

    You said that you have a plan and the equipment? you should just bin all those ASAP, them even being around you is a negative thing, get rid of them.

    One last thing, if you have no energy coffee can be your best friend :)
     
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