So here we are at the end. I give up the booze – no one believes me. I g to bed early – but don’t sleep, so no one believes me. I guess you can’t blame people when you’ve had a problem - own up to it but there’s no miraculous change - your lying. Anyway I don’t want to think about them this time it’s all me. Me, me me. Anyway, where to start. Family I guess did their best. Grandmother we lived with was a tyrant unless you were my brother. He was an angel and I was satan. I only realized recently why I got packed of with an uncle for a day out or something it was to kind of make up for dear old granny. My mother said as much at grannies funeral. I was never jealous or angry at the time. I was angry that no one was on my side, ever. Somehow my brother doesn’t remember it that way. We’ve never talked about it but a couple of times girlfriends have asked about us as kids and he seems to think I gave him a hard life. Should have tried my side of the fence I had no one. Then there were my teens. Yeah let’s just skip over that. Then 20’s and I was actually fairly happy most of the time. University wasn’t too bad but I should have put more effort in. Then work which was – well - just work a mix of good and bad. The opera stuff I did was mostly awful (i.e. lacked talent not commitment) but still a good laugh. I looked forward to it each week. The shows were a kind of highlight. Then I moved jobs, it was time for a change. Went to Glasgow and was mostly fairly happy. Work wasn’t bad and kung fu was great fun. I made a huge mistake here which I now see cost me everything in the end. I kept seeing the same girl. I left Glasgow to be with her – what a fuck up. We were never happy but stayed together. I think this was where the drink started although I’d never been afraid of it. Just now it wasn’t cos I liked it. We eventually split up but it was too late. Now she’d gone I stopped any exercise and just stuck to the booze. I was able to function but that was all. I had a number of jobs after that of slowly degrading work. I think mostly cos I’d given up. I just existed without ambition, idea or energy. You at least need energy to live, even a little. So now I’m at the end. Work say I’m not up to it. I don’t like it much. The place is fine and so are the people. My boss never speaks to me although he doesn’t shut up with others. Can’t work out if that’s cos he hates me or that’s how he thinks it should be. I think this is his first management post. My health is shit and I don’t know why. I eat stuff and I’m doubled over in agony. This also means I don’t sleep and look and feel tired. Of course everyone assumes I’ve got boozed up again – just another lying drunk to words to that effect. Seems random and makes even walking difficult as the pain is just too great. I have quit the booze which is great but find I still don’t care, enough to live anyway. I do now have the energy to end it all though which is great news. Got the plan, equipment, setting, etc. even put thought into being found to make it as easy as possible on the poor soul. Just one last gasp and I’m over the line. I guess there’s more but I don’t want this to be war and peace.