Friend is trying to drag me down

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bonnevie, Aug 13, 2015.

  1. bonnevie

    bonnevie Member

    Hi guys. I guess you could say I'm a little bit angry and I wouldn't want to unnecessarily act on that anger and do something I regret, so I came here to vent in the hopes that it will calm me down. Perhaps an outside opinion may help me change my perspective, too. This site and its community does do so much to help folks like me, and I'll always be appreciative of that.

    I will try the short version of this story, so as not to make it painfully dull for you to read.

    I have a friend of whom I've known for about six years now. When I first met him, I was 18 years old. Back then, I was in a huge amount of denial about how depressed and hopeless I was about life, which made me pretty vulnerable. This friend of mine, let's call him George, is 10 years older than me. George immediately took a liking to me, as I was to later find out, he has a "thing" for young, vulnerable girls. Not just a sexual attraction, but also a general desire to befriend them, take them under his wing, and "protect" them. I use the word "protect" in quotes, as I don't really believe his behaviour has ever left me feeling more protected, rather more vulnerable than ever before. I only ever really strived in life when I wasn't around him. He too suffered and still does suffer from depression amongst other things, and with him, it is very much the "misery loves company" attitude. He wasn't happy whenever I tried to venture out and better myself, he preferred it when I was just as miserable as him, with no real future ahead of us.

    As you can imagine, this resulted in our friendship becoming quite strained, and there have been multiple occasions where we have fought, fallen out, and not spoken to each other. One instance, we didn't speak to each other for over a year. During that year, I managed to grow up and feel a lot more hopeful and happy about life. I reached the point where his attitudes and behaviours didn't affect me any more, and I was my own person, an adult. He no longer had any kind of hold on me, and I was going to do whatever I wanted with my life, regardless of whether it made him miserable or not. He seemed upset by this at first, but it felt as though he eventually came to terms with this fact, and this is when we became friends again.

    I will admit, some of the time, he is a nice guy to hang around, and I realise his issues make him the way that he is, which is why I've forgiven him for so much. He doesn't have a great deal going for him, but this is because he refuses to seek any kind of help. He is the cause of his own misery, and in a twisted way, he seems to like it that way. I don't question this any more, I just don't have the energy to try, but it does annoy me when he complains about things that he could easily fix himself, just like I did for myself and continue to do. I get it, it's extremely difficult to take a step towards getting help, but I know for a fact that he refuses to try because he is too lazy to deal with any kind of change.

    Anyway, the latest reason I'm a little angry is because of how self-absorbed he is. He is aware that I have my own life, my own issues, and that I get on with it. He asks me every so often how I'm getting on, and I'm honest with him. Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I have pretty awful days, and I tell him all about it. His responses are always short, and pointless. He then immediately turns the conversation to himself. I've noticed he has done this all the time for the past few months now. It has reached the point where I am wondering why I even bother to engage him in conversation if it always turns back to him. But you know what? This would all be fine if that was all he did, I would just have him pegged as a pretty selfish guy and that would be it. However, he occasionally likes to remind me that he is "such a good friend" and that I should "appreciate all he does for me". This makes my blood boil. He does absolutely nothing for me except hang around sometimes and let me listen to him complain. If I ever needed him, he would turn up to our meeting place several hours late and not seem engaged or bothered at all. Another thing that bothers me, he never, ever, shows up on time.

    So I figure the only reason he sparks up conversations with me so often is because he really just wants to talk about himself to me every day. This has become tedious, and irritating. I have been there for him, like a good friend should, but my energy is reaching an all time low with him. There is no give and take, he just takes. I try to be forgiving, like I was before, because of his depression and all that, but there's only so much I can do without getting really angry or upset.

    I've decided to leave him be for a bit, but in the long-term, I don't know what to do. I've tried having this conversation with him in the past, but it hasn't seemed to sink in for him. He is still incredibly selfish, and radiates misery. I honestly believe he is trying to drag me down to the level of depression he is at, so that I'll never decide to get better and I'll stay with him forever, but the thought of that makes me sick. I have already made such great strides in my life, and I think that every time I have some good news, he gets a little jealous. I always, always, tell him that he could be just as successful if he at least tried, but he never does, and I don't think he ever will.

    Is it time to cut off this friendship for good, or shall I try and talk to him one last time? At this point, I have no idea. I'm just glad I have good friends who encourage me and make me feel happy and safe.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Anyone that is toxic to your life it is best to leave I am not being cruel no i am just saying you cannot change this person but you can change YOU and you need to surround yourself with only positive people to keep you from falling backwards. This guy is a grown man that wants to be a little boy and thats wants people to look after him. do not fall into his world

    YES LEAVE ok just find a place a safe place for YOU to grow and to make new friends that will support you and not bring you down. You are willing to do the work to make things change he is only wanting company in his dark place perhaps by leaving him for good it will be a wake up point for him to look at himself and change

    Leave ok do that for YOU and that is not being selfish that is looking after your health
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    If this guy is doing nothing for you aside from dragging you down and making you cross then yes I would say that now is the time to cut him off and move on. I would go on, but it really is just that simple - he makes you feel bad not good so you should stop associating with him.