Friend repeatedly date raped...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by qoqnos, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. qoqnos

    qoqnos New Member

    I need so much help it's not really believable...I've been suicsal for around 12 years now. I just look for hope or a reason every day to just make it through each day...recently though...
    I met a girl...liked her a lot. We hung out. We had drinks and sex. We said we enjoyed eachothers company and did it again a few days later. We drank and got extremely comfortable with eachother. We are both kind of badass metal head closed off types...we shared everything because why not, we weren't sure if we'd ever see eachother again and no big loss of your stories scare away someone you barely know, right? We connected over horrors most people don't even believe happen...we got closer, I told her I loved her...she said she accepted that but wasn't looking for anything right now...and I respected that...5 hours later she pulls me to her and tells me she loves me too...and I fell into that bliss and happiness. She left right after that, about 5:30 in the morning before sleeping and when I heard from her later that day, she said she didn't remember anything...I thought she meant fuzzy memory so I filled her in on some of our fun...she freaked out hard. Apparently she meant she remembered NOTHING about 10 min after we started drinking. And her purse was missing. If I had heard this story about anyone else, I would have automatically assumed date rape. We decided after some input from a mutual friend on my character, that it was blackout drunk...I was crushed that according to her we had barely just met and hooked up once...nothing of what we shared...our entire mini relationship was all gone and I was crushed. Couldn't be mad at her for forgetting...and I started cutting...that was about a week ago. We had another date the next day and just went out to eat and I reconstructed the entire night as best I could remember it for her. We talked about emotions a little and how she will never trust anyone and she doesn't care about anyone ever, and people are horrible and she is horrible and hates herself...and I got closer and told her I cared and she was wrong and not everyone was like that and selfish and I'd prove it...she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. Told me she was going to go blow a guy for enough cocaine to overdose on and to get out of her car and that night ended with her speeding away from me to what I could only assume was her death...she also blocked me on fb so I couldn't message her. I started cutting again. Her friend called me to make sure I was ok. Which meant that SHE cared enough to tell her friend to check on me. I held on to that. The next day she came to pick up her shoes...and we barely spoke, I didn't want to scare her away. To help with rent she couldn't pay and other expenses(missing purse) I gave her several thousand dollars in electronics and jewelry and collectors items asking for nothing in return to prove that I didn't care about money or sex, only her. She told me she appreciated it and that she just needed some space. I told her to take as much time as she needed, to remember I cared and I'm here for her and I'd be waiting to hear from her. She said thank you and I didn't hear from her again for days until early this morning. She called me and told me she was drunk. I was ecstatic she was still alive and ok. She was surprised I cared...I told her I had worried about her and missed her. We talked for about 5 min and she hung up or we got disconnected...She called back a few minutes later and asked who I was and why I was calling her. I tried to remind her but she didn't remember me or her friends...i tried to explain...I thought she might be messing with me hinting that she didn't care at all...but this guy comes on the line and says his gf isn't interested in me and hangs up. I'm thinking ok that was a bit harsh but ok...I go back to bed and I start getting texts from the guy telling me to stop Being so desperate, and that she's too good for me and taunting me. I say that I didn't know she had a fb and i think he has the wrong idea about me being an obsessed puppy dog or something with her and that all I care about is her happiness no matter who it's with, but if he hurts her, I hurt him. Then he starts detailing what he's doing to her and says "date rape
    Is only the beginning, I love roofies, there's nothing this girl won't do right now. And you guys shared nothing, if you did, I'll beat her a$$" then gleefully taunts me with all the things he's doing to her...idk who the guy is except that she hangs out with the same people At the same bar every Sunday...don't know them or the name of the bar...I called the police to try to get them to trace her location. They won't do it. Privacy laws. I tried to recruit hackers, even going into the deep/dark net and asking for some compassion. Got none. She has asked me to leave her friends out of it previously. That went to hell. I asked them for any information, and she may hate me but I'll risk her wrath for her safety...everyone is sleeping though...so I keep talking to the guy, trying to goad him into meeting and settling his problem with me. Eventually one of the texts is "what? Who is this?" And I think maybe it's her again. I tell her who it is and she says nothing back. I told her I'd come and get her, and silence. I bet that she doesn't remember anything that happened again and we are back at the point where she had asked me for space and now she thinks I violated that...and not only will she hate me for not saving her, now she will hate me for not respecting her enough to leave her alone AND for talking to her not so close 'friends' about her personal life...I'd also be willing to bet that since she saw this guy the night before she forgot everything with me...he's the reason she didn't remember that either...this guy is drugging and using her and she has no idea, she just thinks she's drinking too much...i...can't do this anymore...I can't keep killing myself for her only to be tossed aside and forgotten and unappreciated but it's not like it's her fault either...and I WOULD kill myself before giving up on her, that is NOT an option. I don't mean a relationship, I mean as a friend and saving her from a crappy life. I will never give up on her...but I think she's pretty much about ready for me to never be in her life again...she gave up on me...when she was the only one that never had...and now...I'm not really finding reasons not to die anymore...I'm a worthless failure. Couldn't protect her, couldn't respect her, couldn't keep my promises to always be there for her...and I would have done anything...still would...but she's about to wake up in a few hours to all my texts I sent to whoever was using her phone, and that'll look great, close to 100 threatening texts (at the guy that was threatening me and her that she won't remember and most likely deleted his messages to make me look worse) and a couple calls, and panicked messages from her friends...I'm dead. She is for sure done with me forever after this...and I feel like I should really be done with me too...
     
  2. Icarusfalls

    Icarusfalls New Member

    Hey, I'm new to this site and relatively young (not too relevant I hope). I too have found myself in places of complete darkness with no visible way out but there is always a way out eventually. This is my first proper contribution to the site and I hope I can help. I know how you feel and I've experienced similar emotions before. You've gone through a lot and lived with so much sadness and depression occurring constantly that brings you down but it isn't a reason to stop moving forward in a positive lifestyle. How things have played out does not mean that you yourself as a person is insignificant but perhaps it's getting into the situation itself that causes this distress. Everyone has a value and I'm not going through with stereotypes. You are you and what makes you a significant person in this world because you are not replaceable and one of a kind because nobody can or will ever be who you are. This situation that you're going through will be one of the stories you can possibly tell as a reminder that carries both pain and strength through struggle because I believe in you simply by the words you type. Sometimes, the hardest things in life are what gives you the strength to fight through it. I know you are deeply concerned with this girl and I know how much value she holds to you but don't let the circumstances bring you down, it is intrusion of privacy to attempt to forcibly enter her life but how about a gradual and slow approach towards getting to gain her trust (which I do not recommend as it will take a toll on you but it's entirely up to you). I suggest you think about what the best decision is to you first, this means that you have to decide whether it's better for you to stay out of this mess or to carry on trying to save her because you need to save yourself first before you can save her. This topic itself is very messy and I would suggest for you to take care of yourself and your well-being first so you can have a proper judgement. Don't give up hope yet, there will always be another way and you can always make another way. Don't let her or how things have been to you bring you down. If you really do care for her then maybe try save yourself first before you try saving her? I am just suggesting alternative's from an outside view so live for yourself because this is just another test in life that you will handle and I strongly believe that you will be able to get through this. If not, then life through this just for her perhaps if you intend to help her but just don't rush yourself into any conclusions or decisions until you've figured out what you want to do next. My suggestions:
    1. Don't over complicate the situation anymore and try reason with yourself first to see whether you are capable to take care of yourself first and then to take care of others with better judgement or if not then take care of yourself first.
    2. Decide where you are from my first suggestion on whether you are capable of looking after yourself so you can then look after others or if you don't, take care of yourself first so you will be capable to make judgement clearer towards yourself.
    3. Do not undervalue yourself as you are worth more than you imagine once you realize that your life can be turned around if you put your heart onto it. (Especially don't rush into decisions that you may regret which may affect you or others.)

    This is my first post in a forum of this context. I have tried to generalize my reply to you and I do hope it works out for you and I'm sorry it's off the topic you opened on but this is my contribution and I do hope you get well soon and start blinding people with smiles :)
    Life is and will be wonderful once you recognize what it can be and not what it is.
    Stay strong and don't hinder. You will make it through and just make decisions that come from the heart so regardless of the outcome, you will not regret.
    Do not give up and never underestimate your capabilities as a wonderful and unique living being :)
     
  3. AsahiBushi

    AsahiBushi Member

    Ok, you'll listen to me and you'll listen to me good, and here's why:

    1. My hair almost reaches my waist and it feels awesome when I headbang.
    2. I have cigarrette burn marks on my hands. And then I realized self-harm is idiotic.
    3. When I was reading the first paragraph of your story I was like "Holy ****! That's so much like me and Sheryl!"

    Whoah. I hadn't typed that name in a while, but long story short, I was kind of dating this girl in a similar albeit much less dark situation than yours. That, the metalhead-ness, the self-harm...so yes, I sympathize with ya. What did I do? After all that crying and all the suffering, I just decided to call it quits. On her, not on me. For now, it'll sound too simplistic for you and I really don't want to diminish or mock your feelings: but dump the crazy and move on. Am I still considering suicide after having done so? Yes, but for different reasons. Am I feeling like I took a great weight of my back? **** YES!

    I was going to write the whole schmeal but...it's entangled with a relationship that is instrumental in my suicidal thoughts so...I just can't. Bottomline: Hot chick with a flimsy long-distance relationship that had no future with a common "friend", we had great times, she repeatedly got me into compromising sexual situations which I, of course, didn't object, same "I love you but...I don't want a relationship" bull****. Turns out she had a traumatic experience having been raped at 13 and her family, instead of supporting her, just piled on her. She never seeked any medical help, I suggested her to get help, I supported her, told her in a million ****ing ways that I really liked her for who she was and not just because of her body. One day we're at my place, I said I wanted to lay down for a bit before I drove her home and she asked me if we could cuddle. Surely, if a woman with whom you've had sex a couple of times and have had done other kind of stuff repeatedly says "cuddle" in bed she means...well, you know. Nope. I didn't force her, I said "Ok, nope, it's your call". Fast forward a couple of days and her long-distance ├╝ber-clingy boyfriend tells me "I shouldn't talk to her because she'd never forgive me for what I had done because it reminded her of the time she was raped".

    Somehow, after I told her I loved her and I gave her my support, dried her tears and was as sweet as possible with her...I ended up being acused of being a rapist. **** that ****. I have my dignity and I won't risk it for someone who doesn't appreciate it and won't reciprocate. If she wants to stay in mental insanity, good for her, I don't, and I won't tolerate such a blatant disregard for my persona. That's not the love I want, that's not the love that'll pull me up, it's a crude shadow of love that'll push me further down the pit. Add drugs, booze and an abusive "dude" in the mix? No bueno, you should know better than involve yourself in that situation.

    I apologize if the tough love is too, well, tough, but really man, I'm by your side for what it's worth.
     
  4. qoqnos

    qoqnos New Member

    Thanks guys...I wish I had read this before I did the dumb thing....I had been writing my thoughts and feelings to her every day. The things that it was too soon to say and the things that sound crazy...so after she told me that she never wanted to see me again...I sent all of them to her...saying "if you read these and are at all or ever want anything to do with me, reply. If I never hear from you, I'll understand. haven't heard back yet, it could have gone to her spam folder. But a fwb of mine who is also a psychologist (and usually hates evaluating people or situations she knows) made the same suggestion. "She's crazy,loves drama, you just gave her attention! Why!? Get away from the crazy!" Lol...it's ok...even if she comes back I'll explain to her I only want to be friends.
     
  5. Zeke171

    Zeke171 Active Member

    I dated a girl very similar to the one you describe. She had massive head trauma a few years before I met her, not to mention that she had been sexually molested by her father when she was little. I really fell for her, especially since i'm more than a little mental myself. But she was just to far gone. She had a real bad habit of thinking that she knew everybody. I'm talking she would start chatting with complete strangers and swear that she knew them for years. Then she would totally forget meeting other people that she actually did know. She would go out and meet guys, go have sex with them, and then come out of her fog and start screaming they raped her. She would not go and seek mental help, but instead medicated herself with booze and drugs, which put her in even scarier positions. I ended up going out with her off and on for about two years. I wouldn't see her for long stretches, then she would show up out of the blue thinking that we were still dating regularly. It was insane, but I really cared for her. I got put in a lot of bad and dangerous situations with her craziness. As strong as my feelings were, I had to end our relationship. I told her I cared for her, but she needed more help than I could give her. I would be there to support her any way I could, but things had to change. Of course she said o.k., but as you probably guessed, she would or could not get the help she needed. It was hard but I stood my ground and said "enough is enough!" She tried every trick to pull me back in, but I held firm that she needed professional help. I'd love to say everything worked out, but unfortunately she never changed and ended up dead a few years later. blame myself for a lot of things that happened in my past, but her death is not one of them. I did what I could to help, but sometimes you just have to let it go,man...It was not easy, but sometimes you need to let people you care for sink or swim. It seems cruel, but lets face it - the world is a cruel place. Anyways, I wish you the best no matter what happens, and don't be hard on yourself for other peoples issues. Good luck.