I need so much help it's not really believable...I've been suicsal for around 12 years now. I just look for hope or a reason every day to just make it through each day...recently though...
I met a girl...liked her a lot. We hung out. We had drinks and sex. We said we enjoyed eachothers company and did it again a few days later. We drank and got extremely comfortable with eachother. We are both kind of badass metal head closed off types...we shared everything because why not, we weren't sure if we'd ever see eachother again and no big loss of your stories scare away someone you barely know, right? We connected over horrors most people don't even believe happen...we got closer, I told her I loved her...she said she accepted that but wasn't looking for anything right now...and I respected that...5 hours later she pulls me to her and tells me she loves me too...and I fell into that bliss and happiness. She left right after that, about 5:30 in the morning before sleeping and when I heard from her later that day, she said she didn't remember anything...I thought she meant fuzzy memory so I filled her in on some of our fun...she freaked out hard. Apparently she meant she remembered NOTHING about 10 min after we started drinking. And her purse was missing. If I had heard this story about anyone else, I would have automatically assumed date rape. We decided after some input from a mutual friend on my character, that it was blackout drunk...I was crushed that according to her we had barely just met and hooked up once...nothing of what we shared...our entire mini relationship was all gone and I was crushed. Couldn't be mad at her for forgetting...and I started cutting...that was about a week ago. We had another date the next day and just went out to eat and I reconstructed the entire night as best I could remember it for her. We talked about emotions a little and how she will never trust anyone and she doesn't care about anyone ever, and people are horrible and she is horrible and hates herself...and I got closer and told her I cared and she was wrong and not everyone was like that and selfish and I'd prove it...she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. Told me she was going to go blow a guy for enough cocaine to overdose on and to get out of her car and that night ended with her speeding away from me to what I could only assume was her death...she also blocked me on fb so I couldn't message her. I started cutting again. Her friend called me to make sure I was ok. Which meant that SHE cared enough to tell her friend to check on me. I held on to that. The next day she came to pick up her shoes...and we barely spoke, I didn't want to scare her away. To help with rent she couldn't pay and other expenses(missing purse) I gave her several thousand dollars in electronics and jewelry and collectors items asking for nothing in return to prove that I didn't care about money or sex, only her. She told me she appreciated it and that she just needed some space. I told her to take as much time as she needed, to remember I cared and I'm here for her and I'd be waiting to hear from her. She said thank you and I didn't hear from her again for days until early this morning. She called me and told me she was drunk. I was ecstatic she was still alive and ok. She was surprised I cared...I told her I had worried about her and missed her. We talked for about 5 min and she hung up or we got disconnected...She called back a few minutes later and asked who I was and why I was calling her. I tried to remind her but she didn't remember me or her friends...i tried to explain...I thought she might be messing with me hinting that she didn't care at all...but this guy comes on the line and says his gf isn't interested in me and hangs up. I'm thinking ok that was a bit harsh but ok...I go back to bed and I start getting texts from the guy telling me to stop Being so desperate, and that she's too good for me and taunting me. I say that I didn't know she had a fb and i think he has the wrong idea about me being an obsessed puppy dog or something with her and that all I care about is her happiness no matter who it's with, but if he hurts her, I hurt him. Then he starts detailing what he's doing to her and says "date rape
Is only the beginning, I love roofies, there's nothing this girl won't do right now. And you guys shared nothing, if you did, I'll beat her a$$" then gleefully taunts me with all the things he's doing to her...idk who the guy is except that she hangs out with the same people At the same bar every Sunday...don't know them or the name of the bar...I called the police to try to get them to trace her location. They won't do it. Privacy laws. I tried to recruit hackers, even going into the deep/dark net and asking for some compassion. Got none. She has asked me to leave her friends out of it previously. That went to hell. I asked them for any information, and she may hate me but I'll risk her wrath for her safety...everyone is sleeping though...so I keep talking to the guy, trying to goad him into meeting and settling his problem with me. Eventually one of the texts is "what? Who is this?" And I think maybe it's her again. I tell her who it is and she says nothing back. I told her I'd come and get her, and silence. I bet that she doesn't remember anything that happened again and we are back at the point where she had asked me for space and now she thinks I violated that...and not only will she hate me for not saving her, now she will hate me for not respecting her enough to leave her alone AND for talking to her not so close 'friends' about her personal life...I'd also be willing to bet that since she saw this guy the night before she forgot everything with me...he's the reason she didn't remember that either...this guy is drugging and using her and she has no idea, she just thinks she's drinking too much...i...can't do this anymore...I can't keep killing myself for her only to be tossed aside and forgotten and unappreciated but it's not like it's her fault either...and I WOULD kill myself before giving up on her, that is NOT an option. I don't mean a relationship, I mean as a friend and saving her from a crappy life. I will never give up on her...but I think she's pretty much about ready for me to never be in her life again...she gave up on me...when she was the only one that never had...and now...I'm not really finding reasons not to die anymore...I'm a worthless failure. Couldn't protect her, couldn't respect her, couldn't keep my promises to always be there for her...and I would have done anything...still would...but she's about to wake up in a few hours to all my texts I sent to whoever was using her phone, and that'll look great, close to 100 threatening texts (at the guy that was threatening me and her that she won't remember and most likely deleted his messages to make me look worse) and a couple calls, and panicked messages from her friends...I'm dead. She is for sure done with me forever after this...and I feel like I should really be done with me too...
I met a girl...liked her a lot. We hung out. We had drinks and sex. We said we enjoyed eachothers company and did it again a few days later. We drank and got extremely comfortable with eachother. We are both kind of badass metal head closed off types...we shared everything because why not, we weren't sure if we'd ever see eachother again and no big loss of your stories scare away someone you barely know, right? We connected over horrors most people don't even believe happen...we got closer, I told her I loved her...she said she accepted that but wasn't looking for anything right now...and I respected that...5 hours later she pulls me to her and tells me she loves me too...and I fell into that bliss and happiness. She left right after that, about 5:30 in the morning before sleeping and when I heard from her later that day, she said she didn't remember anything...I thought she meant fuzzy memory so I filled her in on some of our fun...she freaked out hard. Apparently she meant she remembered NOTHING about 10 min after we started drinking. And her purse was missing. If I had heard this story about anyone else, I would have automatically assumed date rape. We decided after some input from a mutual friend on my character, that it was blackout drunk...I was crushed that according to her we had barely just met and hooked up once...nothing of what we shared...our entire mini relationship was all gone and I was crushed. Couldn't be mad at her for forgetting...and I started cutting...that was about a week ago. We had another date the next day and just went out to eat and I reconstructed the entire night as best I could remember it for her. We talked about emotions a little and how she will never trust anyone and she doesn't care about anyone ever, and people are horrible and she is horrible and hates herself...and I got closer and told her I cared and she was wrong and not everyone was like that and selfish and I'd prove it...she wouldn't even let me hold her hand. Told me she was going to go blow a guy for enough cocaine to overdose on and to get out of her car and that night ended with her speeding away from me to what I could only assume was her death...she also blocked me on fb so I couldn't message her. I started cutting again. Her friend called me to make sure I was ok. Which meant that SHE cared enough to tell her friend to check on me. I held on to that. The next day she came to pick up her shoes...and we barely spoke, I didn't want to scare her away. To help with rent she couldn't pay and other expenses(missing purse) I gave her several thousand dollars in electronics and jewelry and collectors items asking for nothing in return to prove that I didn't care about money or sex, only her. She told me she appreciated it and that she just needed some space. I told her to take as much time as she needed, to remember I cared and I'm here for her and I'd be waiting to hear from her. She said thank you and I didn't hear from her again for days until early this morning. She called me and told me she was drunk. I was ecstatic she was still alive and ok. She was surprised I cared...I told her I had worried about her and missed her. We talked for about 5 min and she hung up or we got disconnected...She called back a few minutes later and asked who I was and why I was calling her. I tried to remind her but she didn't remember me or her friends...i tried to explain...I thought she might be messing with me hinting that she didn't care at all...but this guy comes on the line and says his gf isn't interested in me and hangs up. I'm thinking ok that was a bit harsh but ok...I go back to bed and I start getting texts from the guy telling me to stop Being so desperate, and that she's too good for me and taunting me. I say that I didn't know she had a fb and i think he has the wrong idea about me being an obsessed puppy dog or something with her and that all I care about is her happiness no matter who it's with, but if he hurts her, I hurt him. Then he starts detailing what he's doing to her and says "date rape
Is only the beginning, I love roofies, there's nothing this girl won't do right now. And you guys shared nothing, if you did, I'll beat her a$$" then gleefully taunts me with all the things he's doing to her...idk who the guy is except that she hangs out with the same people At the same bar every Sunday...don't know them or the name of the bar...I called the police to try to get them to trace her location. They won't do it. Privacy laws. I tried to recruit hackers, even going into the deep/dark net and asking for some compassion. Got none. She has asked me to leave her friends out of it previously. That went to hell. I asked them for any information, and she may hate me but I'll risk her wrath for her safety...everyone is sleeping though...so I keep talking to the guy, trying to goad him into meeting and settling his problem with me. Eventually one of the texts is "what? Who is this?" And I think maybe it's her again. I tell her who it is and she says nothing back. I told her I'd come and get her, and silence. I bet that she doesn't remember anything that happened again and we are back at the point where she had asked me for space and now she thinks I violated that...and not only will she hate me for not saving her, now she will hate me for not respecting her enough to leave her alone AND for talking to her not so close 'friends' about her personal life...I'd also be willing to bet that since she saw this guy the night before she forgot everything with me...he's the reason she didn't remember that either...this guy is drugging and using her and she has no idea, she just thinks she's drinking too much...i...can't do this anymore...I can't keep killing myself for her only to be tossed aside and forgotten and unappreciated but it's not like it's her fault either...and I WOULD kill myself before giving up on her, that is NOT an option. I don't mean a relationship, I mean as a friend and saving her from a crappy life. I will never give up on her...but I think she's pretty much about ready for me to never be in her life again...she gave up on me...when she was the only one that never had...and now...I'm not really finding reasons not to die anymore...I'm a worthless failure. Couldn't protect her, couldn't respect her, couldn't keep my promises to always be there for her...and I would have done anything...still would...but she's about to wake up in a few hours to all my texts I sent to whoever was using her phone, and that'll look great, close to 100 threatening texts (at the guy that was threatening me and her that she won't remember and most likely deleted his messages to make me look worse) and a couple calls, and panicked messages from her friends...I'm dead. She is for sure done with me forever after this...and I feel like I should really be done with me too...