Dunno why I'm typing this here but I do wish I have the guts to tell her. I have a friend who is the best threrapist in the world. She understands me totally, as she has similar feelings. We spoke abt the afterlife a lot. How I wanna reborn as a guy and she as a girl. We even joked that I'm going chase her then and she replied,"i can handle that." She's really a dear friend to me. They say we are too young, we can try harder, we still have a long life in front of us. Its those reasons why we never reach out. We are not young, after spending yrs thinking, hesitating, trying and deciding. I doubt if we didnt try harder, we wouldnt even be here now. What we are most afraid is the long life we have to suffer. The endless, repetitive suffering to go thru. Still, she's a dear friend. I wouldnt wish her dead if she can live. But if she can't, then I decide I will go before her. Perhaps thats the only way I can help her in any way. Its raining outside yet the sun is so strong. Blinding strong. Even if I close my window, the light still stream thru. I wish I can show her this. I wish she find someone to be with her after I'm gone. Someone who can tell her to live. Its sad and sorry that I can't.