Friends and my Mom WARNING - might trigger

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by White Dove, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I dont really know just how to put this as i did not lose them to suicide so i hope it is okay to post it here?

    My Mom..

    I never got to really know you that well as you had passed away when i was 15 but i am writing about you and about what all i do remember about you.

    Estella Merie was born on April 24 1940 to a coal miner ( my grand daddy ) and a little country gal in the middle of Tennessee.. She was poor being a coal miners daughter but she had love... She told me many times when i was little all about how her daddy every day he got off work from those coal mines would bring her home a pop or a 5 cent candy bar and sometimes she would often still smell that coal dust on him as he would walk into the door and give her a big hug.. Mom came from a big family as Author ( grand daddy ) had many kids , mom was sort of in the middle , but unfortantly , all the younger ones were taken away from the common child hood diseases of the 1950 but mom and her brother managed to live on.. then one tragic day moms older brother was killed doing what he loved ( working in the coal mine like his dad ) Mom was hurt so bad that her and her mom and dad moved up north to indiana , mom stayed and they moved back to tennessee and mom soon fell in love with my dad and finally moved back down to tennessee when i was born and was only 2 weeks old and my older brother was around 15..

    Soon after grand daddy died ( i was way too young to ever remember him ) but mom would tell me stories of how he just loved me to death , said i was his greatest joy , i was his grand daughter and he often would talk about him seeing me get married , that never happened as working in the coal mines took a toll upon him and his lungs and he passed away with black lung..

    Mom used to love games and we would often play card games like monopoly and sorry and she always used to just love to hear her voice recorded on tape.. said it tickled her to death..

    Soon after my grandma (nerva ) house caught fire and she passed away in it. mom was hurt really bad and things went down hill from there. she had her good sides and bad sides and at times while i was just turning into my teens she was often lash out and said she wished i had never been born and said how much she hated me , but deep down i think it was all the pain talking.. the pain of losing her own mom in a house fire..

    She soon took sick and i watched her get weaker and weaker.. mom was one that would not go to a doctor so one day i kind of forced her to go and she was admitted into the hospital under DR. Fox care , we soon learned she has cancer and i soon realised all those night i held her hand shewas dying, all those times i held her head up when she would throw up to keep her from choking she was dying.. she stayed two weeks into the hospital, first week she had a stroke and it paralized her on the left side 3 or 4 more days later and she had another stroke and it put her brain dead..

    i wanted to say good-bye but never got to.. older brother had the docs pull the plug before i was able to get to the hospital to say good-bye.. he could not wait 20 minutes for me to get there to say good-bye , so im saying good-bye and honoring her now.. when i had gotten to the hospital after me and dad getting younger brother from school , she had already passed and her hand was cold.. so mom i love you. I LOVE YOU AND I REALLY MISS YOU..

    I never got to really know you and the hardest thing i ever had to do was ride in that car to the graveyard and see you put in that grave on mothers day in 1988 but you will be in my memory forever..

    Estelle Marie Burtrem Sheets
    04/24/1940 to 05/06/1988


    When i first met you i did not quite understand why when you said you loved me , why you would say that to a complete stranger such as myself , but i soon realized it was what the bible had said.. Although you are both still alive you are in a way dead to me..

    I had a high reguard for the both of you.. And what makes it so odd was the fact that you had the same b-day as my dad and D.D. has the same b-day as my mom had.. guess thats why i took up with you both so much.. I always thought God had a hand in it for us to meet because he knew i was still hurting and needed a good roll model for my life as a new christian..

    Elaine , thank you for spending time with me even though i wished it would have continued but you made the choice for it not to.. You were like a mom to me but i know my love was not what you wanted .. It is hard to let you go but the only way to do that is to pretend you are dead like my own physical mom.. you were special to me and i would have given you the world if i could have if it would have even made a difference.. I am hurt and hurting and no doubt i have hurt you and i know i cant fix that hurt and i know itys going to be hard to forget you cause every single time dad has a B-day i remember your B-day but i got to let you go..

    David - I cant thank you enough for the bible studies and lessons, for it ( not you but the bible ) helped me see that i needed to get baptized and i would not have done that if you had not of taught me.. i have the highest respect for you for that little bit of teaching.. It was amazing to find out you had the same B-day my mom had , truly amazing and i apologize if i went overboard on the gifts and cards, every time your B-day came up i thought of my mom and giving you a gift and card was like giving my mom those things.. If it offended you i am deeply sorry and wished you could have told me that if it did... You were like a dream dad to me but i got to let you go.. i got to pretend and believe you are dead just like my mom..

    I had the highest respect and love for you both.. not as much as for God cause he always comes first in my life, but you both were second place.. you were like my family , my spiritual family... I am sorry my niece hurt you and i am sorry that at times over the past i have hurt you but you got your own family , you got 4 kids that love you and a wife that loves you.. you have no room for me ...

    im letting you both go from my mind, from my heart , and from my life cause i have come to realize i am not that good enough for such fine people as yourselfs , so put me dead like i have you, only thing is that my death is soon approaching..

    Mods and Admin i hope this is okay to place here?

    Thank you ,

    White Dove
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2007
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thank you mods and Admin. :hug:

    For keeping this online...
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    thanks hun