I've read about depression a lot lately..and all the symptoms seem to be there. They also say you should confide in someone and get help. The only person i ever felt comfortable talking to seems to be convincing me this is all another phase. I'm just too hard on myself sometimes and he wishes i was just a less critical person. he said all my friends can tell when i get like this. what the fuck does he want from me? He wants me to try and change. what the hell does he thing im doing. That im acting like this for attention or to get back at someone? I'm trying to change! I tell myself to be that perfect girl i used to be. The one who enjoyed friends, and talked on the phone, and smied, and didn't worry if i made a mistake. there was always next time no, i can't do anything right. my art, that i used to do with ease is all wrong. i can't do it. nothing looks like what i imagine and want. and my tennis. used to be a leisurely thing i did when i got pissed, but now it is the source of stress. im overweight i know. and i've tried thing and i run and i play tennis for hours and yet i come home and eat. i want to lock myself in my room and starve. i dont want to cry every night. thinking about how alone i am. They claim to be my friends but they all just stand and watch me curl up and die, they just tell me its just another phase and i will get over it in a month. what if i dont? I want to go take a bath and just lay there under the water. you know what a beautiful sight that is? the roof of your bathroom through the swaying water. thats the way to go. and i dont ever want to see anoter art pad or tennis racket, or "friend". or father who expects me to do well...not encourage, just expects. or mother who is too busy to get off the damned phone when i invite her to a game. or sister who can go one day without beating me or saying "hate". i just want to die and start over. but i know i cant start over and thats the only thing that makes me walk past the bathroom into my room to sleep tonight and keep life going in the same dull pattern. I think its depression, but i can't tell my parents. we can't afford doctors, and i haven't ever really tried killing myself...just thought about it so its not serious enough for that. i just need someone to tell me im not stupid or too hard on myself for no reason. just one.