friends dont help

[horsie_gurl]

I've read about depression a lot lately..and all the symptoms seem to be there. They also say you should confide in someone and get help. The only person i ever felt comfortable talking to seems to be convincing me this is all another phase. I'm just too hard on myself sometimes and he wishes i was just a less critical person. he said all my friends can tell when i get like this.

what the fuck does he want from me? He wants me to try and change. what the hell does he thing im doing. That im acting like this for attention or to get back at someone? I'm trying to change! I tell myself to be that perfect girl i used to be. The one who enjoyed friends, and talked on the phone, and smied, and didn't worry if i made a mistake. there was always next time

no, i can't do anything right. my art, that i used to do with ease is all wrong. i can't do it. nothing looks like what i imagine and want. and my tennis. used to be a leisurely thing i did when i got pissed, but now it is the source of stress. im overweight i know. and i've tried thing and i run and i play tennis for hours and yet i come home and eat. i want to lock myself in my room and starve.

i dont want to cry every night. thinking about how alone i am. They claim to be my friends but they all just stand and watch me curl up and die, they just tell me its just another phase and i will get over it in a month. what if i dont?

I want to go take a bath and just lay there under the water. you know what a beautiful sight that is? the roof of your bathroom through the swaying water. thats the way to go. and i dont ever want to see anoter art pad or tennis racket, or "friend". or father who expects me to do well...not encourage, just expects. or mother who is too busy to get off the damned phone when i invite her to a game. or sister who can go one day without beating me or saying "hate".

i just want to die and start over. but i know i cant start over and thats the only thing that makes me walk past the bathroom into my room to sleep tonight and keep life going in the same dull pattern.

I think its depression, but i can't tell my parents. we can't afford doctors, and i haven't ever really tried killing myself...just thought about it so its not serious enough for that. i just need someone to tell me im not stupid or too hard on myself for no reason. just one.

 

[TheBLA]

Okay, let me be the first person to say you are not stupid at all, you are not being hard on yourself for no reason, you are acting 164% normal and fine if you ask me and I can understand you quite well and so can many people here as well and they'll tell you the same! :smile:

When I read what you say, its amazing how much of it rings so absolutely true, wow, I hope I can just get you to believe that you are absolutely normal for feeling the way you are and I'm so sorry that the people you know offline cannot understand you, but the thing is that I can understand their position as well. Depression and suicidal thoughts, its not something we are comfortable with to see in our loved ones and many times, we abandon them, get frustrated with them and say the hell with it, when its just more love and support is what they exactly need!!!

I feel that once you go through depression yourself, really serious depression that feels oh so horrible, hurts you so much physically and emotionally, then you can truly understand how other people who suffer like this truly feel as I can understand how you feel now but maybe couldn't have a few years ago. I'm sure if your friends went through this, they would be so much more sympathetic to your plight.

I'm afraid I have no friends myself, but hey, I'm abnormal and different from everyone else, but okay, forget about that. Yes, its VERY MUCH true that often you can have so many friends that care about you and the second you have the depression you have now, boom, they get upset and bitter at you, frustrated, can't understand at all whats happening with you as what is happening with my parents to me for instance.


If you ask me, for people to confide in, your friends are almost always the worst choice, I think it would be way way way better to talk to an adult, a teacher, principal, counselor, priest, etc.

All I can say in the end is that you have every right to feel the way your feeling right now, its all absolutely, perfectly normal and a lot of people go through this exact thing, I just wish I knew what I could do know to say to make you feel better, sorry.

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to the forum. As nkrukato said, the things you are feeling are not all that odd. Telling friends about being depressed is not an easy thing. So often they do not understand and it bringa out a little fear. They may even act a little bit strange around you. You may or may not have depression, i am not qualified to say one way or the other. That needs to be diagnosed by a professional. You should speak to someone you feel you can trust that is not necessarily a friend or relative. A school counselor, a teacher, another adult you feel you could trust, if you attend church, maybe your pastor. I am not sure where you are from, but we have a county health nurse. If you cannot afford medical help, the health nurse may know where you can get the help you need. Keep looking for options. The answer is out there somewhere. You are in my thoughts. :hug:

 

[mike25]

You're not stupid. Ignorant people (often members of your own family) put pressure on others to conform to their acceptable standards. Friends do care; they just don't know what to say or do because the experience of depression is alien to them. I think your post clearly shows you're intuitive, which means you're intelligent.

I'd second the tips given by nkrukato and gentlelady with regards to seeking out a trustworthy teacher or pastor to speak with.

For a really beautiful sight, look up at a starry sky on a clear night.

Keep us updated. All the best.

 

[ithurts]

I know exactly how you feel. I recently reached out to some friends who I thought would be understanding and supportive but they weren't. It is really frustrating and makes you feel so alone. I am sorry that you are going through this, too.