Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SkyW, May 8, 2013.

  1. SkyW

    SkyW Well-Known Member

    I posted this in the relationships forum, but I really don't think that's the right place for it...

    Have you ever...
    Felt lonely in a crowded room?
    You're afraid to approach anyone, and you don't really let others in when they approach you.
    Why are we like that? Why do I feel so anxious?
    Non romantic relationships haven't been the best for me. Of course, I haven't had a romantic relationship with anyone before.. There was this one girl I liked, but it turned out she was living a double life and disappointed everyone.. She hurt her family, my family... Everyone. She was living a lie.
    There haven't been too many girls that I really felt I could relate to after that. I don't know. I mean hey; I'm a guy, and I want to be in a relationship... But not just for fun. I want someone who I can really love and spend the rest of my life with.
    Anything less then that wouldn't be fair.

    But that wasn't the worst thing that's happened to me in regards to relationships with people. No, that was nothing compared to what happened recently.
    About 4 years ago, when I was 15, I had an emotional meltdown. I didn't get out of bed for a week, and I cried almost every night for hours at a time.
    One night, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down harder than I had ever broke down in the past. My parents supported me, they really helped me... They heard me crying... And I was praying for help. They were there.
    That night, I begged for a friend... Not a girlfriend, no. Just a friend. Someone I could help just as much as he could help me. Someone I could really love more than myself, someone I could die for. Of course, I didn't view myself as being that great... But I just wanted someone that I could really love without worrying about the physical attraction of boy friend & girl friend relationships.
    Prior to that, I never had a long lasting friend. Most of the time, they left me... Or they were just not the type of people I would be capable of getting close to... 'Friends' that only talked about cars and girls. I was sick of that.
    So anyways, 3 days later, I met a kid my age by chance.
    He was the most hilariously strange thing I've ever met! But he was so cheerful, so seemingly happy... I loved his positive attitude, he went out of the way to be friends with me. So I accepted it. He became my closest friend...
    As we grew up together, he shared some things with me... His dad had been abusive, he didn't feel loved... So I cared about him. I gave him attention. I was the friend he needed at that time. I loved him, and he loved me. When his dad was being an ass, he would come over, and stay the night at my house.
    We would often talk all night, and I could just see him become less tense and start smiling as we did.
    Together, we met more people who we could get close to. I was the glue that kept us all together. When someone had a problem, I would encourage them to talk about it. Communication is the food that lets relationships grow, after all! Nobody is perfect, sometimes people get rubbed the wrong way, I understood that.
    Over time, I began to open up to him, just like he had done to me. We had become so much better over the previous 3 years, and we really treasured each other.
    I told him one day that I had been suicidal, and had a really serious problem with self harming... He was the best friend for me. He really helped me out.

    Then everything went to hell. He started hanging out with this one kid... I felt really uncomfortable around him. I tried giving him a chance, but the way he viewed people and life was just so sick to me.... I really hated it... But I still tried to like him.
    We were both 18 at the time... just a few months after getting to know this kid, my friend got drunk with his new 'friend' at a party, and still drove home. He could have killed someone on the way! I was disappointed, and really sad about it, but I really tried to be encouraging. He seemed like he had a guilty conscience, so I just helped him grow from it, like I always had.... Besides, kids make mistakes. I understand that. That's totally alright, we learn from them.
    Then, he got some of our other friends involved. They got in really big trouble together... I don't want to be specific... But I can't help but say I was a little disappointed in the choices... Still, I tried to be encouraging... I wanted to let him talk about it.
    He decided to move out of state 2 days after, and didnt say a thing to me, so I barely had a chance. I decided to talk to him about why he was acting up... And he told me I had been the worst person for him, I had only discouraged him and made him feel burdened. I cried pretty hard.
    That stabbed me. He was my only peer, my only friend that I could really relate to, and he completely left me.
    He still jabs me every once in a while, trying to make me feel guilty. I still love him, I still try to help and talk to him. I never try to be 'Holier then thou' or pompous... I just try to listen, and be mild. My parents say he must be feeling guilty aboutninvolving his brothers in his bad choices... but I told him straight up, I don't care about that... It was in the past, there was nothing we could change about that. I just want to move on, and grow... But he's still angry, and he still hates me. I've dealt with 9 months of this. I don't blame god or anything like that... This was a choice my so called 'friend' made. He decided to act out like this....
    He puts on this superficial cover of being a partier, but I know him so much better then that... Someone emotionally empathetic, that loves helping people and cares about his friends.
    I suppose bad associations do spoil good people...
    Still, I dont have anyone else. I try to, but there is just nobody I can relate to like that... I don't know If I had just lied to myself about our relationship, or if he really did change... It's hard to say. But i'm terrified to talk to anyone, to get to know anyone, because that was the worst feeling. That hurt so much... And right now, I don't have anyone. The people I could talk to about some stuff are dealing with so much right now.... I don't want to burden them. I'm not suicidal because of this specifically, I've dealt with that for a long time.... But it has made me worse.
    It just isn't fair.... Nothing's really been fair for me.
  2. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    I respect your approach to a relationship - that you want someone to love and spend your life with, not someone you get to fool around with. I used to think that was a rare quality in men, and I guess it still is, but I've met a few guys on here who are looking for a romantic relationship that will last. It's restored my faith somewhat. I guess suffering from depression puts things in perspective and lets you understand what you want from life.

    I'm glad to hear that you've had the support of your parents through the dark times. I think sometimes they are the ones we need the most, even though we may not admit it.

    And I'm so sorry about what happened with your friend. I think there are a lot of people on here who can relate to that. Sometimes our friends can't handle our down and depressed days, and I guess being around us brings them down as well. We realise that they weren't the friend we thought they were - they weren't strong or kind enough to support us. Sometimes people simply grow apart as they age and realise they are interested in different things. I'm 25 now and I was a different person at 18 - same morals, same heart, but different interests. Maybe he's just wanting to do the things the people around him are doing? Maybe he doesn't like that you witnessed him at his worst? It's not nice and I have a lot of hate stored up for the people like that in my life.

    "I suppose bad associations do spoil good people..." I agree with this. We are influenced by the things around us, especially as teenagers. But I think it's best if you leave him be. Trying to talk to him or get fuller answers is only hurting you more.


    I'm sorry you have to go through this.
  3. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hi Sky,

    I feel your pain. It totally sucks to lose your best friend no matter what the circumstances. When I dated, my gf really was my best friend. I felt like my world came apart. I lost a lot of friends during that period. I feel like we all go through these transitionary periods sometimes - being between friends. Your only 20 or so and will have an opportunity to find those friends you need in college, university or work. It just doesn't happen overnight I'm afraind. I'm in this transitionary period myself, but trying to make friends. Don't be afraid to connect to old ones. Your friend who left you, as much as it sucks, as much as you wish things could go back to the way they used to be, might just be gone and you may need to accept it.

    You mentioned how you have anxiety. Have you tried seeing a professional for this? It might be the avenue you need to make more friends. You're only 19-20. Try tackling this problem now rather than waiting until you're older like me. I'm 25 btw.

    The more friends the merrier!