all i want is friends that will stand by my side when i need them. i chase everyone away. i send everyone running when they see what i really am. i'm a fucking loser. dopefiend, drunk, basketcase. everyone i have ever cared about in my life has left my side. no one can deal with the shit running through my insides. i sent the one person i love running. i iunderstand why too. she can't deal with the shit i've already put her through. i apologize. but i warn ppl before they get to close how fucked up i am. some run from there. others stick around for a minute, but eventually everyone runs. leaving me to my own devices. i feel fucked up right now, and even worse, i have to see my pdoc today. not good. i'm trying to stay out of my head, but it isn't working very well. this is the worst place to be. my mom asked about my depression yesterday and i lied to her. didn't want her to know. last time she tried having me locked away in a rubber room. we didn't speak for a year. she doesn't understand. nobody does. thats why everyone here in fremont, adn work wlak on eggshells around me. they don't want to push me over the edge. to late, i've been straddling the line of no return for song now. i can't be talked down. won't let it happen. just don't know when. i've been fighting so long and pushed the one person away that was my lifeline. i care more about others. i don't care about me. i need ppl to care about me, because i just don't. theres ppl that say they are my friends (bay area) but they don't understand. tell me stupid shit, like get a support group, talk about your stuff, you'll get over it. fuckk that. no i won't i'm still dealing with it. how much fucking longer do i have to deal with this shit. i'm not even drinking. can't. it hurts my stomach to bad. won't shoot dope. don't want to go to prison for the restof my life. it's bad enough out here in society. there is even worse.