Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lost_soul, Jun 13, 2007.

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  1. lost_soul

    lost_soul Staff Alumni

    all i want is friends that will stand by my side when i need them. i chase everyone away. i send everyone running when they see what i really am. i'm a fucking loser. dopefiend, drunk, basketcase. everyone i have ever cared about in my life has left my side. no one can deal with the shit running through my insides. i sent the one person i love running. i iunderstand why too. she can't deal with the shit i've already put her through. i apologize. but i warn ppl before they get to close how fucked up i am. some run from there. others stick around for a minute, but eventually everyone runs. leaving me to my own devices. i feel fucked up right now, and even worse, i have to see my pdoc today. not good. i'm trying to stay out of my head, but it isn't working very well. this is the worst place to be. my mom asked about my depression yesterday and i lied to her. didn't want her to know. last time she tried having me locked away in a rubber room. we didn't speak for a year. she doesn't understand. nobody does. thats why everyone here in fremont, adn work wlak on eggshells around me. they don't want to push me over the edge. to late, i've been straddling the line of no return for song now. i can't be talked down. won't let it happen. just don't know when. i've been fighting so long and pushed the one person away that was my lifeline.
    i care more about others. i don't care about me. i need ppl to care about me, because i just don't. theres ppl that say they are my friends (bay area) but they don't understand. tell me stupid shit, like get a support group, talk about your stuff, you'll get over it. fuckk that. no i won't i'm still dealing with it. how much fucking longer do i have to deal with this shit. i'm not even drinking. can't. it hurts my stomach to bad. won't shoot dope. don't want to go to prison for the restof my life. it's bad enough out here in society. there is even worse.
  2. Fatman1966

    Fatman1966 Antiquitie's Friend


    The trouble with Doctors is they haven't been where you are, its a bit like giving some one the manual to fighter jet, then expecting them to know what it feels like to fly one.

    As always I have not got any answers, I have ones that worked for me, but you may well have to find your own.

    If you met yourself, would you end up being friends ?

    Why do you push people away ?

    What are you scared of ?

    What is it you don't want others to know ?

    Are you realy that different ?

    Are you really that bad ?

    Is what you think about yourself, how you feel about yourself or just some other bullshit that others told you, you should think ?

    If you just don't know, like I didn't for a time, then;

    When did you first feel like this ?

    What do you remember happening when you first felt like this ?

    What events now, make you feel worse ?

    Having been where you are now, its very easy to fill your head full of all sorts of bullshit, I'm a loser, I'm weak, I'm stupid, all that sort of shit........... but there in the the back ground, tucked way back in the corner of your soul, hiding away from the light, in that darkest corner of you life, is the thing you are looking for, you know it, I know it, all us folks on this board know it I think, we just choose, to some extent to; ignore it, just can't face it or its been so long we forget what it was that made us this way in the first place.

    It sounds harsh, but take a long hard look in the mirror, I did, I reached that certain point, the darkest hour, all ready, all sorted, no one would ever know it was my own doing, but in that instant, I asked myself why ? with out all the clutter of the bullshit that builds up in your mind over time, real, honest, last chance thinking ? a moment of clarity and I had no fucking clue.

    That was the start of the road to getting better for me ?
  3. genuinerisk

    genuinerisk New Member


    I'm addicted, although not to a drug or alcohol, but to being abused and the drama involved -- which is like a drug in that I live for that emotional adrenaline. I, too, feel like a loser, and have been told as such since a child (sexual abuse by uncles, father, husband, etc.). I often times find myself screaming inside "I'm here, I'm here! I exist, I'm an individual, can you see me?!"

    Thus, I, too, push people way b/c I don't want them to see the real me, the 'me' that has been imposed by abusive individuals.

    If you like, please review the below link, you may find a local chapter:
  4. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    wowwe sound iek twins.. im a huge fu cking dopefiend and i dont undestrand why i cant have any real true frinds who actualy care .
    ps so sry abot typing im drunk.
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