Frightening myself that I'm actually seriously considering it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keith002, Feb 15, 2016.

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  1. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    Dear All,

    This is my first post on the forum. A little background story, my wife left me 7 years ago (no one else involved, I had just been taking her for granted) and she cut off all contact. She was the loveliest and kindest person I’d ever met, literally one in a million (others also said so too) . she has since remarried and is happy.

    I moved to a new area a few months later (for work) and since then I have been living in an apartment. During his time my friends have one by one dissipated, one moved to another area through work, one began telling lies and asking for money. Anyway, the upshot being my family are all too busy with their own young families (or just not bothered about me, or shout at me calling me weak etc when I bring up the subject of loneliness ) and I have no friends left. I have tried my best to integrate and make the effort, including going to church events, and volunteering for a charity nearby. I am quite shy though and find these things difficult. I received a lot of abuse as a child (not sexual, just verbal and emotional, I had a stutter, I was short, fat, couldn’t do phys ed , so although I wouldn’t call it “bullying”, I’ve became sensitive and introverted, or overcompensate and sometimes I am loud and humourous, often described as “overbearing”, which makes people stay away from me. So you can imagine how attached I got to this kind, lovely lady who enjoyed my company, and how devastated I was when she left. I went to see a doctor a year or two ago who referred me and they diagnosed generalised anxiety disorder. I also take prescribed zopiclone sleeping tablets each night to sleep, and propranolol to bring down my hyperactivity/nervous edginess.

    So, for 7 years, I have got on with my life, trying to meet someone else, going to work, paying my bills etc, but never really been happy. The loneliness, however, is like a heavy blanket I cannot shake off (and believe me I’ve tried many time). Ive been rejected by friends, members of my family, people at work, and of course ladies (ive been using dates and several have just looked me up and down and walked away, brutal rejection)

    I go days without a single word to anyone or a phone call, (apart from work of course) and what is worrying me is that I have actually started to think of suicide as a perfectly justified, logical conclusion to end my pain. I have even started to plan it. <gentlelady-methods> I am frightened that one night when I am really drunk, I will actually do this.

    I have not reported my feelings to anyone at all, I don’t trust my doctor, no family, no one, as I just feel embarrassed. I don’t want taking to hospital and having to explain my absence at work, nor am I “crying for help” , I’d rather slowly just drift away with no fuss.

    I am frightened of my thoughts, but also relieved that once I do take the tablets, the internal pain of the last 7 years will go.

    What can anyone suggest please ? oh and thanks for reading this far !

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2016
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I would really suggest you got some help to deal with this, there are many kinds of therapy and treatments, it's not always just getting you 'locked up' in a psych ward. I get that fear a lot for myself... but really it's not.

    There is no shame in needing help. You've been through a lot, and depression is difficult to deal with. And it's something that needs treatment when you've reached the point you have.

    You deserve more. You sound like a really good person!

    Take some care of yourself. *Hugs*
  3. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    thanks for your reply, and sorry to moderator if methods were breaking the rules, it won't happen again.

    ive been to 3 x 12 week sessions of CBT in last few years, none really did any good, I tried counselling recently but the lady didnt really do me much good, just kept on about my mother and unhappy childhood, upsetting me (What is the point of upsetting myself and blaming my mother who is now very elderly ? I want to let that go and concentrate on the future) she also tried to hoodwink me into religion.

    I refuse to go to my doctor or medical centre as it is embarrassing , I would just clam up. I dont want any of this on my medical record as I would instantly lose my job.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear you are in such pain, but please take the option of suicide off the table. The future is not something that can be predictable and who knows what wonderful things may be in store for you? The way you are feeling now does not have to be this way forever. Set small attainable goals for yourself to change the things you would like to be different about your life. It may not be easy, but it is worth it in the long run.
    sahel likes this.
  5. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    To be honest, Ive hung around "waiting for my life to change" for 7 years now, and I dont know anyone else thats had to wait that long.
    Thats 7 years without a vacation (I went on one alone in 2012 but felt lonely and self conscious, so I didnt enjoy it, and I havent been on one since), 7 years spending all my free time alone, no cinema trips, no days out, no concerts (I used to love going to rock concerts) , no nice restaurants, no company or recreational activity of any kind. I have started to describe my apartment as my "prison cell". I feel self conscious when I go to places alone, (such as the cinema, which I have done a few times) as - it may not be obvious to anyone else, but I know WHY I am alone that that makes me self conscious in itself.
    When will it end ? 10 years ?30 ? I dont want to wait that long, thats why I am all out of ideas, and if this is how my life will be now, then I don't want it. and I don't want to hang around alone for 20 years "just in case" something turns up.
  6. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    All I want is some nice company, and not to be alone. Ive tried everything I can think of (volunteering for charities, joining social clubs, seeking medical help several times) and I am still at square one. I am not Brad Pitt and no ladies seem interested either. I've been on the dating sites quite a lot, seeking companionship but finding mostly degradation. Mostly a waste of time, including several that just looked at me, turned around and left, one that said they were going to the bathroom and never returned (so I was sat for 20 minutes waiting for her to come back! Like a dork I sat waiting) and to be honest I don't think my self confidence could take another beating to my self confidence like that at the moment, so I am staying away from them for the time being.
    Believe me, I am an intelligent guy and have racked my brains, tried everything I can think of, to rebuild my life, all to no avail. I Know I am overbearing, sometimes loud and sometimes clash with people (I could write you a long book on relationships Ive ruined), its pretty clear no one wants me, not my family, not friends, and certainly not potential lady friends , least of all my ex wife !
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Why not try some more social clubs? Do you have some hobbies and interests? What about sports teams is that a possibility?

    What about dating sites? Or dating chat sites where you get to know people a bit at first?
  8. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I think that part of the problem is "waiting for life to change" - life doesn't change all on its own - not for the better anyway. What makes you think that you will lose your job if you go to the doctor? Why would your job even know what you are going to the doctor for? Mental illness and depression are not things to be embarrassed about - a medical condition that you do not / cannot control is nothing to be ashamed of and it needs the attention of a medical professional.

    I have no idea why someone would be so incredibly rude as to simply walk away from someone based on looking at them but clearly those women are not worth your time and energy regardless. I have numerous friends who have found love via online dating but it certainly takes perseverance and a lot of dates to find someone that clicks.

    Have you tried joining a Meetup? I joined a Meetup and it was a nice social experience if nothing else. And the good thing about it is that most of the people that join a Meetup do so because they are looking for friends.

    I am not sure what you mean by overbearing but if you know that you do things that 'turn people off' then it might be worth working on those things or getting some help to work on those things from a therapist.
  9. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    thanks very much for your lovely replies so far, really constructive and useful. I do appreciate them !
    Re: not seeing my doctor, I have a responsible position with clients that depend on me and I cannot take any unpaid time off. If I was held in hospital for any reason for any period, they would go somewhere else and I would lose my income. My job includes certain people requesting my medical records (if they wanted to) so I certainly couldnt have anything like this showing up. I am terrified of that, anything on my medical record and my whole livelihood etc would fall apart quickly.

    I agree re lots of dates, and Ive been on lots myself, one or two have clicked, many not. not in a rude way, just no "spark". in 2014 I had several nice dates, but in 2015 they all seemed to be bad ones, and I have been burned about 4 times on the bounce now, hence my reluctance to line myself up for more degradation , but just for the moment, I will try them again I expect, at some point. If I'm still here !

    I have tried meetup and other social clubs, but to be honest I book them, get ready, get half way there then turn around and go home again. Self conscious at being alone (and knowing why I am alone, as explained above), my stutter, general lack of self confidence makes me just become timid and go home. Ive done that lots of times. I evne avoided our annual Christmas family get together. Some member of my family love me, some do not speak to me so to avoid the trouble I made an excuse about work and didnt go.
    I am 45 now, so any hyperactivity, overcompensating, shyness is inbuilt into my personality and I dont think I can change now, some people like me , some dont, I guess thats just life - too late to chance now. 3 x 12 sessions of CBT did nothing for me.

    thanks for your input but Ive been like this for several years now, Ive tried everything (volunteering for charities, dating websites, social clubs etc) but none have got my a decent friend, I'm starting to feel "natural selection" has made the decision for me that I am just excess to requirements now, just sat in my apartment, watching TV until I say "enough is enough" and take control, by choosing not to allow 7 years of this to become 8 years.
  10. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    By the way, sorry if my replies sound defeatist or negative, but I really have gone to the nth degree to change things around, I've picked myself up and tried again lots of times through the 7 years, through periods of unemployment, been on lots of dates even when previous ones have been brutal to be self confidence, I've tried again, I have racked my brains for years trying anything and everything, and nothing but nothing is even beginning to diminish the loneliness and hurt I feel each day. I feel "all out" of ideas now, and waiting so long I am asking myself if I am prepared to tolerate another however many years of this on the "off chance" things might improve. I simply cannot accept the crying with loneliness when I get home from work on Friday knowing a weekend of solitude stretches before me, the drinking out of pure boredom, just to end the day quicker, the ringing around my friends & family and theyve all got plans, all got visitors, all got something, they can never talk. All I do is sit and worry about work problems, and I think its literally driving me crazy.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hear ya what you're saying nothing negative about what you're explaining. Its simply what happened.

    Regarding loneliness don't need to allow yourself to feel that. Its all about the perspective. People stuck in a bad relationship wish they were completely free from this whole thing. While the single person wish they were in a relationship no matter what price to pay.

    Just saying the grass is probably greener on your side of the fence for many people especially ones who don't have a job, health, roof over their head has someone beating them up everyday etc just cant judge other people wheN walking by them. I am sure you're a very geniune person just keep a smile on your face when volunteering or being out and about you never know who is watching you from afar mustering their courage to say hi.
  12. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    Thanks for hose thoughtful , and insightful words so far.
    I know its not just me, and I am certainly not self pitying, I have tried / continue to try to take any steps necessary to change the situation. To the point of exasperation, in fact.

    I do keep a smile on my face at work, when meeting people etc, often too much to others (Overcompensating, coming across as overbearing etc) but as described above, theyre often tears of a clown, jsut wanting people to like me, trying too hard etc.
  13. Persephone2

    Persephone2 Active Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
    From my perspective, as long as you have a job, you can pay your bills and get treatment somewhere. If you don't feel like you can go through your doctor, there may be a local support group - or online like here. My own situation is worse, yet as long as I had a home, I was able to find things I enjoyed in life. Do you think having a pet might help? A pet is non-judgmental, gives us a reason to live, and gives back unconditional affection and love. 45 is still too young to give up on life.
  14. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    Thanks for your replies so far .
    I used to have a pet , but I work long hours now and it would be cruel to keep it locked in the house all day. Also, I live in an apartment block now and pets are not allowed . But I agree that a pet would give me a good purpose .
    I really have tried all sorts of things , social clubs etc , but to no avail . I'm quite shy around strangers so I was uncomfortable , but I did attend many events, even though I was uncomfortable I pushed myself to do it .
    I really have tried everything , maybe there's something in my demeanour that puts people off , but I have tried and been rejected many times
  15. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi hope you are doing ok.
  16. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi hope you are doing ok.
  17. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for the way you feel. You are no longer alone as we a very caring online community who support each other. I know you are alone but let's help you in your struggle to find some support here. Be strong and I plead with you from with the bottom of my heart to forget about any plans. I know you are hurting but we are here for you. Keep posting here and let's help you move forward with your life.
  18. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    I went to the doctor and told them everything .
    They have prescribed me some sertraline 50mg , and I feel relieved just for having spoken to someone about it . I have no plans any more and I will just take each day as it comes . I also hope the sertraline work !
    Thank you for your support so far , it's a great forum you have here !
    Persephone2 and Jenumbra like this.
  19. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support SF Supporter

    so happy you went to see your dr and that u don't have any plans anymore if u need to talk please feel free to pm me anytime my name is aimee I am also on sertraline and it helps a lot well done hun
  20. Keith002

    Keith002 Member

    Thanks a lot aimee , that's very nice of you !
    So do sertraline work then ?
    With guilt, anxiety etc too ? I was diagnosed with GAD I think there might be some PTSD too
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