Been crying on and off all evening. It just comes in waves, over and over and I dont know why. well obviously sadness but I'm tired of it. And so here I sit with a delightful frog impression on my mug. I hurt inside, its a longing for someone and something that is gone, that will never return. Its not just one thing, one person - its a combination of a lot of things but primarily one person. Its that pity party time again, has been for the last couple of weeks. Stupid. Feeling much pressure re work and its just adding to anxiety. Its the start of the year with what could be endless possibilities but which feels and looks like an endless pit of darkness, worry, sadness and anxiety right now. Honest? I've a longer term plan for "things" if I get that far. I know I'm not in a good place currently, I can see that and feel that. Have been taking more meds than I should to try and rest, along with alcohol. Stupid? yes, of course. But I need to try and sleep. I'm disgusted with myself for more reasons than I care to share. I'm not sure what to do honestly. I don't want to deal with tomorrow, or next week or next month etc. I can't handle or deal with the thought of what needs to be done, its overwhelming. Feels too much, yet again. How to be honest with someone who could help?? Do I want that help? How to admit it?