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Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by LastCrusade, May 2, 2008.

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  1. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member


    Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

    "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.


    "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.


    "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

    "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

    "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating As*hole!!"

    Too Much Teasing . . .

    It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
    are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
    loose-fitting, pink spring
    dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
    jeans and a T-shirt.

    The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
    the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
    gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
    up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
    grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
    obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

    The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
    He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
    The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
    at him, and play along.

    She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
    noises that would wake the dead.

    Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
    fall to show a little more skin.

    She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

    "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
    it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
    and now he's doing flips.

    Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
    door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
    and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a
    headache . . . "

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."


    Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

    But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

    "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

    "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"


    For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
    night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
    his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
    would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
    raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
    turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
    born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
    and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child
    support payments to begin.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
    "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh,
    just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed
    and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
    Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."


    A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.



    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

    She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

    She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

    She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

    The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

    She asks, "Really? What's that?"

    The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"


    A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

    A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

    The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."


    Honeymoon at Home:
    Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
    back to
    Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

    In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
    breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his
    if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, "No".

    Johnny asks,
    "Do you know what I think?"

    His Mom replies,
    "I don't want to hear what you think!
    Just go to school."

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks
    his Mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    She replies, "No."

    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

    His Mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
    Eat your lunch and go back to school."

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

    "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    His Mom says, "No."

    He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His Mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

    He says:
    "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave
    my airplane glue."


    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

    Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

    "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

    "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

    "Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

    As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

    The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

    Husband : Honey, I'm proud to have you as a wife. Every time when I lose my temper on you, you will keep quiet and listen to all my yelling and shouting.

    Wife : That's my responsibility darling.

    Husband : How you actually tolerate me?

    Wife : It's easy dear. Every time you did that, I'll go and wash the toilet.

    Husband : Huh? Does it help that much?

    Wife : Yes, coz I use your toothbrush.


    A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

    Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

    Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

    His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."


    A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

    She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

    A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted and refuses to let him up.

    Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"
    `Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.' - Vernon Sanders Law
  2. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Jack and Don were at a bar having a few drinks, and Jack was complaining about his live-in girlfriend.

    "I'm telling you, Don," Jack grumbled, "I've just about had it with her. She keeps bringing her work home, night after night. I'm seriously contemplating moving out and ending the relationship."

    "I can understand how that could be annoying," Don replied, "but just because she's interested in her career doesn't sound like a good enough reason to end the relationship."

    "It is if your girlfriend's a hooker," insisted Jack.
    Nun and the Hippie

    A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way Bob the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

    Well the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.

    The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
    Girls night out

    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

    "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.

    "So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"

    "Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
    Reading in Bed

    A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside light on to read a book.

    As he was reading, he paused, reached over and started fondling his wife's p*ssy. He did this only for a short while. Then he resumed reading his book.

    He did this several times and his wife became gradually more aroused. She thought her husband was seeking some sort of response as an encouragement to go further. She got up, and stripped in front of him. The husband was confused by this behavior.

    He asked, "What are you doing? Why are you taking off your night shirt?"

    The wife replied, "You were fingering me, I thought it was foreplay and that you wanted to make love tonight."

    The husband said, "No, not at all."

    The wife asked, "Then what the hell were you doing?"

    The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
    Buying Tampons

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".

    He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
    Couple in Heaven

    This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity.

    The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.

    The husband sneered,... "If it weren't for you and your God damned oat-bran muffins & all that health food crap, we'd have been here 15 years ago!"
    Something For The House

    The husband hadn't arrived home at his usual hour and his wife was getting more and more angry the later it got. Finally, she heard him arrive home in the early hours of the morning, drunk as a skunk.

    "Do you have any idea what time it is?" she screamed at him.

    "Don't go getting all excited, honey," he stammered. "I'm late because I bought something for the house."

    Hearing this, she excitedly ran down the stairs to meet him and asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

    "A round of drinks!" he replied.
    A Day At The Fair

    Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars."

    One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

    "Fred, that airplane ride cost hundred dollars, and hundred dollars is hundred dollars," Ethel replied.

    The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the hundred dollars."

    Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word.

    When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word."

    "Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but hundred dollars is hundred dollars."
    Window Cleaner

    Jim was making love to his wife the other day and she kept calling out the name of the window cleaner ... Jim was a little suspicious I can tell you ... until she got up and closed the curtains.
    Concerned Family

    Eighty-five year old Grandpa had just broken the news to his family - he was going to marry a twenty-five year old nymphomaniac.

    Upon hearing his news, the family became quite concerned. Taking him aside, his daughter said, "Dad, we're very concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove to be fatal."

    "So what!" exclaimed Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies!"
    To be 10 again.

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

    I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
    A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple doesn't have a guest room, the friend says he'll find a nearby hotel and be on his way in the morning.

    "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we are all friends here." The husband agrees, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

    After a while, the husband begins snoring. The wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me," he says.

    "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."

    The friend does and, sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked from his butt. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

    After about twenty minutes, she's back on his side of the bed asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's butt, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the fifth or sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side of the bed.

    The husband then rolls over and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that your screwing my wife, but must you use my butt for a scoreboard!"
  3. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Jim took his blind date, Kelly, to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kelly?" Jim asked.

    "I want to get weighed," Kelly said, so they went over to the weight guesser. He guessed 125 pounds. Kelly got on the scale, it read 122 and she won a prize.

    Next, they went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jim again asked Kelly what she would like to do.

    "I want to get weighed," Kelly replied.

    Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had already been there, he guessed her weight correctly and Jim lost his dollar.

    They walked around the carnival and again, Jim asked her what she would like to do next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

    By this time, Jim thought she was really weird and took her home, dropped her off and ended the evening with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date. "How did it go?" asked Laura.

    "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!" Kelly moaned.

    A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She's dressed in a sexy little nightie.

    "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."

    So, he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.

    A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.

    "I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.

    "My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."

    "Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.

    "Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

    The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

    That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

    His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"


    A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

    "Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

    "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

    "No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

    Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

    While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

    "That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

    "Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

    Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
    The Decision Is Yours

    A husband and wife were dining at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, plants a big kiss on the husband, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

    The wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!?"

    "Oh, that's my mistress," replies the husband.

    "That's it! I've had enough! I want a divorce!" demands the wife.

    "Ok, dear," the husband replies, "but do remember, if we get divorced, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in the Caribbean, no more summers on the Riviera, no more Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

    Just then, they notice a mutual friend enter the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

    "Who's that woman with Bill?" asks the wife.

    "That's Bill's mistress," her husband replies.

    "Oh, ours is far prettier!" the wife declares.

    He was 80, she was 20. It was the talk of the town when they got married.

    A year later she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse who congratulated the old geezer said, "You are amazing! How do you do it at your age?"

    "You got to keep that old motor running," he said with pride.

    The following year the young bride gave birth again.

    "Wow," says the nurse.

    "You certainly are quite the man. How do you keep doing it?"

    Same answer, "Just got to keep the old motor running."

    A year later, along comes baby number three.

    The nurse remarks, "Still got that old motor running, eh?"

    "Sure do," he says.

    The nurse tells him, "Well, you better change your oil. This one's black!!"
  4. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Blonde Revenge

    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

    She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

    Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

    Who's Guilty?

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

    The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
    - "Shit!, that must be my husband!"

    So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

    Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
    - I'm your husband, you slut!!!

    So the woman answers:
    - Oh, yeah?!! And why were you f***ing running?!! You son of a b*tch!

    High Price Hooker

    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye.

    He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

    Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

    Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

    The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


    "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"


    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


    "Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

    Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

    They retire to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

    He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

    The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

    $1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

    The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

    Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

    He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

    He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

    He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

    The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.

    Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."
    Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, 'I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!'

    'What do you mean?'

    'Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife.'

    'That's terrible! Can we do the test over?'

    'Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.'

    'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

    'The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her!'

    Rodney sat in his attorney's office.

    "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" asked the lawyer.

    "Give me the bad news first."

    "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""

    "That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

    "It's of you and your mistress."

    Hairy Chest

    A wife tells her husband that she wants a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

    "Ha," snorted her husband. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you grow hair on your chest!"

    On hearing that, she hiked up her dress, pulled down her panties and thrust her pubic area forward. "There," she snapped, "I have hair on my chest. Now buy me a fur coat!"

    "Silly woman, that's not your chest," he snapped back.

    "Damn right it's my chest," she argued. "Before we married, it was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Since then, it has become our family chest ... and if you don't buy me a fur coat, it will soon be the COMMUNITY CHEST!"

    A Good Dentist

    A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

    They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

    He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

    The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

    The guy, surprised, says " did you figure that out?"

    "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

    One thing led to another and they make love.

    After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

    The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

    "Didn't feel a thing!"

    Lust, Love or Marriage?

    Home Ahead of Schedule

    Although scheduled for all-night duty at the station, a police officer was relieved of duty early and arrived home at 3AM, a few hours ahead of schedule.

    Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, quietly crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed when his sleepy wife sat up and said, "Sweetheart, I have a horrible headache. Would you mind getting me some aspirin from the all-night drug store?"

    "Sure, honey," he replied. Feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

    When he entered, the pharmacist looked up in surprise and asked, "Hey, aren't you Office Fields?"

    "Yes, I am," replied the officer.

    "Then why are you wearing the Fire Chief's uniform?" the druggist asked.

    Petty Argument

    A husband and wife were having a petty argument and both were unwilling to admit they might be in the wrong.

    In an attempt to reconcile, the wife said, "I'll admit I'm wrong, if you'll admit I'm right."

    The husband agreed and, being a gentleman, insisted she go first.

    "I'm wrong," the wife said.

    "You're right!" the husband replied, with a twinkle in his eye.

    How Old Am I?

    A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

    The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''

    The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''

    The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''

    The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''

    After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''

    So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''

    The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''

    The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

    Who's the Boss?

    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
    As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

    "I can't wear your trousers." she said.

    "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

    With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

    "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

    She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

    What Do I Look Like?

    A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
    The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"

    A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

    "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

    He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

    One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

    His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

    She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

    "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

    <removed> Coffee

    This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
    The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

    The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him <removed>?"

    The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

    "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the <removed> into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

    The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

    Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

    "How did it go?" the doctor asked.

    "Terrible, doctor, terrible."

    "Did it not work?"

    "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

    "Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

    "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

    Ten Cents

    A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
    "$398.10," she said.

    "Who paid ten cents?" he asked.


    Would You Marry Again?

    A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

    "Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

    The husband said, "Never, my dear."

    The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

    So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

    "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

    And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

    Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

    "I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."

    Gas Grill

    A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
    Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. ''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about the same size.''

    The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

    When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''

    The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ''What's the matter?'' he asked.

    She replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''

    The Devoted Wife

    A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
    As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?''''

    ''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.

    ''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
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