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From Loser to Winner to Loser - My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rancid, May 31, 2014.

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  1. rancid

    rancid New Member

    So I started to become chronically depressed which only worsened as I aged. I believe it started when I was 8. Parents are selfish with terrible emotional and self esteem issues who should never have had the right to conceive. To summarize; Mom is a few wire-crosses short of self-combustion. Ego driven, superficial maniac that is incredibly angry and would just scream, scream, scream 24 hours a day. In any other previous time period she would have been taken out back behind the barn and put out of her misery like a rabid dog. Dad has some self-esteem issues, and would basically put me down my entire life. Never encouraging and hardly ever speaking; when he did it was only to criticize or insult.

    So after 18 years of just this, was enough to permanently screw me up for the worse. Such as making me depressed, quiet and have a low self esteem. Needless to say my entire life people always would start to clue in after seeing me enough and realize that I never smiled and that I was “off”.

    From 8-18 yrs old was the worst. At 10 I moved away from the house I grew up in, leaving my best friend (next door neighbour). To move to a big house isolated from anyone I knew, simply because my Mom needed more luxury to sit on her ass all day in. This was when the decline started for me.

    In elementary school and most of highschool I was a loser, never really fit in and started skateboarding to try too. I was awkward looking. Head was too big for body, thick wavy ratty hair and a terrible personality from a lifetime of shitty up bringing. Constant depression was a daily thing — I used to skip class 1-2x per week to come home and basically cry and watch anime to try and zone out.

    At 16 started boxing to because it was violent, independent, and I wanted to get “teh abs”. I started out strong and my couch saw potential in me when I knocked a fully padded grown man over by punching him. I became so obsessed with getting “teh abs” and the idea of success that I ended up training so hard that I actually became ill from it. 5am sprinting cardio before school + 1 hour of weight training at school + 4 hours of boxing classes on literally a 1200 calorie diet I made for “teh abs”.

    Needless to say when you exercise 6 hours a day and require 4000-5000 calories to function and only eat 1200 you will get ill. My obsession to get good led to my self-destruction in this regard. Either way boxing never made me happy, I remember looking in the mirror at myself after a tournament and hating what I saw. Ugly, acne, bulbous head and scrawny body, I looked like sh1t and wanted to curl up in a corner and die.

    Quit boxing but kept weight training at school. I seemed to have a naturally ability at this (the only thing in my life I ever have had for). Within a week I had gained 5lbs and my arms grew probably .5 inches — I was hooked.

    For the next 2.8 years I obsessively worked out, but I did it smart this time. Skipping parties, friends, drugs, alcohol (I still havent drank a pop in over 5 years to this day); I became obsessed with weight training.

    The truth of this world is its very very shallow and superficial. As I grew guys that used to take no notice, insult me or even bully me, were sucking up to me left and right. Telling me I was huge, wanting to hang out with me, etc, etc. I was physically growing for the better but my mind was still tarnished and depressed from years of wear.

    I eventually got a long term girlfriend at 18, and we lasted till I was just about 20. I was so obsessed with weight training I would hardly ever sleep in the same bed as her as I needed full REM for growth.

    By the time I hit 20, I was 230lbs of muscle from 155lbs scrawny. I would go as far as saying I was one of, if not the biggest natural bodybuilder in my city at my age.

    I had just broken up with my gf at this point and was working a new job. Was upset but didnt let it stop me, the relationship kind of died before it died, if you know what I mean.

    At this new job I started to notice a shift in how people reacted to me. Apart from guys, nearly every girl I even glanced at seemed to fall for me. I hadnt noticed it but while every guy my age was wearing stupid hoodies, reaking of pot and wearing ridiculous clothes; I was rocking 18.5″ arms and dressed like Ryan Gosling from that bar pickup movie. Younger girls thought I was mature, and older women thought I was 25-30yrs old. Around this time, I had been getting a lot of attention and was going out with a few girls that were about 8-11 years older than me.

    However, my mind was still set in “loser mode” even though my body wasnt. And this attention and realization; the first good thing in my life started in October and ended that coming january. Literally as I was just starting to finally gain bits and bits of confidence, something bad had to happen.

    I started not sleeping and getting tons of body twitching, anxiety, irregular hear beats; basically a bunch of weird neurological like symptoms. I wanted to quit my crappy labor intensive job because of this but my stupid mother decided to demonstrate her typical lunatic self and just screamed and made threats if I quit.

    Stupidly I continued and went to work on no sleep for the next 3 weeks to please the beast. I ended up getting fired for not being able to “keep up with the pace”. By this time back pain had started setting in. Extreme back pain and extreme twitching. Went to many doctors, physios, chiros, etc. They all either made it worse or said “just let it heal”.

    I was optimistic during this time, I even started working on developing my tarnished terrible personality through things like PUA, self improvement, anthony robbins, wayne dyer and eckart toile. And started doing things I normally wouldn’t; like hang out with friends and go to bars. And because of my obsessive physique I remember getting like 70 girls phone numbers or something like that after about a month of going downtown on the weekends. However, I was in so much pain, tired, angry and depressed that I couldnt really have any real fun because of this. I couldnt even enjoy the stuff I had always thought I would never get, but was now getting. It sucked but I figured I would get better soon and be able to pursue all of this later.

    I even found awesome guy friends who thought I would make them successful as well. I had a pick of deciding who I would move in with in an apartment right above the downtown club scene. Though I was waiting to get better before I moved in with them.

    However, my pain only grew worse and eventually I stopped going out.

    There literally is no surgery that will address this issue, and there was only one solution which was injections. These injections however cost roughly 600$ per treatment and the new doctor I was seeing told me I’d need about 7, spaced 1 month apart.

    I wanted to kill myself but I never lost hope to regain the lifestyle I had only briefly found and lost.

    After a year of this and 12k down the drain, I was still not much better. I could still not even get a back massage, pick up something remotely heavy, bend much or even exercise with light weights without twitching, numbness, extreme pain and insomnia from the prior happening.

    Soon after I got injections in the neck to see if that may help the overall spine and problem. Was put into a neck collar that wasnt properly fitted.

    Now I dont know what happened but within 2 months later, I was had gotten a new problem. The same problem with back had spread over to my neck. Cracking, crunching, popping in my neck and lower skull when I turned my head. I eventually started getting extremely scared, anxious, unable to sleep, jelly like legs, unable to tolerate noises without feeling the need to puke, sunlight made me sick, standing too long made me sick, eyes started to burn, leak and wouldnt open more than half way. Terrible headaches, leg pain, twitching, back pain still, one eye started to sag and look lazy, unable to think, short term memory loss, started reading and skipping words, shaky hands, even got lost in a parking lot, low testosterone (terrible).

    Went back to doctor and was told this “new issue” was likely already there but dormant. Yea right, he just gave me another problem.

    So I ended up getting more injections to actually fix the problem the first one did (paradox mentality kind-of). Anyway that was about 4 months ago and now my where am i?

    Well everything is the exact same except from the injections + time + vitamins I now able to read a little better and think a little clearer.

    However, back is still screwed, neurological symptoms are still there, my eyes still burn and are lazy, cannot even shower without 2 hours or exacerbated syptoms occur. Testosterone is still low, sex drive is lower, IQ is lower, thought processing is harder, pain is still bad, and I still cannot lift a broomstick without pain later.

    There really is no cure for this via surgery or modern medicine as spinal ligament laxity is not studied or known by surgeons or doctors, the only hope was this “stem-cell like” experimental doctor that I had been seeing.

    And all the sympathetic, autonomic and twitching related symptoms that cause motor-function issues (twitching) and neuro-chemical-hormonal issues (low T, memory loss, etc) is all guess work as well.

    It has now been 2.1 months since I have gotten injured and I have only gotten worse with the addition of this neck issue.

    I have gradually reclined in social interactions and life over that time. At the moment I’ve left my room maybe 4 times in 5 months. I sleep sporadic hours, I don’t talk to anyone except to my aunt via phone. I have isolated myself from the world. I cant even have a shower without my eyes burning closed and dizziness and irregular heart beats following for 2 hours after. My body and hormones are completely screwed up.

    I realized early on the world was a cruel superficial place. Therefore I made it my goal to achieve a successful and happy life through 3 things — Health, Wealth and Relationships.

    I had aquired the health goal only to lose it before I could enjoy it, I aquired the relationship goal only to lose it before I could experience any of it.

    Currently as I lock myself into my room I am working on the only thing left — Wealth. Through internet marketing I may earn enough money from making websites to earn off. Currently I am at about 500$/month passive-autopilot income.

    However I really have no motivation for money because it will not fix me. Even if I made a million dollars; just like the other two life goals I would not be able to experience it because I will most likely kill myself anyway.

    I am just doing this as an escape to reality so I dont kill myself right now; for some last purpose maybe.

    I went from complete loser — to winner — to loser again, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna walk through the world living with the feelings that I had from 8-18 all over again. If I can’t regain my physique (health) and relationships, I would rather die where I stand.

    The mental pain of knowing the life I always wanted could of happened and the fact that I lost it, is too much to bear. I’d much rather burn out than slowly fade away.

    People that say suicide is a solution to a temporary problem — I disagree. It is choosing to turn off the console when the game can not possibly be won.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Rancid, firstly welcome to the forum. Wow, you let it all out on first post which took some courage to do. your have come to a wonderful place where nobody will judge you but give you support during you time of need.

    You are NOT loser but currently down on your luck. You have gone through a lot in life from being a popular person to being isolated. Like you, I suffered from insomnia but trust me that does not help. You must stop over-thinking and try to turn your life around. Yes, it's hard but with support here YOU can make it. Life is always a struggle whatever or wherever your are. You must speak to someone about the way you feel whether it be a helpline or person. Don't think you are on your own as the people who smile on the outside might suffer the same as you in silence.

    The important thing you did was firstly to pour out your emotion in the above post which is a start. The depression you are feeling is over-whelming at the moment but you need to change your current environment and stop isolating yourself.

    I strongly recommend you go for a walk and take in the fresh air. Like you I'm currently here (well just about) and appreciate each day by waking up and taking in the gasp of air. So don't think your suffering alone in this world.

    Fine, you health is not the best at the moment but do not let that deter you from living your life. You still have a lot to offer in life and REMEMBER that. I might be a stranger but I hope this posts helps you. You are not alone in life and take care. Keep posting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2014
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hey Rancind!
    First of all i must say, for someone with concentration issues and memory lose, and low IQ as you said, you write VERY GOOD!
    It was like reading a well written book! Most of the long posts here are shallow and boring, but while reading your post, i didnt wanted it to end!

    Anyways, i am 29 y/o, when i was about 20 me too, just like you, started an intensive training program at the local gym.
    I started at 55Kg at 1.85m and after a year i was 85Kg of pure muscle.
    And just like you, i had girls, i had friends, my self confidence was sky rocketing! But deep inside i were eaten slowly by a growing manic depression.
    Eventually the depression won, and i had a suicide attempt. But i survived, i must admit that even though many will not agree, for me the suicide attempt was a needed step stone in life,
    after the suicide attempt the depression was gone, at least for a while. Basically it changes something inside me.

    Anyways after a shot while when i was about 23 or 24, my parents left to a different country, leaving me on my own.
    I was on disability and couldnt work, so i ended up running out of money, and eventually attempted to rob a store.
    Its funny how you end up doing really scary things when you dont have a choice.
    Thing is, that im not violent, im actually very good and caring, so crime life wasnt a thing for me.
    Eventually i spent the last money i had and flew to join my parents.

    My parents are far from perfect, in fact just like you, i blame them for all my psychological issues,
    but i didnt had a choice, so i joined them.
    It was hard, i locked myself in my room for most of the day, for 2 years i spent most of my time in a 3x3 room.
    After about 2 years, one day i woke up and said to my self "I will success in life, or i will die trying!!!"
    and just like that, i took 300$ from my dad, and flew away to a different country, with no job, no house, no friends, no nothing!
    You know, its amazing when you taste the taste of freedom, when you dont have to explain yourself to anyone, or to prove anything to anyone,
    i felt completely free, like if i wanted to, i could just be homeless and enjoy it while im at it.
    But, i was amazed by the amount of strength that i had in me, its like a found a secret energy source inside me.
    withing a year i had EVERYTHING i wanted, i rented an amazing apartment, i met young and beautiful girls, i had a motorcycle, i finished a diving course.
    I spent 300$ a week on parties, i lived the dream!

    Eventually after 5 years i decided to start learning some advanced profession, and you know what happened?
    My brain couldn't handle the pressure, the full time job, the finenessial difficulties + studding... was just too much.
    And i ended up with a nervous breakdown!

    Since then i lost everything!
    i cant work, im in huge debts, im forced to live with my messed up dad that destroys my mental state on daily basis.
    Do you want to know how much money im earning each month? 70$ !
    all the rest goes to my dad as "pay or leave the house" thing.

    But, you know what?
    someone wise said one, life is like a roller coaster, sometimes you go up, sometimes down.
    Yeah sure im at the bottom right now, and i dont see any light in the end of the tunnel, but i know its there!
    it may take a year, or 5 years, but i will eventually start going up, and i will do my best to enjoy every moment of it!
    People like us, are the strongest people alive! we survive through all the shit and pain and suffering, and still ending up afloat in the sea of shit!
    Take for example you physical issues, yes you are in bad shape, i am too you know!
    But i can bet money! that you will figure out a way around the pain and the limitations! you know why? because there is no time limit!
    you have all the time in the world to heal yourself, to do what you want with your life!

    Hmm, well i think i wrote enough :)
    If you like you are more then welcome to PM me.

    Try alternative treatments for you back pains, i hear this Chinese stuff do wonders!
  4. Johnny Messina

    Johnny Messina Well-Known Member

    Sorry you feel this way mate.. Do you have correct diagnosis?! What did neurologist said?
    I think what you need to do is MRI, EEG and stuff like that..
    If you manage to overcome your health issues you will be winner again easily ;) so don't give up monster..
    230 lbs of muscle, that's impressive.. How tall are you?
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi rancid - my heart goes out to you in the pain of all of this, I do hope you stay @ SF and come back to read the replies - you see, here people will do their very best with what they know how to do, to try and help. It is tough indeed that we are born, with no choice in the matter, into less than perfect circumstances to less than reasonable people, and have to make the best of things regardless. However, despite all the odds pitted against us, with the curve balls that life throws, the option is always there to reboot the mind so it becomes our friend instead of something else that is working against us. I am sure your reading of the gurus would be along those lines, the only one I've heard of is Eckhart Tolle (only through another's mentioning his name, I haven't read any myself) - but because my mind very much needed a reboot, I have been pursuing this course to bring me out of the pit I was in. It does work, and is a far better way than offing - which is what we do when we think there are no more options left - it's a question of finding the other option for you. I can PM you the details of a wonderful counsellor who does Skype work, if you'd like.
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