From someone you dont know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by joachim, Apr 25, 2011.

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  1. joachim

    joachim New Member

    This is harder than I thought, I was thinking for a good way to start this but I guess there isn't. Guess I'll start my telling something about myself.

    I'm a 22 year old male. I love my parents and my only brother more than anything. I have a good circle of friends. I live in a good country living-wise and technically I aint got nothing to be suicidal about. But I am.

    But in reality, I hurt so much inside I hate myself. I recently moved back to my parents because I lost my job and cant afford living on my own (I find this embarrassing, being 22-years old), I've applied to university every year for the past 3 years so I could get an education... I've felt short every time. I'm applying as we speak but I'm so afraid that once again, I will let everyone down. I've been bullied for most of my life (safe to say from age 7 to present) for being short (161cm) and everytime I ignore that one at the club making remarks at me or everytime I just turn away and tell myself "now now, be cool, things will work out", I feel even more miserable.

    I'm a failure on so many levels. I'm fairly intelligent but I guess I'm lazy. One more reason to hate myself, my lack of faith in everything I do... I'm a massive underachiever. Not to mention that the only person who could help me cope with my life was my beautiful girlfriend, but she left me 3 weeks ago. I miss her so much.

    My problems are minimal, I know. Girlfriend left me... no worries, time will heal. Studying... If I put my full-potential to it, I would make it. Finances, no biggies, there are other job opportunities, I could make a living. But I'm so tired, I'm so fed up with my life. I'm depressed over trivial things in life and it angers me.

    How long I've felt like this? I've been 'slightly' depressed for a longer period of time, but recently I feel like that all the problems I've managed to pull through are piling up me on once. First I was thinking about suicide, just as a way to amuse myself. "How would they react? Will anyone miss me? Would it be painful?". All this eventually lead to my current situation. I see opportunities and it scares me. I love my family so much, a part of me says that YOU CANT DO IT. I'm afraid of the pain. When I go for a ride if I cant sleep, I wish that someone would come and kill me because I cant do it myself. I drive faster than it's safe. I wish a deer cross the street. I wish the bypassing truck would lose control. I wish someone else would do it for me, and it scares me.

    But now I'm sitting here, it's late. I feel so hopeless. I cant keep my head straight and I know if I wanted do die right now, I would go to the basement, xxxxxx and my death would look like a natural cause. I'm sorry for rambling and pouring my guts out but I feel like that I should just die, I'm a burden. Long story short, I want to die.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i don't think you are an underachiever i thing you need some professional help that all. You see if your chemical in your brain is off you can be suicidal okay Get on some meds okay to take depression away it will then help you motivate yourself more the meds will give you energy you didn't have before hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome...from how you feel it sounds like you have done a lot, and are very glad you found us and please continue to tell us what is going on for you...J
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Damn - someone just walked over my grave...
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Joachim, your problems are not trivial by any leap of the imagination - just one alone would be bad, but all together it is a real heavy burden and I'm glad you've unloaded it here.

    You may have depression, as well as the natural down you'd feel right now. After all you are thinking about dying - casually planning it almost and that is a sign your mind is affected by depression.

    Losing a woman is devastating, but would a failure get a beautiful girlfriend in the first place? I don,t think so bro. Whatever it was in you that got you that woman - its still there and there must be something that is attractive to ladies about you.

    So your short - I know many a man who is short but in now way does it limit them with the ladies or work or social life. Maybe you ought to do some kind of exercise, maybe some self defence if you feel a lack of confidence with bullies. I'd just wade in myself - seeing a defeat as a gallant attempt. Maybe I need training! Even so, you usually find bullies soon lose their fear factor when everyone leaves school and grows up. These days bullies get shot by 18 -yr -old's, so, just let them carry on and maybe you can see them limping in a plaster one day buying their heroin - and you can actually feel pity, perhaps.

    Every bully has their own little Vietnam waiting for them.

    As for going back to the folks - been there a few times over the years. Nothing to be ashamed of as many men do this now and woman also. It often works out especially with elderly parents who you can help out. Maybe, not to feel such a passenger, you can help out around the house, do the garden, clear the shed, whatever might need doing.

    You should see a doctor if you still feel this way - or have a word with your folks or maybe your ex girlfriend IF it ended well on speaking terms.

    Carry on with your education - 22 is still young and people go to uni at all ages these days. Maybe you can find some kind of other education in the meantime - any extra skills, first aid, maybe some voluntary work just to keep you in the loop whilst you await to get a place.

    IF you are thinking about suicide, I'd say get to the doctor and set things in place. Many here have been down this route so your not alone and can always know what to expect at any given step of the way whether you get medication and/or counselling therapy.

    Take the help, life can be good again, and you will be able to set aside this notion that you are a failure.

    Hell man, you could give me advise on landing a woman!

    So, stick around.

    There is a purpose after all!
  6. jordan.

    jordan. Member

    I have a lot of the same feelings, and I found myself agreeing with everything you've said, about myself. Intelligent, probably, but I don't apply myself. Wishing someone else would kill me? Oh, definitely. Too afraid to do it myself; it would be easier that way.

    Just got to take everything one day at a time, one decision at a time. Gotta stop thinking long-term, nothing really lasts, you can't predict everything. One step at a time, one little step at a time, until something good comes along, as it must. :)

    If you do want to off yourself, why now? You've made it this far, twenty-two years. One more day can only make it better. :)
  7. joachim

    joachim New Member

    Thank you for your kind words everyone, I highly appreciate them. :)

    And peacelovingguy, yeah, me and my ex are at good terms. We chat every once in a while which is alright. As for my height, it has never been a slowing factor in work and social life, you are right about that. Never really thought about it that way...

    Thanks again for everyone who contributed to this thread, you really made my day... Perhaps I should just take things day-to-day basis, maybe it'll work out. I'm planning on discussing with my folks about the subject and we could get me some professional help, if that would help... I know that this is something that will follow me rest of my help but I dont want to think this way but I cant help it. Perhaps things will take a turn for the better
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