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From The Beginning

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Buggsy2008, Jul 12, 2009.

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  1. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I couldn't think where to start to tell you about what happened to me last night, so I thought the best place to start would be the beginning.

    I was feeling pissed off so I went for a walk, i'd had a row with my boyfriend earlier in the day which is why I was feeling pissed off.

    When I was heading home my ex pulled up in the van and offered me a lift home, so I accepted it... I know I shouldn't have as he has a habit of being violent to me but I was tired and cold and wanted to get home.

    Rather than heading straight to mine he took a detour and pulled in at a layby. He got out of the van and came round to the passenger side.

    He dragged me by my hair into the back of the van and raped me. I wont go into all the sordid details as im sure you can piece it all together.

    I was screaming and crying, the more i did this though it seemed as though he was getting off on it. When it was over he just said 'lets get you home then'... as though we'd had a random bunk up!!

    By time I got in my boyfriend was worrying as he'd been trying to ring me and text me all night but got no replies as I hadnt checked my phone, he lives 3 hours away so cant just pop round either.

    I wasn't going to tell him but he knew something was wrong and dragged it out of me. Now he feels really bad and blames himself for making me pissed off.. I dont blame him, i love him. He keeps pressuring me to tell the police but he doesnt seem to understand that I dont want to tell a load of strangers. Telling you lot on here is different as it's online, i dont have to speak the words out loud.

    This isn't the first time it's happened to me. It's the third.

    When I was thirteen I was raped down a dingy back alley by some asian guy who i thought was my friend.. I didnt tell anyone in my family about it until I was 17.

    I did tell my (then) boyfriend and his sister though as I was really close to them both. It was about seven months after it had happened though, their dad overheard me telling them and one day when i was there on my own he came in and said he'd overheard it. He offered me a shoulder to cry on and took advantage and raped me... Can you believe it?! Not only am i unlucky enough to get raped once but twice in the space of a year by two different people!! It's like something off of eastenders!!

    I think it set a pattern for how i'd be treated by men. When I was sixteen (just) I was friends with a 40 year old woman who lived locally. She was into spanking etc. Her boyfriend was a married man in his 50s. One day I skived off school round hers and he was there.. He said that for skipping school I had to let him spank me, and he forced me over his knee and did it. After I was sat in the other room waiting for them to finish what they were doing and he came in and put his hands down my trousers and touched me.. I was terrified. He didnt go any further though.

    A few weeks later me and a male friend were round there again and he was there again. He spanked the 40yr old woman in front of us and then said it was my turn. I said no and tried to leave the house but he grabbed me. I ended up being stood in the corner shaking with the male friend standing in front of me telling the guy to leave me alone as id said no. Ive never told anyone about what that guy did to me. Not a single person.

    Nothing happened after all that, i'd come to terms with it and was beginning t enjoy sex again (i hated it for a long time).. then last night that happened... and the guy that did it (my ex) was the boyfriend from when I was 13 whose dad had took advantage... talk about like father like son.

    Why does all this happen to me??? What did I do to deserve it?? For four different men to take advantage like this. Perhaps i am to blame in some way...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2009
  2. Gez

    Gez New Member

    Hi everyone, im her current boyfriend of 2 months and she has advised me to join on here due to the way i was feeling about what has happened to her because of her ex.

    i am crazily in love with her and she means the world to me. i really care for her and just want her to be safe and happy but when i find out what her ex does to her then it makes me suicidal in the fact that i cant be there all the time to protect her cos i live 3 hours away nd that suicide would rid me of these feelings.

    She also wont let me have any contact with her ex, it drives me crazy as to why she would still want to protect the person that has caused her so much pain and suffering. He visits her pretending to be friendly then turns and beats her. Yet she still allows him to visit her and i get so worried that she will get harmed again, Last night drove me crazy! i would have killed him if i could get my hands on him! it all dawned on me then that it was my fault (she tries denying it as my fault) but we both know its my fault for pissing her off earlier in the day.

    It just kills me inside knowing i caused it and that i wasnt there to protect her. Buggsy there is nothing wrong with you to make scum want to do that to you! its just you have been unlucky nd been in the wrong place at the wrong time. The problem lies with the sick scum that did those things to you. In my eyes you are perfect, thats why i love you and allways will. Together Forever Remember!

    Your the reason i go no further with the suicidal feelings cos it would mean id leave you, which i never want to do. Although you wont go to the authorities or allow me near him or give me his address etc which i disagree with. we will get through this just like evertyhing else. ive allways been there for you and allways will. i know some of the people reading this will think this is just like a lovey text msg or sumthing i culda sed on the fone, i wanted it to be heard out how i feel both about the situation and the feelings of suicide and the feelings i have for my Lovely English Rose!
  3. Aimee_in_Wonderland

    Aimee_in_Wonderland Well-Known Member

    i know its hard to understand why she still lets this person in to people who have been though that its scary to think how they might react if they say no.
    its horrible for everyone
    and i hope you understand that she needs support now and understanding its clear that you love her very much

    Its not your fault.. its neither of your fault... its the guy that did its fault he knew exactly what he was doing!
  4. Gez

    Gez New Member

    Cheers for the reply, i am allways here to support her and allways love her very much and she knows that and i allways make it known to her :) i like to think of it as his fault which it is! but i still blame myself for her putting herself in the vulnerable position.
  5. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I know it's his fault, and i'm going to try to keep away from him in the future.
  6. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    If you don't tell the police he will most likely rape again.
  7. Gez

    Gez New Member

    Buggsy i am glad that you have made the right choice to stay away from him now, Even though i live 3 hours away i want you to call me if hes at your door pestering you and i will get there as soon as i can, just dont answer the door to him or phone calls or messages, anything! Although Junkie can see from my side and wants you to contact the police just like i do, i know that you really dont want to as it would require you to talk about it to strangers. Thus why i have forced you no further, i will support you in whichever route you want to go whether it is to press charges against him or if you dont, i am allways gonna be there to support you. Just make sure you do everything you can to stay away from him and eliminate contact with him. Dont go putting yourself in vulnerable situations again either, please, i beg you!
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