from the depths of hell

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by TJ, Nov 23, 2010.

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  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    so , this is my story of how i came to realize there's a life out there not just drugs and drinking .

    My name is Esther and im a recovering addict im 25 years old and for most of my life ive strugled with using substances to numb my pain this is my story, of where ive come from and where im at now.

    when i was 10 years of age i started drinking my parents wine , id come home from school and hide in the pantry and drink glass after glass of wine till my pain eased i did this for about 2 years when i was 12 i tried my first drug , ritalin , my friend was on a script of it and she would give me a few every couple of days before skool so i could get thru the day , around this time my mental health became very unstable i was seeing doctors for depression and i also started self harming little was i to know that i would become a slave to drugs and also to self harm . this kept going on till i got kicked outta high skool at the end of 3rd form ( 13yrs old) around that time i was stealing alot of booze from my parents and was smoking pot too , by the time i was 15 my drug use got out of contorl i tired injecting herion at 15 and thankfully i only tried it that once but i was looking for something more to help ease the suffering of my depression and my home life . i was drinking daily and smoking pot on a regualar basis too , by the time i was 17 i was put on medication for my mental health and was also kicked outta home for my drug use , i lived with my youth leaders and that where my self harm took a turn for the worse , not only that but i was using some sort of substance daily and for most of the day as well.

    i did many shifts of house during this time right up till i was 19 where i went home for a short period of time pleading with my parents that i had changed ( only cos i had no where else to go ) , they let me home for a few weeks and then i fell pregant and lost my child , i lost the plot completely i didnt things could get any worse but they did so i took off over to perth australia in hope that i could leave my past behind me and find something better this was the biggest mistake of my life so far as i turned to uppers and drinking heavily trying along the way crack , cocanie dexies and nurmerous other drugs i got hooked on crack for a while and then i shifted to brisbane where the party scene hit me i stayed up for days on end and then crashed and slept off the come down then turn around and do it all over again , i would spend close to a grand on a bender which lasted maybe 3 days if i was lucky enough to space out my drugs enough ,
    my hole life was about numbing the pain from my childhood and teenage years and also the loss of my son . soon after shifting to brisbane on christmas day my grandmother had a serise of hear attacks in which i was called to come home to be with her for her last months , funny enough she got well once i came home and is still alive today .

    during my trip to australia i had got myself a full on relationship and we both moved back to NZ but the worst was yet too come . once we arrived back in new zealand we brought a house and a car together , and started dealing and living on a government benifit rather than working for our money we thought we had the life everyone dreamed off money house car drugs etc , but in reality we had nothing we were using the money to pay our morage to buy our next fix and we were getting a really bad name for us around the city we lived in , soon after we had moved over here i started using on my own while my partner was out having fun with her friends in the living room , i had switced from uppers to downers as i was sick of not sleeping and my anxiety was thru the roof , so opiates lsd and pot became my best friend , isolating in my room and using , i never left the house for a year and a half , things were getting pretty bad and pretty scary , i remeber one night that i was on lsd i saw bugs crawling under my skin so i started burning them out , that was what started my burning addiction

    things went like this for 2 and a half years dealing using sleeping and doing it all over again the next day , it was a sad existance but it was all i knew what to do , stay completely numb so the pain didnt kill me then my partner at the time told me things had to change . soon after that One of my best friends had a baby and i was up at the hospital the day she had bubs we were waiting out in the waiting room all day but every half hour i had to go get my fix i felt terrible that i was doing that but i couldnt stop no matter what i did , i then planned to kill myself soon after as nothing i was doing like only using in the weekends or every second day or what ever i tried to stop using was working and i wanted out. my friend found out my plans and told me to come live with her to get off drugs and so three days later i shifted in with her and my jounery to recovery started.

    it took me 3 months to get completely clean from everything and then i started going along to NA my life line , i can honestly say that for 361 days i have not used a drug other than my medication which is prescribed for me , my life is like a rollercoaster theres ups and downs but i now have real friends who want to know me for me and not because i had the best drugs . i have a life now thats beyound my wildest dreams i can talk to ppl and not be ashamed , not be scared of what they will say too me or what ever . im about to enroll in a class for creative writing and then in a years time ill be studying to become a drug and alcohol youth worker , things havent been easy for me getting clean i lost my 5 yr relationship with my partner because she didnt want to get clean , i lost my house and car too , but thru all of this ive stayed clean , Just for today im clean , all i have is today .

    in sharing my story i hope that atleast someone gets the coruage to find help for themselves . it is possible to be young and get clean as im living proof of that and even if ur not young u can do it too , the old lie of once and addict always an addict is just that a lie , i thought id die a using addict and i hope to hell that i keep what i have and dont die like that , today i am clean and thats a mircale in itself .

    thanks for reading , if u want help or know someone who needs help feel free to send me a message and ill do my best to help or put u on the right path to get help ,
  2. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    You have so much courage turning your life around like that hun :smile:

    I'm so glad you are looking to the future and can see how much your life is better - I know its hard to see all the time but you are a lovely person and have achieved so much. I hope things continue to improve :smile:

    Always here for you hun :hug:

  3. trippy

    trippy Member

    I'm speechless. and fucking proud of you, man.. even though i have no idea who you are, but thanks for sharing your story. congratulations. stay clean, stay strong.
  4. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    well done shearing your story Esther you have come so far!! you have come along way since i met you im proud of you!! you really are an inspiration!! well done :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow way to go Esther You should be so proud of yourself thanks for telling your story here it will help many see recovery is possible thanks
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You rock:rockon:
  7. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Est, you are fucking amazing! A true inspiration.
  8. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Esther I am so proud of you! You are an inspiration to us all.

    Love ya, Angie
  9. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    youre awesome, esther , really are. im so proud of you, and im so proud of knowing someone as strong as you :hug :hug: :hug:
  10. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Well done - but I've heard similar stories and often as not prostitution is the main black hole that sucks people into a lifestyle that is super-destructive. People recover from a lot of things - and its great that someone so young as yourself is also articulate and an example to us all, young or old.

    You should maybe write more here as many younger girls will be able to relate to you and perhaps take hope that there life is not as bad as what you went through.
  11. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed


    Thanks for sharing that story, you're such a strong human being i admire you so much.

    I'm trying to beat my addiction to alcohol your story inspires me to become clean.

    Thank you so much Esther
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Its sounds like you have been through a lot of hell.. :hug: Its really amazing you are still here. I care about ya and I hope things will get better for you. You deserve to have an amazing life. :)
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