I just want to write something before I try to get some sleep, or what passes for sleep these days. I'm really, really tired, I'll try to concentrate, but if it makes no sense, I apologize. My head aches, feels like its about to fall off, the underside of my eyes feels stretched and kind of sore...I'm so, so tired Been thinking about things. Life, love, the universe. Life is so strange. I dream a lot. Sometimes my dreams are crazed and violent, like the anger I have is forcing itself subconsciously into my dreams, making a statement. I dream about war, I dream about conflict, I dream about heroic battles fought and won. I don't know why, nobody in my family is in the military, I have no idea where it comes from, but the feeling I get isn't one of disaster, its one of victory, its one of happiness in a really strange way. Sometimes my dreams are like postcards, I dream about mountains, about rivers, and forests, and drinking from beautiful lakes of fresh water, watching the sky change throughout the day, battling natures elements, but being part of it. I'm alone, but happy, just me and the natural world. Sometimes my dreams are about friends. Talking, me imagining myself playing guitar (I cant btw), laughter, hugs, a kiss on the cheek, pubs, dancing (I dont dance) going places, trains, being with people. I feel happy, content. Sometimes my dreams are about love, how the whole world changes from dark to light. The physical side, soft kisses, a naked embrace, just lying next to someone and looking into there eyes, sex with passion, lust, knowing what its like to be loved...mind, body, soul. Everything. Then theres me. I think about whether I can ever break free of myself. Its been so long since Ive seen any light at all, enjoyed anything positive in my life, I just wonder if Im destined to be the miserable person Ive become. I dont try like I should, I barely try at all, I am lazy, I am pathetic and I know I am. Im an embarrassment to my parents, especially my father. I want to be the man he is, without the uncaring, cold, and cynical side. Id do anything to feel love, I know I seem like a sad puppy at times, but I just dont want to live my life alone anymore. The world is too cruel, too heartless, too brutal, too devoid of meaning, to struggle through it alone, and why? why do that to yourself? It all feels pointless, without hope. I want to wake up one day a new man, but that just might not ever happen. I need purpose, I need a structure to my life, I need to feel people care about me, even if they dont "really" care, and I need love. Im looking for a lifeline, a miracle. Ive started thinking about suicide again, no im not planning it, but I think about it. I wish my friend never told me about that bridge, because never a day goes by without thinking about it. I dont want to be angry anymore, I dont want to hide behind this wall anymore, I dont want to hide behind the way I feel about myself physically. I want to feel like I matter to people, like I matter to someone. I want to follow my dreams and make them real. I want freedom, I want to breathe, I want to live. If I cant have that, I want to die.