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From the start....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Brokenx, Sep 24, 2011.

  1. Brokenx

    Brokenx Active Member

    (IF anyone actually reads this please try ignore my poor spelling and grammar first off im not the brightest lightbulb in the pack second its really hard to keep track when your on an ipad)

    So basically i have anxiety, agoraphobia and depression. I really do not have a life or anyone in my life who actually cares about me. I made alot of progress at one point, id go out and have really good days, these days i dont even get out of bed.

    When i was 9 my dad killed himself i was told he died in a car crash untill i was 16 yars old, ive always lived with my mum and she has 4 other children and is still with there father. Ive always been treated different, i had an ok upbringing my mum tried but it was never about me, its always been about her family with her partner.
    When i was 16 my mums partner gave my mum an ultimatum, i was to leave or he wold leave - so i wenf on to spend about 4 years in different hostels, i would drink heavy and get in with the wrong peole,id been in a relationship for 3 years and we decided to move in together about a year later my youngest brother who was 8 at the time was diagnosed wih cancer, it was a hard time. A few months later my 4 year relationship ended witch broke my heart, then a monh or so later my brother sadly passed away. A few months after that my issues begin, first the anxiety starts although i had been dealing with that since about 17 now it started to take over my life.. Then the agoraphobia and depression come in full fource..
    Years later i sit and watch how my mum and my brothers n sisters n step dad go away every year on holiday thinking my brother is 18 now sister 17 and another brother 15 and my mum puts my brother through his test and then buys him a car, then 3 days ago i find out not only is she paying for them to go shes also paying for his girlfriend to go..on holiday.
    I spend all my life worrying about my family when in truth if i died tomorrow they probably wouldnt even realize untill they wanted something from me or i was found dead.
    Im no longer going to sit and watch them act like this anymore, ive taken enough rejection to last me a lifetme, my mum rang 3 tmes today and i ignored her, im really proud of myself for that. She probably only rang because i deleted all my family from facebook and told my step dad to fuck off n for them all to leave me alone n stop emotionally abusing me. I just hope i feel better for it, i hope they have happy lifes but i really dont want them to be in mine.

    Ohh and before i forget, something i will never forget in my life. They got thousands of pounds, and they all went on holidays and got new car and everyone got new stuff, clothes, electronics ect... And they didnt even tell me about it, i found out when my brother slipped up in convo one time.. Lol amusing and she very cruel.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I can't fully imagine all you must be feeling right now.. :( And I'm sorry it seems your family has always been such jerks.. Maybe your mom still wants to be connected to you but doesn't know how to handle it.. I'm not really sure.. But I'd be real angry at my family for all of that Id think..

    Sending some hugs your way. :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps it is best to walk away from the toxic environment hun it is awful that she does not treat you the same as her other children How hurt you must be hun. You can start a new life hun one for you that is full of compassion okay you have to be kind to you get out now make new friends okay quit isolating Just know this place is safe here okay and you can talk to anyone here you won't be mistreated hugs to you
  4. Brokenx

    Brokenx Active Member

    Thanks for the kind words.
    I'm really trying to remove them from my life now, having them in i brings nothing but stress anyway. I'm going to change my number soon and just get on with my life alone, i'm always alone anyway just this way they cant bother me with their life. I can imagine since i havent been speaking to them my step dad has been over joyed, this must be like his dream come true. Haha. :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you can move on with your life but keep intouch with your mother okay let her know you are doing just fine okay so your she does not worry. I know she has hurt you hon but don't become like her cruel okay write a note to showing her all the sadness you have inside and ask her why she has treated you so differently then your other siblings Tell her for now you need your space so you are not harmed anymore Hugs toyou
  6. Brokenx

    Brokenx Active Member

    There really is no speaking to her. I don't want her in my life anymore.

    She doesn't care if I'm okay or not..